20 Something in LA LA land...

Romantical

So, funny enough, Valentine's Day last night was more just like any other night that we hang out and cook dinner.  Sure, I came home to find bags and boxes of chocolates and candy, and a beautiful card.  Also, the two glasses of wine that were already poured and the cheese plate he prepared didn't hurt.  We exchanged some little things we got for eachother, drank wine, talked, cooked dinner, and watched Lost.  Actually, it was kinda perfect.

We are really celebrating this Saturday night, when he is taking me out to a super fancy seafood restaurant on the ocean, where we will be able to eat oysters (OK, just me) and lobster (both of us) while guzzling champagne.  Cannot wait.

Work has gone full speed ahead with the strike ending - at least for me.  C is still out of work because the show he was working on hasn't officially been picked back up.  It's a bit of a bummer for him, although he has rarely had any time off since he moved to LA 6 years ago, and when he does, he never worries or stresses about it (like I do), and always manages to find a job pretty quickly.  Cross your fingers for him. 

This weekend should be fun - tonight, dinner and drinks with friends, tomorrow night is our fancy dinner, and Sunday is open houses.  Loves it.  I hope all of you had a fantastic V-day and have an even more fantastic weekend!

dreams and such

I know I've talked about my dreams here before.  I tend to have these crazy vivid dreams that sometimes, stay with me for days. 

Many of these dreams include other guys - or other girls for C.  Last weekend when C was home for a couple of days (did I mention that he was home?), I had this insane dream about me surprising him while he was on tour and I caught him totally flirting with some hot girl.  I went up to him, all excited to see him and to give him a huge hug, and he gave me a dirty look and walked away with her.  Yeah, the dream sucked, but in a roundabout way, I almost enjoy a dream like that so I can wake up and just be grateful for the relationship I do have with him.

I once read how cheating dreams can appear pretty frequently in even a good relationship and I totally believe it because have had a few dreams in the course of our relationship about other guys.  Some include ex's, for example, I would run into an ex and see him happily married or in a relationship and would be so heartbroken.  Others have been about guys who I don't even know but I would feel "crushes" for.  Some, I would even kiss.  Last night was a bit different. 

We were at some sort of beach resort - C, my sister, a few friends, and some guys (one, in particular, who resembled Riggins from Friday Night Lights).  C had gone to play golf with a couple of the guys (C HATES golf) and I stayed back at the pool.  So, Riggins and I were flirting, and drinking, and I'm enjoying myself, and next thing I know, he's kissing me.  I was initially happy, and then I remember pulling myself away and running.  I then was having a conversation with a girlfriend from high school who I know longer talk to, and telling her very calmly "of course it was exciting and fun.  But anything that even feels exciting and tempting now will just eventually end up in a comfortably, good place - which is exactly where I feel with C.  It's just not worth it.  I'm making that choice."

OK, so when did I become Dear Abby in my dreams?  I mean, I agree with myself when I said that - because I do feel like cheating is always a temptation for anyone in even the happiest of relationships - it then comes down to a decision that you have to make whether or not you want to actually go down that path.

The funny part here is that I feel insanely happy in my relationship right now - infidelity on his or my part is not an issue.  I actually notice that whenever I have dreams surrounding my relationship that are a bit tumultuous, it tends to happen when things are really good.  Anyone else notice the same?

Anyway, C did make it home for a couple of days - but poor thing, was ridiculously sick - with a high fever and horrible cold, and so Superbowl was spent on our couch with Chicken Noodle Soup - which honestly?  Fine with me because who needed the extra calories?  Oh, and he also made a point to pull out the business section of Sunday's paper where there was a huge article about how to pick out the right diamond and pack it into his suitcase when he left on Monday.  Um, I like that kind of reading material!

1 day

Thankfully, last night I FINALLY slept over 8 hours, although it was quite interrupted by the strange sounds... but at least I did sleep.  However, I would be seriously concerned with myself if I didn't considering yesterday was one of the BUSIEST days at work ever.

I woke up extremely early by C on the phone.  Please understand that it's an absolute miracle for C to be awake before me, but to be on the phone and alert before I've opened my eyes is out of this world.  Well, he was both so I decided to forego my extra hour and wake up.  Immediately, I was given assignments: get some advil in travel packs for him, another moisturizer, go to the bank, grocery store, etc.  Normally I would politely tell him to please do these things himself but I looked in his eyes and knew that he NEEDED help.  He was exhausted and stressed and a bit anxious about what this job has already done to him.  He started last Thursday and ever since then, his phone is CONSTANTLY ringing, the emails are constantly binging, and the sleep has been put on the backburner.  I really felt badly for him, so of course I ran his errands instead of going to the gym.

He and his crew were working out of my offices yesterday (same network) and it was crazy.  I was sitting at my desk and all I heard were people calling his name... over and over.  He wasn't kidding when he said this was stressful.  On top of that, my day at work yesterday was going to be INSANE... my partner and I had planned on it, and then we were going to teach a workshop afterwards.  I get a call at 10 am from her that she had been throwing up all night and couldn't get out of bed.  Of course I told her not to but what then transpired for the next 6 hours was HYSTERIA.  My phones were OUT OF CONTROL, and I was in 4 hours of casting all alone.  NUTS.  Somewhere in that craziness, C left to go to Tucson, and I left my crazy day and happily came home to sit on the couch and immerse myself in TV.

I spoke to C for a while last night and was grateful for at least that.  When he was in Europe last year for 3 weeks, I think the hardest part was that I couldn't talk to him every night before bed like we've done now for over 4 years.  But then I had my jealousy dream and now I'm a bit unsettled. 

I'm not a jealous girl.  If I act jealous, it's mostly to make light of a situation and honestly, I think it makes C feel sorta good.  I trust C more than a girlfriend should probably trust their boyfriend, but I just know that if he is anything, it's loyal.  I think he would break up with me before he cheated on me.  So normally, I wouldn't be worried. But yesterday I saw one of the women with whom he is working very closely on this project and is constantly calling and emailing him and vice-versa.  And she's adorable, and petite and blonde.  He loves the blondes!  Anyway, they are in such close contact everyday and I'm not naive, I know that when you are in stressful situations in other cities with someone day in and day out, things could happen.  I'm going to try to not let my mind go there but he's been gone one day and it already is.  The worst part is, I have no way of knowing what's really going on.  Ew.  Now I just feel sad and gross. 

Leaving on a jet plane

I have good news and bad news. 

First, the good news:  C got a few week gig!  It's very exciting because work is so scarce right now so we're both thrilled for him.  He's going to be following a very popular teen band around the country for the next few weeks to capture footage for the project.  It's different than anything he's ever done and it involves traveling, so I know he's really looking forward to it.  If not for anything then the experience and the contacts that he will make.  Plus, the money aint bad either.

And the bad news?  C will be traveling around the country for the next 3-4 weeks!!!  What the hell am I going to do for so long ALONE???  I know, I know, that sounded pretty dramatic.  I'm not really in the midst of depression over this... I'm just sad.  Happy for him, don't get me wrong... but sad to be without him for so long.  The following are some reasons for this:

1) I am a total baby when I am home alone overnight.  Every sound is magnified and I find myself being sure that someone is in my house.  I can try to distract myself, but sometimes I completely lose it in the middle of the night out of fear.

2) C and I spend A LOT of time together.  Yes, we both have our own individual lives, but we choose to spend most of our free time together - especially on the weekends.  Since it has been this way for 4 years, I don't have a huge circle of girlfriends to hang out with on any given weekend.  Even if I did, all of my girlfriends are in relationships and being a third wheel on a Saturday night doesn't always excite me too much.

3) I love my boyfriend - excuse me for not wanting him to go!

Last time C went out of town for an extended amount of time was last April.  He had 4 weeks off work, and I was right in the middle of my busiest time, so he took 3 weeks to visit friends of his in Europe.  I was horrible in the weeks leading up to his departure.  I picked on him, fought with him, got emotional and cried much more than I'm proud of, and was all around a nervous wreck.  I was scared to be alone, but most of all, I was angry with him that he was leaving me for 3 weeks, to go to Europe -  a place where I wanted to go with him.  It ended up being fine, other than a couple of nights at the beginning being pretty lonely and scared.  It actually forced me to be a bit more independent, and I rekindled some of my friendships with girlfriends whom I hadn't caught up with in some time. 

I look back at the way I acted before he left on his vacation last year and honestly, I'm a bit disappointed in myself.  I acted extremely immaturely and selfishly, and I vowed to not act that way this time (according to him, it was sweet up until a point and then just became obnoxious.  I don't blame him.).  Plus, I know that he's traveling for work, not for play (although believe me, he is traveling with the kind of band that NO DOUBT he will have fun... don't worry, you guys know this band).  He also is going for a week starting tomorrow and he'll be back on Saturday for a couple of days, and then again gone for 10 days, and back... and possibly more.  And his schedule currently has him coming home for Valentine's Day so a girl can hope...

BUT... I need your guys' help for the next couple of weeks!  Keep me company - I wouldn't hate to get some extra comments, emails or texts to let me know you're thinking about little ol' poor DG, all by her sad, sad self.  Just kidding, I'm not that pathetic. 

The rambling weekend recap

The weekend was - how else can I say it - perfect.  Not only was it filled with food, friends, and fun, but C and I are in a very good place.  I mean, other than when I gave him crap for coming home after playing basketball and throwing his shit all over the living room.  But that's pretty typical.  And showering?  You'd think it would be natural to want to shower after playing three hours of sweaty nasty basketball but apparently when football playoffs are on, showering goes down your list of priorities.  But that's a whole other story.

Friday night, we started our evening at out favorite Irish gastropub/bar down the street.  It's such a warm environment, where we can sit at the bar, enjoy some yummy beer and wine and just decompress the crazy week that just ended.  Oh, and they have the best fries known to man (or at least known to me) so that never hurts.  Afterwards, we went out to dinner to an Ethiopian restaurant here in LA.  Shocked?  yeah, I know, I was a little hesitant.  However, C and I have embarked on this new exciting mission of trying different, interesting, off the beaten path type restaurants - and what better place to do it than here in LA?  A couple of weeks ago was Peruvian and now Ethiopian.  And can I just stop and say that when C and I first met?  He would shy away from anything that wasn't meat and potatoes - and now?  He LOVES fish (even the raw kind), and different ethnic cuisines.  So, I could say I did a good job.  Anyway, Ethiopian food is SO good, everything comes on this thin bread/crepe, and there are NO utensils, so you eat by ripping a piece of the bread (injera) and scooping your meats and vegetables.  PROS?  YUMMY food, cheap bill, very interesting date.  CONS?  Smelly hands for hours and the possibility of eating too much and not being able to stop because it was SO damn good and then subsequently not being able to sleep because of VERY FULL TUMMY with indigestion.  Thank you C for running out and getting me Alka Seltzer at midnight. 

Saturday was errands and dinner and games with a very close couple of ours.  Remind me to elaborate on that another time because also?  Quite the experience having dinner with a newlywed couple who are SO intent on showing that they have the HAPPIEST LIFE EVER.  With matching outfits too!

Yesterday was breakfast, followed by an open house nearby and hi?  I want to afford my own house TODAY.  Also, we went furniture shopping and bought a new dresser which should be arriving at some point this afternoon.  And last night?  Fish tacos and Amazing Race. 

I'd say it was one of the better weekends in a long while.

Growing apart.

This morning has just been off.  It started when I set my alarm for a pretty early time (even though I was out late last night) to make it to a Spinning class taught by my favorite instructor.  Upon arriving at the gym, I saw the spin room empty, and after taking a look at the schedule, realized that the class is no longer since the New Year.  Good one D - next time, look online BEFORE you wake yourself up at an ungodly hour.  I still ended up doing 50 minutes on the treadmill so I did get some cardio in.

At home, while I was getting ready for work, my stomach started to hurt.  Cut to 45 minutes later, when I am basically doubled over in the bathroom hoping the stomach cramps go away.  No, not nausea, just "I feel like I have to go to the bathroom but can't" pains.  NOT FUN.  I still am not pain free hours later but I'm hoping for the best?

The weekend was a bit crazy - too much drinking, too much food, and not enough sleep.  Friday night was a fun dinner, followed by a great Irish pub.  Our friends that were in town were staying by the beach, and even though that's a bit of a drive for C and I, of course we went to them.  We have been really looking forward to seeing them, and it's rare that there is a couple that the guys get along as well as the women, so we definitely don't take it for granted.

They had invited us to join them for dinner on Saturday night at the most expensive steakhouse in LA, but due to the strike, C and I felt like it would be too much for us.  So we met them at the beach during the day on Saturday, and had plans to meet them after dinner when we would all go out in our neighborhood.  The wife had just come down with a cold and was absolutely silent for the few hours we were with them.  C was having a blas, tossing the football and playing around with the guys.  But I was just sitting there.  I started to get a very strange feeling about my relationship with the girl and how I felt it had changed.

A bit of a backstory: The couple are from the East Coast, but moved to LA a while back for one year for his job.  We immediately became friends.  She and I were very close for a while there - we had the same interests, and gossiped aand had fun.  Sure, she was a little less outgoing and "fun" as I am - she tended to be more quiet, didn't really drink, didn't love to go out, but we still totally got along.  And C and her husband immediately became really close so it worked.

When they moved back to LA, we would talk on the phone almost every weekend and IM.  The truth was we all missed eachother.  In May of '07, we went to NY and stayed with them for the weekend.  It was mostly a great weekend, a lot of fun was had, but I sensed a tiny bit of shift in my relationship with the girl.  It wasn't as easy for us to talk about whatever - it just felt a bit more forced if that makes sense.

However, we still all kept in touch, albeit a bit less, and we knew that they were coming this weekend and were really excited.  So, the first night, when we were all together and having fun, everything felt back to normal.  But that Saturday when we were at the beach, I felt like she was being incredibly distant.  I just figured she was feeling a bit under the weather, and that night she'd be back to normal.

We knew they were having a late dinner, so C and I also did.  We still hadn't heard from them when our dinner ended, so we went to our neighborhood bar to keep ourselves occupied (after some sake at dinner, I knew I would fall asleep if we went home and waited).  At 11, we texted them trying to figure out what the deal was.  We only heard back at midnight (the restaurant only seated them at 10), and even though he wanted to go out,  she didn't - so we never saw them that night.  I couldn't help it, but I was annoyed.  We had gone out and stayed out late just so that we would see them, and it was all for nothing (not that C and I had a bad time - we actually had a lot of fun)!

The next morning, they called us and of course, invited us to go once again to the beach.  I had talked to my sister and had made plans to go to her house with C so we told them that maybe we would all meet up for dinner later.  Sure enough, later that day they called us, said they were going out with some friends where else? At the beach.  They invited us to join but that was already way too much driving for us and we were exhausted so we politely declined and told them we would see them on Monday night.

Yesterday, while I was working one of the craziest days at work, C biked ALL the way to the beach (17 miles! He officially is INSANE) to hang with them.  After work, I drove to the South Bay (45 minutes) to our friend's house where we were all having dinner.  The food was great, most of the company was great, but towards the end of the evening I realized that the wife and I had hardly uttered a word all night.  She was being completely anti-social, quiet, bitter, and wasn't making a bit of effort to talk to me.  At the end of the night, I told them that since I only had to be at work at noon today, why don't they drive into our area and meet C and I for breakfast since they're leaving on a redeye tonight.  The husband immediately was all over it, he was all "sure, yeah, that sounds great" and then he looked over at his wife - who was giving him such a look.  Immediately, he said "oh but we had made plans to go eat at ________ (whatever restaurant they mentioned that was oh, you guessed it, AT THE BEACH)".  And that was that.  I couldn't believe what I had just saw.  Five minutes later, we were saying a very awkward goodbye, because who knows when we'll see eachother again, and C and I drove home.

I was in shock.  They have been here for 5 days, three of the days C and I have gone well out of our way to see them, and they couldn't go out of their way for one hour to see us?  The crazy thing is that the husband would totally have joined us, but she very quickly ended that plan.  And the worst part?  She didn't even try to make an excuse - no "I'm sorry, but I hope you understand. __________ restaurant is my FAVE and I've been looking forward to it" or "don't be mad at me, k?  I still love you!".  NOTHING. 

The drive home was incredibly depressing for me.  C tried to make me feel better - he thinks that there must be something going on with her for her to act so cold and distant.  I don't know.  I do know that I haven't changed, nor have I done anything that would anger her.  But I can't help feel like this weekend was the beginning of the end of a friendship.  Thoughts?

I'm baaaaaaaack

Oh how I missed you so!  It's been about two weeks - which is ridiculously long to not keep in touch.  Sure, I love to bore you with the mundane details of my life approximately 4-5 times a week and I'm sure it was hard for you not to have that, but what was really hard for me was not having the time to sit and read your blogs!  I have definite withdrawal symptoms.  So I will quickly tell you about my trip and then I will try to get to all of your blogs through the weekend by the end of this year! HA!

Number one?  We had a fucking fantastic time.  This is quite surprising to both C and me because a) we were in 10-40 degrees weather the whole time and being an LA girl, that usually tends to suck, b) we were with his family for 10 DAYS STRAIGHT and as much as I like them, that worried both of us and c) there was SO MUCH EATING and hardly any moving around and normally?  I hate that.  But guess what?  This time? It was nice feeling like a lazy fat pig!

I won't bore you with too many details but I'll give you the highlights.

Last Monday, we flew into Denver and C and I immediately rented a car to drive two hours up into the Rocky Mountains to Beaver Creek (It's right next to Vail).  Let me just tell you, that as a kid I always wanted to spend some time in one of these cute little ski villages, where there are ice skating rinks and chocolate stores and Starbucks and good restaurants, and you could walk around and ski and then relax by the fire and then walk some more.  It was so perfect and beautiful and out of a movie.  We stayed in a condo there with his family for two nights, playing Trivial Pursuit and eating yummy food and watching good movies and laughing.  C also decided (on his own) that he wanted to take me out alone for dinner the second night, so he found this beautiful restaurant and we went on a date.  Very sweet if you ask me, considering he sees me all the goddamn time and his family very rarely.  I guess he just knew that he wouldn't be alone with me for the next 8 days and wanted to give me a "treat".

On Thursday of last week, C and I had a flight from Denver to Chicago, and what do ya know? They downsized the plane and we were left without a seat, along with 30 or more people.  I immediately went into panic mode, as I quite clearly remember Last December 29th, when C and I had to be put on standby for 8 hours, and only got out of Chicago the next morning at 6.  That, my friends, was HELL.  SO, I nicely spoke to some sweet man wearing a Santa tie, who totally hooked C and I up.  We got to fly first class to Sioux Falls (please, stop the chuckling.  I know, I know, a 1 hour flight, but it was something.  And Sioux Falls's airport?  One long hallway with a stuffed dog.)  and a couple hour layover and then off to Chicago.  SO we made it there only four hours past when we should have BUT we did manage to score two free roundtrip tickets to anywhere in the US except Alaska and Hawaii so I would say we made out well.

Oh, did I tell you that I also was feeling sick again?  I couldn't believe it, as I had just gotten over the WORST cold of my life a bit over a month ago, and then all of a sudden, I was sick again.  And flying.  This was not a good combination.

We woke up the next morning in Illinois to snow on the ground and a pretty sunny sky.  And so started our week of EATING.  Full-on breakfast every morning, and lunch 3 hours later, and of course a heavy hearty dinner.  Did I mind?  Not one bit.  I loved it.  C and I cooked for his whole family on the 23rd (that was 27 people - It felt like Dinner Impossible) and the other days I helped his mom out happily. When I say happily I truly mean it too, because if you would have tried to keep me inside for four straight days at C's parents' house last year or the year before I would have said NO WAY.  But this time, for whatever reason, I felt so comfortable and happy, and genuinely enjoyed their company - especially his mom (In fact, we had a long heart to heart about the "marriage" issue and she was so great about it).  I looked forward to talking to her, and getting her advice, and telling her stories.  It was so nice.  On the 2nd or 3rd day we were there, C looked at me and said this was the best Christmas home he's had in years because he could trust that I was having a good time and he didn't have to constantly check on me like he used to in the past.  This time, he could freely go down to the basement with his brother and dad and play darts or pool, and he knew I would be fine upstairs with the ladies and the kids.

And ohmigod the kids!  C's brother has two kids, a 4 year old boy and a little 8 month old girl.  The boy has always had this thing for me - when C and I see him for the first time in a long time, he tends to run right past him and jump into my arms.  I love that of course, but now that he is getting to a certain stage and has a new baby sister who gets TONS of attention, he had moments of devil-like behavior.  Which was not fun.  But the 8-month old!  So cute - what a sweet age!  And she was obsessed with her Uncle C and wow - to see him with a little baby girl got me teary-eyed at moments.

Other highlights?  We went to visit C's grandparents who are both in a nursing home, the grandfather for physical reasons and the grandma for dementia.  Even though it was sad to see them like that, they were both so sweet and fun and loving, and I just loved seeing the family interact and taking pictures of it.

Also, we spent the first Friday night with a few of C's friends and their wives for dinner at this great Italian restaurant.  It's always good to get together with them, because amazingly enough, I get along with all of the wives really well.  The not so fun part?  Being grilled about marriage after a couple of glasses of wine.  Haven't we had enough???  This last Wednesday, we went to one of the couples' condo, which we hadn't seen yet and they cooked dinner for us.  It was so great.  SUCH a cute house and great food and great music and obviously great wine (anyone else feel they have drank too much lately?) and good conversation and I just loved it.  So much fun. 

And finally Christmas morning.  With mimosas and Christmas music and thousands of presents under the tree, it just it so much fun for me.  And C and I made out pretty nice!  Although I didn't get EXACTLY what I wanted (this is kinda a joke because if C ever proposed to me Christmas morning in front of all of his family, I would be mortified), he did get me the perfume I wanted so badly, an adorable shirt, and a pair of beautiful earrings and a ring.  Not that kind but it was still beautiful.  His parents and family all got us great stuff too (including a new DVD player, gift cards to Marriot Hotels, Whole Foods, Trader Joes, Forever 21, Borders, etc. - they know me well!).

And so came Thursday morning, to quickly pack up and go home, but guess what?  DG got a ridiculous sinus infection!  So no matter how much medicine I took, and how much I tried to forget about it, that day of flying was honestly the most excrutiating thing I had ever gone through.  I mean, ridiculous.  My head was gonna EXPLODE!!!!!  At least I didn't focus on the fact that we were flying and whoops! I'm scared of flying but I actually wasn't at all and I think it cured my fear!

Lastly, C and I are doing really well.  There was hardly one argument the whole time, minus the marriage one after we got majorly grilled.  But other than that, we got along really well and I feel like we bonded even more if that's possible?  As far as the marriage and future talk?  We'll just have to see.  I will say I did get a little more insight as to why he's feeling the way he is, and a lot of it has nothing to do with me but with his job and the current state of his career-life.  So, we'll see.  If I'm happy now must I change it? 

Ugh

Last night I went out and completely let loose.  It was a loooong time coming and I so needed it. 

C is in San Diego this weekend for his annual "mancation".  You should have seen my living room at 9 am on Saturday. 12 guys, all with beers in hand, tossing back and forth a football (on the front yard) and giddy and excited like 5 year olds at Toys R Us.  Most are in relationships, yet you could tell that they were all counting down the days to just get away from it all, drink countless pints and eat whatever cheese and grease filled meal as they pleased without getting looks from their other halves.

I was excited for C and all of them.  I know he needs to get away with the guys, to remind him that he can still "go crazy" and I'll still be here for him without anger or jealousy. 

I've always been like this - not jealous, encouraging him to have boy's nights out, etc.  Some other girls may call me crazy as I have also been known in the past to completely be okay with him getting a lapdance on a bachelor party and actually paid for one myself at a strip club a couple of years back.  I guess it boils down to trust?  Who knows.  All I know is that when he went to Vegas with his good friends a  couple of years back, I told him he should enjoy himself and get a lapdance, and his friend's very religious girlfriend told him that he couldn't, under any circumstances get one.  Sure enough C told me that his friend ended up getting three but C didn't because he said knowing his girlfriend was condoning the idea made it not as exciting.  Works for me.

Anyway, COMPLETELY got off topic there.  So, when C was driving off on Saturday for his trip, I was secretly relieved, cause I needed a bit of a break.

Cause C and I?  We're not perfect.  We argue sometimes (mostly because I can be a very short-tempered bitch and I tend to nag and pick at little things) and we sometimes get annoyed with each other.  But lately?  We have had this strange energy between us because of one word: marriage. 

See, we're at an odd point in our relationship.  In February, we'll have been together for 4.5 years - a long time.  But we did meet young (at least for me, I was 22, he was 24) and we're behind our peers in say, suburban Illinois because we can't afford to have an amazing wedding and buy a house.  I want to get married, not just to get married, but to have that commitment between us.  C, on the other hand, is a bit more hesitant.  I've talked about this before, so please forgive me if you've heard it all, but C questions almost everything in his life, probably more than the average guy. 

On Friday night, things were going wonderfully between us.  We were at my brother-in-law's company party at this awesome warehouse in downtown LA, listening to music and sipping wine when the marriage talk came up.  Again.  Who knows how but for some reason, when things are going good, I have to go and mess it up by wanting to talk about this stuff.  C begins to tell me how much he loves me, but wonders why we have had to work so hard at our relationship to get where we are.  See, in his life, he hasn't experienced any divorce, and all of his family and friends who are married only show and talk about the good.  It's not like we girls who talk about the good stuff and the shit.  So C sees that we've gone through many ups but also many downs in the last 4 and a half years, and he wonders if that's what good marriages are based on.  I think the opposite.  I truly feel that if we've had to go through hurdles and obstacles that have only made us stronger and more "together", then  it shows that we can get through anything.  It's hard for him to see it that way.  Then he threw in that he also doesn't feel financially ready to make a huge purchase in a ring, and plan a wedding, etc.  I tell him that I feel like that's just an excuse because I don't need a HUGE ring or a HUGE wedding, that's not what I'm asking for.  He then tells me that he wants to get me the best cause that's what I deserve...

Well, as you can imagine, to hear that he STILL isn't sure fucking kills me.  Because if you guys could see the way he is with me and the way we are with eachother, you would think he had a ring sitting in his pocket right now.  He is so attentive and affectionate, and always wants to hug and touch me, and listens to my stories and my complaining and is supportive and gives me wonderful advice.  He is incredible with my family and friends, they all LOVE him. 

So why the hell does he STILL not know???  It baffles me.

I immediately went online and googled "boyfriend wont propose" and read a ton of sites about men who are afraid of commitment. Apparently this is common with guys who a) wonder if getting married means the end of boy's night's out, good sex, being spontaneous, having fun, etc. or b) are comfortable the way they are now (they live with their girlfriend and things are going great) and don't see the need to change things.  Sure, it could be those things but it could also be that he just doesn't want to marry me.

Of course after the party on Friday night, he felt incredibly guilty for hurting my feelings and getting heated and talking about the money thing, cause he knows that that shouldn't be any of my business. I hardly spoke, didn't want to fight so I felt not speaking was easier.  We laid in bed together, him holding on to me so hard it hurt.  And throughout the night, I woke up to him cuddling with me, nuzzling against me, rubbing my back.  We usually sleep on opposite sides of the bed. 

Saturday morning, he woke me up before he left by playing with my hair.  He had 10 guys in our living room but wanted to talk to me privately before he left.  For 15 minutes we sat on our bed, him telling me how sorry he is and how much he never wants to make me sad.  He tells me that he feels he's making progress, and maybe he should talk to my brother-in-law who is a clear example of someone who went through many ups and downs and hurdles in his relationship with my sister, but now is beyond happily married.  I tell him that I love him and I think sometimes in life you have to take a leap of faith.  Sometimes, you can't plan out your life's journey, you just have to go with how you feel.  I also tell him in a loving way that it isn't fair for me, and he needs to figure out how much time he will need until he'll know, and tell me.  So I won't just wait and wait.

Since he's been in San Diego, I've gotten a total of 9 phone calls and 14 text messages, many including the words "I love you" and "you better not be flirting with other guys"... things of that nature.  So obviously I'm confused and frustrated - that it can't just be easy for us like it seems it is with other couples.  The couples that just "know" and don't have doubts.  I read something online that said "you shouldn't marry someone that you want to live with, you should marry someone that you can't live without".  Plain and simple.  And I know I can't live without C.  Not now. 

Anyway,  C and I leave tomorrow for 10 days to visit his family.  I'm not looking forward to the cold but it should be nice being in the snow, drinking hot chocolate and eating a lot.  So I may or may not be able to update.  Either way, I already miss you and thank you in advance for your support and advice... it means the world to me.  Merry Christmas everyone!!!

XOXOXOXOX
DG

Keeping busy

C is someone that tries to make the most of his time.  I mean, not always, as many days he is found sitting on the couch watching football, playing online poker, or playing his Xbox until ungodly hours of the morning (maybe he thinks it's more productive than sleeping?).  But if he has extra time in his schedule, he usually tries to fill it with something meaningful.

Like in April, when he had exactly 4 weeks off work for a hiatus, and he planned a three week trip to visit his college friends.  Meanwhile, the week he came back I was off for approximately 20 gazillion years and I spent my days going to the gym and reading blogs. For what seemed like years.

When the strike started, we knew that at some point we would both be off work.  Since that also meant that the money wouldn't be a'flowin, we couldn't take any trips other than the trip to visit his family next week.

So C came up with a plan for each of us to think of approx. 5 things each that we have never done or seen here in LA and want to.  Genius, right?  I know, he's good.

I love that kind of shit.  I spend my free time online, reading websites about my city's new museums and galleries and shops and restaurants and markets and festivals and events.  I'm always wanting to check stuff out, but don't want to do it alone and usually our weekends are so filled with other stuff that we never get around to it.

C is now officially off work.  Friday was his last day.  It sucks, but for him, right now, it's for the better because he was saying it was more depressing being in an office that was hit so hard due to the circumstances. 

Yesterday, after C got home from playing basketball and we ate some lunch, we decided that we would do one thing on my list.  He was curious what I chose and I was embarrassed to tell him what the Number 1 thing in LA I wanted to do was.  Because of all the things in this amazing city, all I cared about was seeing the new Whole Foods in Pasadena that I have seen pictures of, read about and have been obsessed over.

Wouldn't you know my number 1 was related to food?

Why C is great?  He figured that would be it.  I mean, obviously, he said.  SO after seeing what could easily be the best movie of the year, Juno, C and I made the trek to Pasadena (about 20 minutes away).  After hitting up the WRONG Whole Foods (yes, we drove 10 miles longer than needed), we pulled into the  parking lot, walked in the store and were amazed.

Two floors, each section was 3 times larger than normal Whole Foods.  There was a seafood section, with a seafood restaurant and seafood bar attached.  There was a rotisserie and carving station, with tables and seats, where you could easily bring your family for Sunday night dinner.  The cheese section OH MY GOD the cheese section was ORGASMIC.  So big, with samples galore.  And next to that?  The wine and tapas bar, where you could actually sit down and have wine tastings with cheese pairings.  There were couples and friends sitting at the bar and the couches just enjoying their evening at Whole Foods as if it were your neighborhood pub.  And DO NOT get me started on the dessert section, and honestly, can you say no when you are offered samples of donuts and pumpkin pie???

All in all, it was worth the drive and I will definitely go back.  And C?  I know he loved it too.

And today C is already gone, went to Big Bear to help a friend build a cabin until tomorrow night.  See?  Only a couple days off and he's already traveling :)  Can't he learn to just be lazy like me?

Over-thinking... what's a girl to do?

So my weekend was great in theory.  C and I went out for a nice dinner on Friday night, followed by a couple of drinks at a bar.  On Saturday, we went to the gym and met up with some friends for the USC-UCLA game.  At night, we went out to dinner again and spent a few hours at one of his good friend's girlfriend's birthday party.  Yesterday, I went to the gym and then spent most of the day at my mom's with my sister just chatting, before going to the grocery store and coming home to make dinner with C.  Sounds perfect, right?

Well, you see, it kinda was.  We went to great restaurants, had fun, saw friends, smiled, but for the most part, in the back of my head I was not allowing myself to live in the moment and enjoy it.  I was just simply thinking, thinking, and even more thinking.

I tend to do that about most things in my life.  I'll be smack in the middle of having a nice time, where a thought just swipes past my mind and immediately takes me in.  I start to overanalyze and question and almost obsess about whatever it is, and before I know it, I'm not enjoying myself anymore.

On Friday night, before dinner, C and I stopped into our local pub for a glass of wine.  We happened to sit at the bar right next to a friend of mine's ex-boyfriend, who was sitting alone for a bite to eat and a drink.  We started chatting with him, more so because I felt bad that he was sitting there alone, and before we knew it, he was going into a long story of why he and my friend broke up - and according to him, they became more like friends or brother and sister when they moved in together and so they eventually started liking other people while they were still together, etc etc...

So I was having a great time, Friday night with my boyfriend who was looking so cute, drinking a yummy glass of wine, and while hearing this story, I immediately started to wonder about this "friends" thing.  Thinking things like "are C and I like "friends"?" or "are we not in love"? Crazy thoughts.  The annoying part is that I KNOW that is not true.  But I start to almost mentally obsess and then stress in my mind, meanwhile forgetting why I was enjoying myself at all.  Basically, I am a mental hypochondriac - you think that's a real diagnosis? 

I do it with other things too.  C and I will be sitting watching a movie and all of a sudden, I feel a strange  bump or have a weird pain.  Since I am a bit of a physical hypochondriac, all of my attention goes to the pain and OMG I think I have cancer, and then I start to withdraw, and get distracted, and the next thing you know I am having an anxiety attack about dying young.  (OK, I don't always go that extreme, but that's to give you guys an idea how loony I can be...)

It happened again on Saturday.  First at the bar watching the football game.  We finally got a chance to meet C's best friend's new girlfriend who, by the way, is only 21 and he's 30 - a little bit of an age gap in my opinion - but she was pretty sweet for what we were able to see.  Either way, I saw the way they were together: kissy this, huggy that, baby this, looking into eachother's eyes, etc.  Instead of just understanding that OF COURSE they will act that way towards eachother because HI they JUST STARTED DATING, I immediately started to think why don't C and I ALWAYS act that way with eachother?  And then, throughout the rest of the day I found myself picking on C, almost trying to justify my thoughts.  Like, we left the bar and we were walking around town and it was FREEZING, and we didn't know what we felt like doing, and C had had a couple of beers and was being super indecisive about what we should do, so finally after 10 minutes of that I was like "screw it - lets just go home" and the whole drive home I got myself so mentally worked up - thinking "are we right for eachother" kinds of thoughts. 

And then on top of all of it is while I'm having these thoughts?  I want nothing to do with them.  It's like I am trying to push them out of my head because I know that I love C and I know that I want to be with him and I know that every relationship is different and have their own positives and negatives.  So it's like I have an angel and a devil on each of my shoulders sometimes.

Yesterday afternoon I made a conscious choice that I had to stop with the thoughts.  I have a very good thing with C, I am extremely lucky and those questions and thoughts were unfounded and pointless.  It's like if my life is drama-free, I have to find a way to create some.  For the first time for the whole weekend, I was able to just have a nice time enjoying eachother's company, cooking dinner and cuddling on the couch watching some TV.  Sometimes, I wish I was able to put my thoughts on STOP.