20 Something in LA LA land...

I'm baaaaaaaack

Oh how I missed you so!  It's been about two weeks - which is ridiculously long to not keep in touch.  Sure, I love to bore you with the mundane details of my life approximately 4-5 times a week and I'm sure it was hard for you not to have that, but what was really hard for me was not having the time to sit and read your blogs!  I have definite withdrawal symptoms.  So I will quickly tell you about my trip and then I will try to get to all of your blogs through the weekend by the end of this year! HA!

Number one?  We had a fucking fantastic time.  This is quite surprising to both C and me because a) we were in 10-40 degrees weather the whole time and being an LA girl, that usually tends to suck, b) we were with his family for 10 DAYS STRAIGHT and as much as I like them, that worried both of us and c) there was SO MUCH EATING and hardly any moving around and normally?  I hate that.  But guess what?  This time? It was nice feeling like a lazy fat pig!

I won't bore you with too many details but I'll give you the highlights.

Last Monday, we flew into Denver and C and I immediately rented a car to drive two hours up into the Rocky Mountains to Beaver Creek (It's right next to Vail).  Let me just tell you, that as a kid I always wanted to spend some time in one of these cute little ski villages, where there are ice skating rinks and chocolate stores and Starbucks and good restaurants, and you could walk around and ski and then relax by the fire and then walk some more.  It was so perfect and beautiful and out of a movie.  We stayed in a condo there with his family for two nights, playing Trivial Pursuit and eating yummy food and watching good movies and laughing.  C also decided (on his own) that he wanted to take me out alone for dinner the second night, so he found this beautiful restaurant and we went on a date.  Very sweet if you ask me, considering he sees me all the goddamn time and his family very rarely.  I guess he just knew that he wouldn't be alone with me for the next 8 days and wanted to give me a "treat".

On Thursday of last week, C and I had a flight from Denver to Chicago, and what do ya know? They downsized the plane and we were left without a seat, along with 30 or more people.  I immediately went into panic mode, as I quite clearly remember Last December 29th, when C and I had to be put on standby for 8 hours, and only got out of Chicago the next morning at 6.  That, my friends, was HELL.  SO, I nicely spoke to some sweet man wearing a Santa tie, who totally hooked C and I up.  We got to fly first class to Sioux Falls (please, stop the chuckling.  I know, I know, a 1 hour flight, but it was something.  And Sioux Falls's airport?  One long hallway with a stuffed dog.)  and a couple hour layover and then off to Chicago.  SO we made it there only four hours past when we should have BUT we did manage to score two free roundtrip tickets to anywhere in the US except Alaska and Hawaii so I would say we made out well.

Oh, did I tell you that I also was feeling sick again?  I couldn't believe it, as I had just gotten over the WORST cold of my life a bit over a month ago, and then all of a sudden, I was sick again.  And flying.  This was not a good combination.

We woke up the next morning in Illinois to snow on the ground and a pretty sunny sky.  And so started our week of EATING.  Full-on breakfast every morning, and lunch 3 hours later, and of course a heavy hearty dinner.  Did I mind?  Not one bit.  I loved it.  C and I cooked for his whole family on the 23rd (that was 27 people - It felt like Dinner Impossible) and the other days I helped his mom out happily. When I say happily I truly mean it too, because if you would have tried to keep me inside for four straight days at C's parents' house last year or the year before I would have said NO WAY.  But this time, for whatever reason, I felt so comfortable and happy, and genuinely enjoyed their company - especially his mom (In fact, we had a long heart to heart about the "marriage" issue and she was so great about it).  I looked forward to talking to her, and getting her advice, and telling her stories.  It was so nice.  On the 2nd or 3rd day we were there, C looked at me and said this was the best Christmas home he's had in years because he could trust that I was having a good time and he didn't have to constantly check on me like he used to in the past.  This time, he could freely go down to the basement with his brother and dad and play darts or pool, and he knew I would be fine upstairs with the ladies and the kids.

And ohmigod the kids!  C's brother has two kids, a 4 year old boy and a little 8 month old girl.  The boy has always had this thing for me - when C and I see him for the first time in a long time, he tends to run right past him and jump into my arms.  I love that of course, but now that he is getting to a certain stage and has a new baby sister who gets TONS of attention, he had moments of devil-like behavior.  Which was not fun.  But the 8-month old!  So cute - what a sweet age!  And she was obsessed with her Uncle C and wow - to see him with a little baby girl got me teary-eyed at moments.

Other highlights?  We went to visit C's grandparents who are both in a nursing home, the grandfather for physical reasons and the grandma for dementia.  Even though it was sad to see them like that, they were both so sweet and fun and loving, and I just loved seeing the family interact and taking pictures of it.

Also, we spent the first Friday night with a few of C's friends and their wives for dinner at this great Italian restaurant.  It's always good to get together with them, because amazingly enough, I get along with all of the wives really well.  The not so fun part?  Being grilled about marriage after a couple of glasses of wine.  Haven't we had enough???  This last Wednesday, we went to one of the couples' condo, which we hadn't seen yet and they cooked dinner for us.  It was so great.  SUCH a cute house and great food and great music and obviously great wine (anyone else feel they have drank too much lately?) and good conversation and I just loved it.  So much fun. 

And finally Christmas morning.  With mimosas and Christmas music and thousands of presents under the tree, it just it so much fun for me.  And C and I made out pretty nice!  Although I didn't get EXACTLY what I wanted (this is kinda a joke because if C ever proposed to me Christmas morning in front of all of his family, I would be mortified), he did get me the perfume I wanted so badly, an adorable shirt, and a pair of beautiful earrings and a ring.  Not that kind but it was still beautiful.  His parents and family all got us great stuff too (including a new DVD player, gift cards to Marriot Hotels, Whole Foods, Trader Joes, Forever 21, Borders, etc. - they know me well!).

And so came Thursday morning, to quickly pack up and go home, but guess what?  DG got a ridiculous sinus infection!  So no matter how much medicine I took, and how much I tried to forget about it, that day of flying was honestly the most excrutiating thing I had ever gone through.  I mean, ridiculous.  My head was gonna EXPLODE!!!!!  At least I didn't focus on the fact that we were flying and whoops! I'm scared of flying but I actually wasn't at all and I think it cured my fear!

Lastly, C and I are doing really well.  There was hardly one argument the whole time, minus the marriage one after we got majorly grilled.  But other than that, we got along really well and I feel like we bonded even more if that's possible?  As far as the marriage and future talk?  We'll just have to see.  I will say I did get a little more insight as to why he's feeling the way he is, and a lot of it has nothing to do with me but with his job and the current state of his career-life.  So, we'll see.  If I'm happy now must I change it? 

Ugh

Last night I went out and completely let loose.  It was a loooong time coming and I so needed it. 

C is in San Diego this weekend for his annual "mancation".  You should have seen my living room at 9 am on Saturday. 12 guys, all with beers in hand, tossing back and forth a football (on the front yard) and giddy and excited like 5 year olds at Toys R Us.  Most are in relationships, yet you could tell that they were all counting down the days to just get away from it all, drink countless pints and eat whatever cheese and grease filled meal as they pleased without getting looks from their other halves.

I was excited for C and all of them.  I know he needs to get away with the guys, to remind him that he can still "go crazy" and I'll still be here for him without anger or jealousy. 

I've always been like this - not jealous, encouraging him to have boy's nights out, etc.  Some other girls may call me crazy as I have also been known in the past to completely be okay with him getting a lapdance on a bachelor party and actually paid for one myself at a strip club a couple of years back.  I guess it boils down to trust?  Who knows.  All I know is that when he went to Vegas with his good friends a  couple of years back, I told him he should enjoy himself and get a lapdance, and his friend's very religious girlfriend told him that he couldn't, under any circumstances get one.  Sure enough C told me that his friend ended up getting three but C didn't because he said knowing his girlfriend was condoning the idea made it not as exciting.  Works for me.

Anyway, COMPLETELY got off topic there.  So, when C was driving off on Saturday for his trip, I was secretly relieved, cause I needed a bit of a break.

Cause C and I?  We're not perfect.  We argue sometimes (mostly because I can be a very short-tempered bitch and I tend to nag and pick at little things) and we sometimes get annoyed with each other.  But lately?  We have had this strange energy between us because of one word: marriage. 

See, we're at an odd point in our relationship.  In February, we'll have been together for 4.5 years - a long time.  But we did meet young (at least for me, I was 22, he was 24) and we're behind our peers in say, suburban Illinois because we can't afford to have an amazing wedding and buy a house.  I want to get married, not just to get married, but to have that commitment between us.  C, on the other hand, is a bit more hesitant.  I've talked about this before, so please forgive me if you've heard it all, but C questions almost everything in his life, probably more than the average guy. 

On Friday night, things were going wonderfully between us.  We were at my brother-in-law's company party at this awesome warehouse in downtown LA, listening to music and sipping wine when the marriage talk came up.  Again.  Who knows how but for some reason, when things are going good, I have to go and mess it up by wanting to talk about this stuff.  C begins to tell me how much he loves me, but wonders why we have had to work so hard at our relationship to get where we are.  See, in his life, he hasn't experienced any divorce, and all of his family and friends who are married only show and talk about the good.  It's not like we girls who talk about the good stuff and the shit.  So C sees that we've gone through many ups but also many downs in the last 4 and a half years, and he wonders if that's what good marriages are based on.  I think the opposite.  I truly feel that if we've had to go through hurdles and obstacles that have only made us stronger and more "together", then  it shows that we can get through anything.  It's hard for him to see it that way.  Then he threw in that he also doesn't feel financially ready to make a huge purchase in a ring, and plan a wedding, etc.  I tell him that I feel like that's just an excuse because I don't need a HUGE ring or a HUGE wedding, that's not what I'm asking for.  He then tells me that he wants to get me the best cause that's what I deserve...

Well, as you can imagine, to hear that he STILL isn't sure fucking kills me.  Because if you guys could see the way he is with me and the way we are with eachother, you would think he had a ring sitting in his pocket right now.  He is so attentive and affectionate, and always wants to hug and touch me, and listens to my stories and my complaining and is supportive and gives me wonderful advice.  He is incredible with my family and friends, they all LOVE him. 

So why the hell does he STILL not know???  It baffles me.

I immediately went online and googled "boyfriend wont propose" and read a ton of sites about men who are afraid of commitment. Apparently this is common with guys who a) wonder if getting married means the end of boy's night's out, good sex, being spontaneous, having fun, etc. or b) are comfortable the way they are now (they live with their girlfriend and things are going great) and don't see the need to change things.  Sure, it could be those things but it could also be that he just doesn't want to marry me.

Of course after the party on Friday night, he felt incredibly guilty for hurting my feelings and getting heated and talking about the money thing, cause he knows that that shouldn't be any of my business. I hardly spoke, didn't want to fight so I felt not speaking was easier.  We laid in bed together, him holding on to me so hard it hurt.  And throughout the night, I woke up to him cuddling with me, nuzzling against me, rubbing my back.  We usually sleep on opposite sides of the bed. 

Saturday morning, he woke me up before he left by playing with my hair.  He had 10 guys in our living room but wanted to talk to me privately before he left.  For 15 minutes we sat on our bed, him telling me how sorry he is and how much he never wants to make me sad.  He tells me that he feels he's making progress, and maybe he should talk to my brother-in-law who is a clear example of someone who went through many ups and downs and hurdles in his relationship with my sister, but now is beyond happily married.  I tell him that I love him and I think sometimes in life you have to take a leap of faith.  Sometimes, you can't plan out your life's journey, you just have to go with how you feel.  I also tell him in a loving way that it isn't fair for me, and he needs to figure out how much time he will need until he'll know, and tell me.  So I won't just wait and wait.

Since he's been in San Diego, I've gotten a total of 9 phone calls and 14 text messages, many including the words "I love you" and "you better not be flirting with other guys"... things of that nature.  So obviously I'm confused and frustrated - that it can't just be easy for us like it seems it is with other couples.  The couples that just "know" and don't have doubts.  I read something online that said "you shouldn't marry someone that you want to live with, you should marry someone that you can't live without".  Plain and simple.  And I know I can't live without C.  Not now. 

Anyway,  C and I leave tomorrow for 10 days to visit his family.  I'm not looking forward to the cold but it should be nice being in the snow, drinking hot chocolate and eating a lot.  So I may or may not be able to update.  Either way, I already miss you and thank you in advance for your support and advice... it means the world to me.  Merry Christmas everyone!!!

XOXOXOXOX
DG

let's bounce

Last night my partner and I forced ourselves to go to a networking event.  The reason I say "forced" is because honestly?  The idea of leaving my cozy house on a rainy night to be forced to drink and socialize with people I don't even know doesn't usually sit high on my "to do" list.

Either way, we felt it was our "duty" to go and show our faces.

The same things always happen at these events.  You walk in with high hopes, grab a glass of wine, then you find the same circle of 5 that you know and talk to at all of these parties, and basically never mingle to meet new people.  Then you're standing around in a circle wondering why you dragged yourself to go out when you see these people all of the time anyway.

An hour and a half into the party, my partner and I looked at each other and in unison said "let's bounce."

Oh well, at least we tried.

Meanwhile, the new project is a go.  The people we're working with have NO idea what they're doing, at least not in the capacity that we understand is correct, so it's proved to be a little difficult so far getting everyone on the right page.  However, the deal is signed and thank god for that considering I keep hearing the strike wont be ending anytime soon. 

Tonight is the 4th night of Hanukkah, and C and I are celebrating at my mom's tonight with the whole fam.  Should be nice and relaxing and where there's a lot of latkes, there are a lot of smiles.

Have a great weekend!

Father / Daughter

Yesterday, I was thinking about relationships between fathers and their children.

It started in the morning, as I read cdp's post that her boyfriend wrote in honor of his dad.  It was so wonderfully written and I was really touched.  Then, I couldn't stop thinking about C's dad.  Last week, he had a routine checkup and saw that he has some blockage around his heart.  Yes, he's a bit overweight and no, he doesn't eat healthy at all, but it really hit C hard as he imagined the worst.  His dad will be going to a cardiologist tomorrow to figure out what the next step is.

Then, I was reminded of the episode of Oprah (see?  I told you I reference her often!) last week where the Osmond family appeared and honored their father who had passed away just days before.  And Monday's Oprah?  Where Celine Dion's heartbreaking performance the day her father passed away was aired and she surprised a fan in the audience who recently lost her dad of cancer?  TEARS.STREAMING.DOWN my face.

It all makes me think of my relationship with my own dad.  Which is incredibly complicated and such a long story.  In a nutshell, he and my mom divorced when I was 6 months old, he became a VERY wealthy Beverly Hills doctor and paid my mom virtually nothing in child support when my mom was struggling to make ends meet (he eventually had to go to jail for three days until he paid), he was an alcoholic and at one point kicked my sister and I (we were 7 and 9) out on the street from his Malibu beach house out of anger for my mom, he reported us to the our school district that we didn't actually live with him (you had to live in that district to go to the school we were going to and had been going to for years and almost had to change schools if not for my mom), and never really was a significant part of our lives growing up in any way (he was never at any birthdays or sweet sixteens or anything).

My dad eventually separated from his second wife and got sober when I was 15.  After that, his life changed completely.  He now lives in a 1 bedroom apt., and still works in the same field but not NEARLY as successful as he used to be. 

Our relationship got much better after he sobered up.  We meet for weekly dinners or lunches and stay in contact.  However, there is always something missing.  It's hard to explain.  I never truly feel that my dad is happy for me or my sister.  He also is a one-upper, meaning I'll tell him something and he'll immediately tell me something about himself that he feels is more important.  Last night was such a clear example of it.  I was telling him about the strike, and how scary it is that C and I will both be laid off soon, and he literally didn't respond and immediately went into how a news crew is coming to his office to film something for the nightly news.  Like my problem went in one ear and out the other.

But, I know my dad loves us and does care about us.  And I love him too.  But as I said, there is always something missing.

I wish I had a closer relationship with my dad.  I wish that at my wedding, I could look forward to finding a song for the father daughter dance that spells out our relationship or look forward to him walking me down the aisle.  I don't.

Thank god for my mom, who has been a mother, father and friend all my life.  She couldn't be more amazing to me and my sister, and for that reason, she walked my sister down the aisle, and she will definitely walk me.

A night in the life of my family

Last night as I mentioned before was Rosh Hashanah dinner, which is the Jewish New Year.  Therefore it's a happy holiday and sweet, yummy foods represent what the new year should bring.

If only I had a video camera.  Because as much as I love my family, they are a little bit insane.  But unique without a doubt.  So I'll try to give you some tidbits of what went down last night.

• My mom is a television character.  That really is true.  She is so complex and has so many different qualities that sometimes? You never know what you're gonna get.  She always enjoys entertaining, or at least the thought of entertaining.  Yet when it comes to the day where she is cooking 7 dishes, as well as setting the table and making sure everything is organized, Mommy the monster comes out.  She becomes sensitive and loud and lays on the Jewish guilt like she was getting paid for it.  Upon arriving and saying how beautiful the table looks, instead of saying "thanks!", she says "well you know, it's not easy to prepare a dinner, i hope you appreciate it."  And that goes for the remainder of the evening.  No matter how many times you say "wow, this soup is great!" she will inevitably respond with a sarcastic comment like "glad to know you're paying attention.  You know, today was not easy".  So after a while it gets very very annoying.

• My stepdad is a storyteller.  Do you have people like this in your family?  If he sits at a table and isn't the center of attention (meaning he's not talking), he looks miserable.  But when he can jump in and say "this reminds me of a story..." and then go on for 30 minutes, he lights up like he is a comedian.

• My mom's cousin is a very nice doctor, actually a plastic surgeon, who is a germaphobe.  There is a tradition where you take the challah (the round bread) and everyone just pulls a piece off, and he couldn't.  He took a napkin and a knife to it.  Oh yeah, he also can't pronounce my name.  This is not a joke.  Now my name is spelled differently than it is pronounced so I understand strangers that don't know how to say it but family?  COME ON DUDE.

• My stepbrother (one of them - I have 7 stepbrothers and sisters) is a recovering (maybe?) drug addict.  He's 22 and has had a tough last 10 years.  He has gotten himself into all sorts of trouble and has gone to rehabs since he was 15.  He seems to be doing a bit better but it gets a little awkward when 10 minutes after the prayer he is telling me across the table how there is this "really fly girl who I fucked last week and the bitch didn't call me and fuck this - im going outside to have a cigarette."

• By the time the dinner was winding down, half of the family was sitting in front of the TV watching Curb Your Enthusiasm.  At least it's better than a few years back.  I'll never forget the look on my grandma's face when after a nice Hanukkah dinner my mom forced everyone to sit in the living room and watch "Big Mommas House".  Again, not a joke.

So look, I know we all have strange things in our families.  And I love them, no matter how odd and annoying they act at times.  Does anyone have any strange things that their family does that you want to share?

Our sweet little Molly

Wow.  It's interesting the way your day can change from 8 am to 8 pm.

Yesterday morning, I had received the news that I got the job that I have been wanting pretty much all summer.  I finally felt relief and excitement, and even pride that at my age I had made it this far.

That's when I got the call from my mom saying she felt that after 15 and a half years, it was time for our sweet Molly to leave us.

Molly was our Belgian Shepard.  We had gotten her 15 years ago, when she was only 11 weeks old.  I remember driving to the Culver City area with the whole family on the way to the breeders.  My sister and I were told we could name her.  Since we were obsessed with Days of Our Lives at the time and our favorite character was Molly, the name seemed fitting.

She was black sweet cuddly love of a dog.  She always had a ton of energy, sometimes too much where she would nip other dogs and even some human butts.  We tried training but to no avail.  Molly was just Molly, with her quirks and her spastic energy.  No matter what, she always was loving.

We had three dogs at the time.  Mikey, Molly, and Mandy.  Mikey was adorable as well, a loving Golden Retriever.  Mandy was a rescue dog, a French hound, who was not so nice and sweet, and poor Molly got the brunt of it.  Over time, we had to let bot Mikey and Mandy go to doggy heaven - Mikey got incredibly sick and Mandy also got very arthritic and was in pain.  That meant Molly got all the love!  And what kind of love - more than any dog I know.

My mom loved Molly many times more than she loved anyone else.  She would be fed only the best human meals, with different meats that my mom would cook for her before she would cook dinner for her husband.  It was so cute, my mom and Molly, how they would be attached to eachother, literally never going into one room without the other one following behind. Although I have to say Molly was usually following.

The last couple of years have been hard for Molly.  She always had bad hips and bones, but in her years of age she started to really show difficulty.  On top of that, my mom moved twice due to remodeling and a fire in the last year and a half which no doubt was stressful for Molly.  But she had still been managing, although it was difficult.

These last couple of days have been really difficult for my mom and Molly.  She couldn't go on long walks, because in the middle of them she would just fall to the ground - without any energy to keep walking, her poor muscles couldn't handle it.  She would drag her back legs and walk with such a limp.  My mom would put down her food and she would have a hard time even getting to the food, and when she was eating she would have to do it almost laying down.

My mom has always been a wonderful mother - that's why she knew that yesterday should be Molly's last day.  I went to her house and was there with some other family and friends - my mom called it her support circle. For a few hours we talked about Molly, pet her, hugged her, loved her.  My mom fed her a filet mignon - her first - as a "last meal".  The veterinarian came to the house - thank God for that - talked to us for a bit, and my mom finally made the decision that she was ready. 

Molly was calm, as it was done in our living room with her family there to hug and love her.  She was put to a deep sleep when we left the room for the procedure to actually be done. 

Yesterday was probably one of the hardest days in my life.  I loved Molly so much, and really bonded with her in the last two years.  But more than that, I know how much my mom loved her, and to see my strong mother break down the way she did yesterday, over and over, about how she was losing her best friend, was one of the more difficult things for me.  I had to take my sadness for Molly out and be strong for my mom.  She felt so helpless and sad, and looked at me in my eyes over and over needing some justification for the way she felt.  But we knew that this was the right thing, so that our sweet Molly could die with dignity.

The sadness really hit me last night - C and I went to dinner and it was all I could think about.  When I got home I went into my room and broke down.  I needed to really cry - I had been holding most of it in all day. I couldn't sleep last night, her image just kept popping up in my mind.

But I feel better today, and so does my mom.  We know that Molly is in a better place with no pain, and filet mignon for every meal. And she knows that we loved her so much, and only made the decision out of love.

R.I.P. Molly. I love you.

Feeling a little Wicked today

Why, you ask?  It's because I'm seeing the musical, Wicked today!  And I cannot wait.  It will be my second time seeing it - the first was in May when C took me as a Chrismakkah present.  I always liked the music but after I saw it, I fell in LOVE with it.  The stars of the LA performance are INCREDIBLE.  Sure, they aren't the original Kristin Chenowith and Idina Menzel but they are very very close.  I'm going with my mom, sister and grandma so that should be great - as long as my mom doesn't fall asleep or want to leave at intermission.  A few years ago my sister, my mom and I were in London and went to see Mamma Mia.  My mom was out like a light after 15 minutes.  Then, a couple of years ago my family went to see The Producers here in LA.  At intermission, my mom and stepdad were SO over it and left.  But I think Wicked will be different - it's fun and pretty and LOUD.  If you haven't seen it, I suggest you try next time its in your city.

And just to give an update on the C situation:  He has still remained more loving and sweet as ever, being very affectionate and kissy and huggy and foot massagey and all of that stuff.  I appreciate it and I find myself getting over the anger and resentment - which is needed for us to get over this.  I also keep remembering that C always had a hard time with making any big steps in our relationship.  It took him a while to even decide he wanted me to be his girlfriend 4 years ago.  And when I thought it would be a good idea for us to move in together, he was initially very hesitant and scared before he began to get excited about it.  So, maybe that's just the way he is.  Once again, I really appreciate all of your sweet comments and advice - it helps more than you know.

We leave for Chicago on Friday for the long weekend.  That is C's hometown - actually, a suburb north of Chicago.  I think the trip will be good for us.  We go to a Cubs game on Saturday which should be fun because they are doing so well and we're sitting in the bleachers with C's two best friends and their wives.  Supposedly, the bleachers is THE spot to sit to have fun at Wrigley.  I'm more concerned about what to wear to a baseball game in the middle of 90 plus degree weather with possible rain!

Anyway, I'm off to run errands... happy Wednesday!

Thank you

First of all, I want to say thank you to everyone who expressed their sadness over yesterday's post.  I am always surprised when people in my life genuinely care about something that is going on with me.  Like y'all?  I've never met you in person, and have only known you for a couple of months, and I felt like you're comments were real and from the heart.  And all my friends that come through during times like this?  My girlfriend who's going through a nasty separation even called me to see if I was alright.  Why, I wonder, am I still so shocked by niceness (is that a word?) in my life?

But I do feel much better.  Actually, just writing that post made me feel like I payed my respects, and who knows?  Maybe there are blogs after you die??

I've had a really busy week.  Other than this, things on the job front are looking really good.  I know I don't talk about it much and that is simply because there is a VERY exciting prospect of employment in my future and I am SO scared to jinx it by talking about it.  My sister was going through a series of interviews a few months ago for a job that would be a large upgrade to her current one, financially and more.  She told everyone about it - our family, friends, random people we would run into.  She ended up not getting the job and still gets asked "what happened to that GREAT job?" by people.  How depressing to have to rehash your failures over and over. 

So, all I'll say about it is that I first heard about the possibility back in June.  And since then there have been good days and bad days.  But I am FINALLY meeting on it on Wednesday.  And it may not work out.  If it doesn't, I'll understand.  This would be a job where not only would it be amazing, but it would be a HUGE lateral raise, both in title and salary.  It's a job that no 26 year old that I know has.  Because of this, I would have no choice but to accept if it doesn't happen.  It's funny - my friend that I was telling about it yesterday was all "be EXCITED! This is a huge opportunity - you don't even seem happy!".  But the truth is I have a very difficult time being excited and happy for the interview - because then I feel like I'm setting myself up for failure.  I'd rather just think it's not gonna happen and then I can only move up from there.

Other than that?  C and I are going to Denver tonight to visit his brother, sister-in-law, 4 yr. old nephew and 3 month old niece.  I'm very excited because a) I've NEVER been to Colorado and have only heard amazing things, b) I just finished the last of my antibiotics and thank god for that since I'll need a large glass of wine before the plane, and c) anything to keep my mind off being nervous for next Wednesday is a good thing.  Although I really secretly wish I could be home studying - and by that I mean watching every movie and TV show and familiarizing myself with the actors.   

I hope everyone has a great weekend!

so.

My grandmother died on Tuesday. 

She lived in Israel all of my life.  When I was younger, she would come and visit us here in L.A.  As we (and she) got older, it became harder for her to travel.  I have traveled to Israel 7 times in my life to see her and my other grandparents that still live there.  The last time I was there (unfortunately) was 5 years ago.  Israel is incredibly far and sadly a bit dangerous to travel to.  Had I known that she would pass away on July 31, 2007, I would have made it there to see her one last time.  My Sapta (Grandma in Hebrew) Edith was 83.

I never was as close with her as I was with my mom's parents.  That's probably because my father and mother divorced when I was 6 months old and my relationship with my dad has been up and down for the majority of my life.  Also, my father never really cared for his parents.  They never did anything to him other than push him to succeed in his education and in being a doctor - yet my father is notorious for holding grudges.  It was hard for me as a young child to hear bad things about his parents from him and still love them.  Thankfully, I matured and understood that his feelings were his own and that his parents loved me very much.  My mother also was amazing - although she and my father divorced 26 years ago and they had gone through horrible custody and child support battles, she always remained close to her ex-in-laws - because it was the right thing to do.  My grandmother always said that my Mother was the daughter she never had.  I'm sure my dad loved that.

My grandfather (Edith's husband) passed away in 2000.  Soon after, Edith started to learn how to use the computer and she and I would email very frequently.  The language was sometimes difficult but we managed.  I would send her pictures of me and C and she would send me cute E-Cards.  This year she started to send a lot of gifts (maybe she knew her time was nearing the end).  I received watches, jewelry, and just a couple of months ago she purchased a 13 day trip to Florida for C and I.  I never asked for the material gifts but it created more interaction and conversation between us than we had ever had.

One week ago, my father got a call from her doctor who had made a house call.  Her live-in housekeeper/nurse/friend had finally called the doctor because my grandmother wasn't eating.  The doctor suggested to my dad that he come to Israel.  She was dying.  But she never wanted treatment.  For as long as we can remember, she had told us that she didn't want to go to the hospital.  She didn't want to prolong her life.  If she was dying, she just wanted to die.  I called her 5 days ago.  She spoke for about 30 seconds - just to say "I love you" and that she was proud of me.  It would be the last time I heard her voice.

I feel sad that I didn't know her that well.  I pray that when I am a mother and a grandmother, my family all live near to me.  Because I couldn't think of a worse thing to grow old and God forbid, die alone without your children and family near you.  I know she's in a better place, with her husband - her love of her life - and her friends who have passed on before her. 

Rest In Peace Sapta Edith.