20 Something in LA LA land...

LA

I woke up yesterday morning to a text from my best friend who lives an hour south in the OC. At 8:15 am: "YAY!!! The Strike is OVER!!!".  I Immediately run to my computer and quickly check out the various websites that constantly give me updates on industry-related news.  Hmmm, I see that the writers are moving into formal talks... ok.  I also see that film A was greenlit, and that Ashley Tisdale (who I just saw yesterday) is attached to Film B... but nothing about the strike being over.  Maybe I was just reading wrong?

I quickly text back my friend - "Where did you read that?", thinking well, maybe my friend in fashion has better sources than me?

"I didn't.  I heard it on the radio... I think Ryan Seacrest?"

Reason #45,627 you shouldn't believe what you hear - especially from Ryan at 8 am.  What a way to wake up!

Last night, over pasta and wine with a girlfriend who also works in my industry, something pretty interesting happened.  My friend just got a new job working for a huge studio, in the same field as me.  Therefore, after we get past the gossip of our lives - you know, relationship, gym, asshole who gave me a parking ticket that day, we move onto what else?  Work. 

The restaurant was pretty small.  Cozy and loud, but small.  Most tables were practically on top of us.  We didn't think twice though, to talk about our jobs in detail, including industry names.  All of a sudden, she leans in and kinda whispers to me "do you realize almost everyone around is eavesdropping?"  I hadn't, but as we continued to talk, I did in fact notice.  You know you are in LA when you are talking about your job (or the jobs that we have) and every table (prob. 75% actors) is trying to get the latest info and find out just who you are.  Surreal.  I hated it.  Now can you just imagine being Britney?

...

It's a new day.

Yesterday almost seemed surreal to me - everything from my crazy day at work where my partner was sick again, therefore leaving me with double duty, to dinner with my dad who is going through some really shitty times, where he is feeling pretty depressed and lonely.  Oh, and of course some other drama.

I want to put it out there, since I see that my stats are pretty high and I know there are a lot of people out there that have never heard of me or read my blog before today, that I am indeed a good person.  And I'm actually proud of that.  I have never, in all my years, set out to hurt someone's feelings intentionally or tried to "bully" others.  That being said, I am also someone who is very blunt and honest, and whenever friends have told me stories and opened it up for advice, I give it to them.  The difference is, I give them constructive advice and criticism that isn't set to try to squash them and break them into a million pieces.

Never on my blog did I post "rules" of how to comment, quite honestly, I didn't feel I needed to.  Because for 7 months, I have received a ton of comments, some really great and uplifting, and some that were a bit harsher but honest and coming from a good place.  Those are the ones I take to heart. 

Frankly, posting last night needed to happen - for me.  Just like I wouldn't let anyone walk into my house, or my office and talk crap to me, this I felt was a violation.  I had never once read her blog before yesterday and had never received a comment from her before yesterday, so on top of it all, I felt it was a violation from a complete stranger. It was my sense of relief, & I don't regret it.  However, enough is enough.  That kind of stuff is not why I started a blog, and definitely why I don't read blogs.  I'd rather hear about all of your lives, jobs, boyfriends, wedding planning, and haircuts.  Oh, and food... I looooove food!  So give me something good!

She doesn't even deserve a post title.

Me again.  I know, twice in ONE day!  I am really talented.  The reason for this second posting is because there is something that deserves to be written about.

This morning, my post was just another day in the life kinda post for me.  That's because my blog is really just a recap of my life, my days, my weekend.  I started the blog because I wanted a place to share my emotions, my feelings, my moods, my relationships.  Whether it be boring, or mundane, or exciting and fun.  I don't make excuses for my posts - they are me and that is that.  What blogging then turned into was a really strong community of blogging friends - the kind of friends that are there for me whether it be by email, text, IM, gchat - whatever it is.  And for that I am eternally grateful.

Someone out there must have seen the "circle of love" that we have - where we all support eachother and help eachother out through hard times and through great times, and felt they needed to stick their ugly comments in to break that up. 

Yes, they wrote as "anonymous", as most rude, judgemental bloggers do, but unfortunately for them, we are a bit smarter than they thought.  Yes, Slightly Disorganized Mind, I'm talking to you.  It's called an IP address, dumbass.

Some of you may ask "why are you being so mean to SDM?  What did she do to you?"  Take "anonymous" comment number 1, left at 10:14 am:

"I'm not going to sugarcoat this. I have been reading your blog for a while, and have come to the conclusion you are boring, needy and insecure. You say yourself, that you need more girlfriends. You should go make some, because otherwise you are putting way too much into a relationship that is probably going to fail anyways.

No wonder C is holding back on marrying you. You cannot force him to, and your continued attempts to get him to do so are only going to push him away. Men truly commit when they want to not because you browbeat him into it.

I keep thinking that you will put it together and write something more interesting than a weekend update. I must have liked something about you I've had you in my reader for a long time, but I'm usually too bored with what you say to read all of the posts. Now I don't have to. I'm unsubscribing."

Shocked yet, guys?  Well, I have to admit I was.  Never did I think my blog would be important enough in someone's mind to garner such attention and rude words.  I'm sorry, Slightly Disorganized Mind, did I do something to offend you perhaps?  Oh well, at least you're unsubscribing - I don't need bitches like you around here.

I was wrong.  Bitch came back! (couldn't get enough of me and my boring, needy and insecure life I guess).  Only now, she went on to attack some of my friends and their blogs:

Comment number 2: "actually yes, clink, I feel quite good about myself. Which is why I can say what I did. Am I totally off base, is not every other post on this blog about how insecure blond-d is about the relationship, or some fight they had? Or how she so wants to get married and brought it up again and again ad nauseum. I don't pretend to know her, but from what I read, she's needy and insecure. As are you. Yes, I read you too. And you, are a much more capable writer, so at least I laugh when I read about your love of Chipotle burritos and "the crazy."

So, I'm sorry if I am not falling in line with the cult of Clink, and Barbie and their ilk, and only leaving comments of OMG, everyone is awesome, Hearts and Stars, I love you girls who I have never met and also do not know in real life so super much! But that being said, blogging by nature is putting your feelings and thoughts out there for comment. Those are my comments. If you can't take the criticism, do not blog. You yourself, just posted a whole thing about some chick who reads you, and how awful she is, but didn't link to her because you were taking the high road. Um, the high road, specifically, would have to email that particular blogger and say stop talking shit, not writing a post that didn't allow your readers to make an educated design about the material, and instead, its only purpose was so that your fans would jump to your defense and stroke your ego, "No, Clink, you're awesome, fuck that other bitch." Let me just say, having read the "shit" that was talked about you, you blew it WAY out of proportion. And not everyone is going to like you, get used to it. You don't like everyone, including the florist.

I am sure you disagree, and that's fine. I was just pointing out that for someone who so clearly just wants to get married, perhaps blond-d should actually become a secure well rounded person, rather than just whining all the time about how C won't commit, and how she's OMG so jealous. And before you write me off as a troll and decide to take the high road and not respond to this comment as a matter of principle, I didn't say what I said, just to stir the shit, and be an annoying jackass. I honestly believe that she might be happier if she stopped focusing so much on getting married, and found some new girlfriends to balance her out. Again, you may disagree, but by leaving posts open for comments, you and Blond-d are inviting the opinion of others who may not agree with you. And if you only want hearts and start, I love Clink! or I love Blond-d, you're so amazing comments, then perhaps you should write a private blog."

Then: "Molly, I actually like your blog too, but think you post on shoes way too much, which makes you seem like a vapid ninny, rather than the obviously intelligent woman that you are. Would you rather I publicly criticize blond-d with my own blog linked? The comment would be the same... This is not a pissing contest, and I do have a blog that I choose not to post here, big surprise, but I too get anonymous and not anonymous comments that piss me off. I leave them up, because I believer strongly in the idea that people can have an opinion on what I choose to put out there. But most of their criticism or "haterism" is, like mine on this blog, rooted in some truth. You can write me off as judgemental, fine. Oh and publically? spelled PUBLICLY..."

And finally: "no cdp, your blog is boring."

There you have it, guys.  One of our fellow bloggers who is probably on a lot of your blogrolls talked some MAJOR shit today...anonymously. Unfortunately for her, she's been OUTED.  That being said, it's important for all my readers to know that I'm not writing this post to get the comments of "oh, poor DG" or to fill the empty space of my apparent insecure self with cyber friendships complete with hearts and stars and shouts of "i love you's!"

No. I'm writing this post to bring to light what happened today. And basically? I call bullshit. I left the high school cattiness behind years ago. And apparently, you have not. I may not be the most put together girl around, but at least I call it like I see it. And your comments? Well, they are no exception.

If you have the audacity to publicly humiliate me, my thoughts and my friends in a comment not once, not twice, but THREE times, on MY blog (which, by the way very well could have been communicated in an email) you bet your sweet ass I'm going to say something. And that something is quite simple:

Grow the fuck up. You are no longer welcome here.

1 day

Thankfully, last night I FINALLY slept over 8 hours, although it was quite interrupted by the strange sounds... but at least I did sleep.  However, I would be seriously concerned with myself if I didn't considering yesterday was one of the BUSIEST days at work ever.

I woke up extremely early by C on the phone.  Please understand that it's an absolute miracle for C to be awake before me, but to be on the phone and alert before I've opened my eyes is out of this world.  Well, he was both so I decided to forego my extra hour and wake up.  Immediately, I was given assignments: get some advil in travel packs for him, another moisturizer, go to the bank, grocery store, etc.  Normally I would politely tell him to please do these things himself but I looked in his eyes and knew that he NEEDED help.  He was exhausted and stressed and a bit anxious about what this job has already done to him.  He started last Thursday and ever since then, his phone is CONSTANTLY ringing, the emails are constantly binging, and the sleep has been put on the backburner.  I really felt badly for him, so of course I ran his errands instead of going to the gym.

He and his crew were working out of my offices yesterday (same network) and it was crazy.  I was sitting at my desk and all I heard were people calling his name... over and over.  He wasn't kidding when he said this was stressful.  On top of that, my day at work yesterday was going to be INSANE... my partner and I had planned on it, and then we were going to teach a workshop afterwards.  I get a call at 10 am from her that she had been throwing up all night and couldn't get out of bed.  Of course I told her not to but what then transpired for the next 6 hours was HYSTERIA.  My phones were OUT OF CONTROL, and I was in 4 hours of casting all alone.  NUTS.  Somewhere in that craziness, C left to go to Tucson, and I left my crazy day and happily came home to sit on the couch and immerse myself in TV.

I spoke to C for a while last night and was grateful for at least that.  When he was in Europe last year for 3 weeks, I think the hardest part was that I couldn't talk to him every night before bed like we've done now for over 4 years.  But then I had my jealousy dream and now I'm a bit unsettled. 

I'm not a jealous girl.  If I act jealous, it's mostly to make light of a situation and honestly, I think it makes C feel sorta good.  I trust C more than a girlfriend should probably trust their boyfriend, but I just know that if he is anything, it's loyal.  I think he would break up with me before he cheated on me.  So normally, I wouldn't be worried. But yesterday I saw one of the women with whom he is working very closely on this project and is constantly calling and emailing him and vice-versa.  And she's adorable, and petite and blonde.  He loves the blondes!  Anyway, they are in such close contact everyday and I'm not naive, I know that when you are in stressful situations in other cities with someone day in and day out, things could happen.  I'm going to try to not let my mind go there but he's been gone one day and it already is.  The worst part is, I have no way of knowing what's really going on.  Ew.  Now I just feel sad and gross. 

Leaving on a jet plane

I have good news and bad news. 

First, the good news:  C got a few week gig!  It's very exciting because work is so scarce right now so we're both thrilled for him.  He's going to be following a very popular teen band around the country for the next few weeks to capture footage for the project.  It's different than anything he's ever done and it involves traveling, so I know he's really looking forward to it.  If not for anything then the experience and the contacts that he will make.  Plus, the money aint bad either.

And the bad news?  C will be traveling around the country for the next 3-4 weeks!!!  What the hell am I going to do for so long ALONE???  I know, I know, that sounded pretty dramatic.  I'm not really in the midst of depression over this... I'm just sad.  Happy for him, don't get me wrong... but sad to be without him for so long.  The following are some reasons for this:

1) I am a total baby when I am home alone overnight.  Every sound is magnified and I find myself being sure that someone is in my house.  I can try to distract myself, but sometimes I completely lose it in the middle of the night out of fear.

2) C and I spend A LOT of time together.  Yes, we both have our own individual lives, but we choose to spend most of our free time together - especially on the weekends.  Since it has been this way for 4 years, I don't have a huge circle of girlfriends to hang out with on any given weekend.  Even if I did, all of my girlfriends are in relationships and being a third wheel on a Saturday night doesn't always excite me too much.

3) I love my boyfriend - excuse me for not wanting him to go!

Last time C went out of town for an extended amount of time was last April.  He had 4 weeks off work, and I was right in the middle of my busiest time, so he took 3 weeks to visit friends of his in Europe.  I was horrible in the weeks leading up to his departure.  I picked on him, fought with him, got emotional and cried much more than I'm proud of, and was all around a nervous wreck.  I was scared to be alone, but most of all, I was angry with him that he was leaving me for 3 weeks, to go to Europe -  a place where I wanted to go with him.  It ended up being fine, other than a couple of nights at the beginning being pretty lonely and scared.  It actually forced me to be a bit more independent, and I rekindled some of my friendships with girlfriends whom I hadn't caught up with in some time. 

I look back at the way I acted before he left on his vacation last year and honestly, I'm a bit disappointed in myself.  I acted extremely immaturely and selfishly, and I vowed to not act that way this time (according to him, it was sweet up until a point and then just became obnoxious.  I don't blame him.).  Plus, I know that he's traveling for work, not for play (although believe me, he is traveling with the kind of band that NO DOUBT he will have fun... don't worry, you guys know this band).  He also is going for a week starting tomorrow and he'll be back on Saturday for a couple of days, and then again gone for 10 days, and back... and possibly more.  And his schedule currently has him coming home for Valentine's Day so a girl can hope...

BUT... I need your guys' help for the next couple of weeks!  Keep me company - I wouldn't hate to get some extra comments, emails or texts to let me know you're thinking about little ol' poor DG, all by her sad, sad self.  Just kidding, I'm not that pathetic. 

I wish...

...that I didn't have a marathon meeting ahead of me today - from 11-4, if it ends on time.

...that it was Friday because really? Another day of this???

...that I felt more rested this morning - because my sleep has been off the last couple of nights.

...that I could say I wasn't all that affected by the death of Heath Ledger, cause I am, and I can hardly get it out of my head, hence the sleep problems.  I just can't stop thinking about his daughter and her mom.

...that I didn't eat two GINORMOUS cupcakes from one of those trendy cupcake stores the other night with C.  I think it was more sugar than a human needs in a year.

... that I didn't crave another one this morning.

...that C would continue to cook me dinner every night like he has these past two.  Who knew I had Bobby Flay sleeping in my bed?

...that C would also not be so sensitive when I try to give him some tips in the kitchen, say, like, "you may want to turn that oven ON!!!"

...that my parents were still married, if only for the convenience it would bring to me so I could see them both in one night in one place.  Sometimes, I feel like there isn't enough time in the week to see my boyfriend, friends, and all my family.

...that there were more episodes in the 1st season of Brothers and Sisters.

...that I didn't feel so goddamn guilty about missing the gym twice this week.

...that I had more time to write and read blogs.  Sorry :(

The one where I am eating my raisin bran

Once again, I am running behind today.  Why does this seem to be a routine now?  Ever since I've been my own boss, I've been going to sleep later and waking up later (still very difficultly) and I always seem to be running approx. 5-30 minutes behind everything I have to do that day.  However, I made some time to jot down some random thoughts in my head while I am eating my bowl of raisin bran.  Enjoy!

• I didn't want to forget to elaborate on my little sister's dance performance last Wednesday for archival purposes.  She's 15, turning 16 in May and every time that I see her dance I am always floored how brilliant and mature she is.  We only share a dad, so I don't see her as often as I wish I could, but the times when she's on the stage makes up for it.  It's her form of expression and she completely rocks. This is a high school company that performs, she's only a sophomore, but was in 12 of the 14 dances and choreographed one of them.  Also, we got to meet her boyfriend of 2 months (!) who is ADORABLE.  He looks like Michael Cera from Juno and is beyond sweet, bringing her a huge bouquet of flowers afterwards.  Is it strange to ask my 15 year old sister to go on a double date with C and I?
• C and I live in this adorable duplex, built sometime in the 20's or 30's.  We love it because of it's age - the nooks and krannies and fixtures and moldings are things that are hard to find these days in homes.  However, our new neighbors just moved in.  We share one wall with them and even that wall has large closets separating it.  Our last neighbor we NEVER heard - almost like he wasn't even there.  The new neighbors?  Well, they are a young couple, younger than us, and she is a fashion design student.  So what do we hear all day and all night?  The click-click-clicking of the girl's heels on the wood floor.  Back and forth, all hours.  My question for you guys is, what the hell do we do about it?
• Ive been reading about a lot of you getting nominated for 20 something blogger awards, and I feel I should say thank you, because I was nominated for one too.  I got an email last week telling me about it, but unfortunately I couldn't accept my nomination because... I never signed up to be part of 20-something bloggers!  Oh well, life goes on but I would love to know who nominated me and for what?  I''m guessing it was for the Insane/Neurotic/Hypochondriac/Romantic/Food Lover blog of the year, right? Right?

Anyway, now I'm verging on being REALLY late for my meeting so I gotta run y'all... Have a happy Tuesday!

The rambling weekend recap

The weekend was - how else can I say it - perfect.  Not only was it filled with food, friends, and fun, but C and I are in a very good place.  I mean, other than when I gave him crap for coming home after playing basketball and throwing his shit all over the living room.  But that's pretty typical.  And showering?  You'd think it would be natural to want to shower after playing three hours of sweaty nasty basketball but apparently when football playoffs are on, showering goes down your list of priorities.  But that's a whole other story.

Friday night, we started our evening at out favorite Irish gastropub/bar down the street.  It's such a warm environment, where we can sit at the bar, enjoy some yummy beer and wine and just decompress the crazy week that just ended.  Oh, and they have the best fries known to man (or at least known to me) so that never hurts.  Afterwards, we went out to dinner to an Ethiopian restaurant here in LA.  Shocked?  yeah, I know, I was a little hesitant.  However, C and I have embarked on this new exciting mission of trying different, interesting, off the beaten path type restaurants - and what better place to do it than here in LA?  A couple of weeks ago was Peruvian and now Ethiopian.  And can I just stop and say that when C and I first met?  He would shy away from anything that wasn't meat and potatoes - and now?  He LOVES fish (even the raw kind), and different ethnic cuisines.  So, I could say I did a good job.  Anyway, Ethiopian food is SO good, everything comes on this thin bread/crepe, and there are NO utensils, so you eat by ripping a piece of the bread (injera) and scooping your meats and vegetables.  PROS?  YUMMY food, cheap bill, very interesting date.  CONS?  Smelly hands for hours and the possibility of eating too much and not being able to stop because it was SO damn good and then subsequently not being able to sleep because of VERY FULL TUMMY with indigestion.  Thank you C for running out and getting me Alka Seltzer at midnight. 

Saturday was errands and dinner and games with a very close couple of ours.  Remind me to elaborate on that another time because also?  Quite the experience having dinner with a newlywed couple who are SO intent on showing that they have the HAPPIEST LIFE EVER.  With matching outfits too!

Yesterday was breakfast, followed by an open house nearby and hi?  I want to afford my own house TODAY.  Also, we went furniture shopping and bought a new dresser which should be arriving at some point this afternoon.  And last night?  Fish tacos and Amazing Race. 

I'd say it was one of the better weekends in a long while.

progress

So now I feel bad. I got all of your hopes up that there would be a ring on my finger.  Let me clear something up: if there would be a ring on my finger, I would NEVER say "update to come".  I would say "HOLY MOTHER *&*$#%^&! I'm engaged!!!!!".

No, we are not engaged, but there has been significant progress in our relationship.  I'm not gonna give the whole backstory on what our relationship dillemas have been as of late, but I will say that as most of you know, C has had a really hard time getting used to the idea of marriage.  It started due to a fear because all of these marriages and engagements around both of us were falling apart.  Then, it turned into him focusing on the negative aspects of our relationship (there are very few of these) and turning them into big deals (for example, the fact that I didn't feel like going to the bar when he did was all of a sudden a HUGE turning point.  Thankfully, he got over that one fast.

More recently, C has had a bit of a freakout / life crisis.  It really started when he knew the strike was going to force him out of a job.  The fact that he had no control of over his job freaked him out.  He started to wonder if this job was right for him, if he was cut out for this industry (since he is actually nice unless most people he works with), and therefore, started to let his mind wander to all of the other things he could be doing, seeing or places he could be traveling to. 

I first found out about this crossroad that he was at during Christmas at his parent's house - the night before 25 of his relatives were coming over.  I had NO idea that he was starting to question his job, or even living in LA, so you can imagine I was completely floored and sad to hear that. 

Since that talk, things started to go really well between us.  We were laughing all of the time, having wonderful nights out and enjoying our time together cuddling on the couch.  It's when things are good that I assume he's "over it" and is on the same track I am.  So I asked him - again - a few days ago, and sure enough, he said he's working on it but no, he didn't have any answers for me about where his future stood.

Now, you have to understand that if I heard one of you saying this about your boyfriend, I would probably tell you "leave him, he's never gonna come around, he doesn't love you, etc."  But you also have to understand that C LOVES ME.  This is not a maybe, this is a 100% sure.  I also know how he feels because I was pretty much EXACTLY where he was in the summer of '06: questioning my relationship, my career, my life.  So although I was trying to be sympathetic, and give him time, I couldn't fake it anymore.

Laying in bed on Tuesday night, I basically told him straight out: "You NEED to make a decision.  I don't want to give you an ultimatum, or put ridiculous pressure on you so that you do something even if you're not ready to, but I have no choice.  You see, I don't need the ring or the wedding or even the actual engagement right now (and that is the truth, believe it or not, I'm only 26 and still a total child), but I need to know that that is where we are headed.  My life, my future depends on your answer. "  I said this all very maturely, and un-emotionally and not over-dramatic, which was good.  He didn't say much (he tends to do a lot of thinking when I talk to him) but I could tell he was clearly moved by what I said.  We kissed goodnight and I went to bed (if you think tossing and turning for 6 hours is sleep).

Yesterday morning started out to be a bad day.  I was sad, and at a loss on how to treat him.  I mean, he woke up and immediately kissed and hugged me, and I could hardly look in his eyes.  I avoided him as much as I could because I felt so uncomfortable, and went to work.  Throughout the day, I got some texts from him just asking how my day was going and that he loved me.

After work, I had to go straight to my little sister's high school dance performance and was able to stay distracted and really enjoy myself.  At 10:15, I walked into our apartment and C was standing right at the door.  He gave me a huge hug that lasted forever, and then asked me to sit down so he could read me something he wrote. He pulled out his journal and said "I feel like I had so many thoughts going through my mind that I needed to just get them out of my head and onto paper.  So, this is kinda like one of your 'blog posts' (too cute)".

He then started reading.  At first, most of it was about himself: why he shouldn't feel this pressure to travel the world and see everything when he is only 28 and he has his whole life ahead of him, how he should understand that work should not be the end all be all to his life, but more a creative outlet and of course a financial means for him to live his life the way he wants to.  And then he got to the good part:

         "I love D.  I see us getting married.  In fact, I see our wedding.  I see my groomsmen (he then listed them) and I see D's bridesmaids (listed them too :)) standing there watching us.  I see our outdoor wedding and can imagine our long honeymoon.  I see D becoming a high-powered, well-respected __________ (my job) and me becoming a successful ___________.  I see us having 2 kids and adopting 2 (uh, news for me, C!), living by the ocean, and being a really good dad.  In 6 to 7 years, I see us opening a wine/beer bar (we always talk about that but 7 years may be too soon financially, but of course I didn't say anything).  When we are in our 50's and the kids are all gone, D and I will run the bar 1/2 the year, and travel the other 1/2.  I see a good life in our future."

Something along those lines at least, from what I can remember.  You need to imagine how I looked hearing these words come out of his mouth, after what felt like forever waiting for him to in some way, commit to a future for us.  It was all I needed.  And the tears rapidly streaming down my face showed him that.  Sure, he has a "plan" for our lives that seems wonderful and a bit idealistic, most likely won't go exactly that way, but hey, he has a plan.  End of story.  I know he wants to spend his life with me.

I woke up this morning rejuvenated, excited, happy and in love.  The pressure has subsided and now we can just enjoy being together.  And when a ring does come along, when we are both ready for that next step, well then I know it will be forever.

update to come

i was totally gonna come in and write about the amazing PROGRESS that happened yesterday in the C & D household but unfortunately, I have some work I need to get done... but check back later, k?