20 Something in LA LA land...

Annoyed

The following are reasons that I have been annoyed for the last few days.  Most of these have absolutely no merit, and I shouldn't be annoyed by them, but I just am:

• It's raining.  I'm over the rain.  I want to wake up to a beautiful sunny day.

• Speaking of waking up, can you tell me why it feels and looks like 4 am when I wake up at 7???

• Why is there NO parking at the gym? 

• Why is there NO parking anywhere in LA for that matter???

• I am having severe body issues these past couple of weeks.  I cannot get past my arms.  How come I take my ass to the gym 4-5 days a week, do cardio and weights and my arms are still like elephant trunks?

• I know that I probably should be trying to keep my eating in check, but when C pulls out chocolate almost EVERY SINGLE NIGHT, how come I can't walk away and say, "oh, this orange looks SO MUCH BETTER!"?

• Our mail situation at home is totally out of control.  We don't have an office in this apartment, so our kitchen doubles as an office, with the computer and ALL of the mail, strewn on the dining room table.  Tell me, do you guys have any brilliant mail organizing solutions for me?

• Why does C only clean up in spurts?  I appreciate it when he does, but why is it that every morning when I wake up and come into the living room, there is always much evidence of the night before - maybe a glass of wine, dishes, said chocolate, magazines, clothes, etc?  I don't want to be a nag but how can I politely say "dear, clean your SHIT up"!

• C still hasn't returned back to work since the strike ended a week ago.  I know that he will get a job soon enough, but I secretly stress out for him and for us - even though he really rarely does.

• My boss likes to preach.  Ask him something political, cut to two hours of him still talking with dramatic pauses and all.  Same goes when you ask him to pass the chips or what movie did he see this weekend.   

Alright, surprisingly, I feel better.  What are you annoyed about this morning?

1 day

Thankfully, last night I FINALLY slept over 8 hours, although it was quite interrupted by the strange sounds... but at least I did sleep.  However, I would be seriously concerned with myself if I didn't considering yesterday was one of the BUSIEST days at work ever.

I woke up extremely early by C on the phone.  Please understand that it's an absolute miracle for C to be awake before me, but to be on the phone and alert before I've opened my eyes is out of this world.  Well, he was both so I decided to forego my extra hour and wake up.  Immediately, I was given assignments: get some advil in travel packs for him, another moisturizer, go to the bank, grocery store, etc.  Normally I would politely tell him to please do these things himself but I looked in his eyes and knew that he NEEDED help.  He was exhausted and stressed and a bit anxious about what this job has already done to him.  He started last Thursday and ever since then, his phone is CONSTANTLY ringing, the emails are constantly binging, and the sleep has been put on the backburner.  I really felt badly for him, so of course I ran his errands instead of going to the gym.

He and his crew were working out of my offices yesterday (same network) and it was crazy.  I was sitting at my desk and all I heard were people calling his name... over and over.  He wasn't kidding when he said this was stressful.  On top of that, my day at work yesterday was going to be INSANE... my partner and I had planned on it, and then we were going to teach a workshop afterwards.  I get a call at 10 am from her that she had been throwing up all night and couldn't get out of bed.  Of course I told her not to but what then transpired for the next 6 hours was HYSTERIA.  My phones were OUT OF CONTROL, and I was in 4 hours of casting all alone.  NUTS.  Somewhere in that craziness, C left to go to Tucson, and I left my crazy day and happily came home to sit on the couch and immerse myself in TV.

I spoke to C for a while last night and was grateful for at least that.  When he was in Europe last year for 3 weeks, I think the hardest part was that I couldn't talk to him every night before bed like we've done now for over 4 years.  But then I had my jealousy dream and now I'm a bit unsettled. 

I'm not a jealous girl.  If I act jealous, it's mostly to make light of a situation and honestly, I think it makes C feel sorta good.  I trust C more than a girlfriend should probably trust their boyfriend, but I just know that if he is anything, it's loyal.  I think he would break up with me before he cheated on me.  So normally, I wouldn't be worried. But yesterday I saw one of the women with whom he is working very closely on this project and is constantly calling and emailing him and vice-versa.  And she's adorable, and petite and blonde.  He loves the blondes!  Anyway, they are in such close contact everyday and I'm not naive, I know that when you are in stressful situations in other cities with someone day in and day out, things could happen.  I'm going to try to not let my mind go there but he's been gone one day and it already is.  The worst part is, I have no way of knowing what's really going on.  Ew.  Now I just feel sad and gross. 

Head.Hurts.

So, I didn't end up calling my friend yesterday.  Or my other friend who started a very important new job yesterday.  Or my sister.  In fact, by the end of the workday, I could hardly do anything other than just lay down and close my eyes.

I started getting a bit of a headache at around noon yesterday.  I took some Advil and it was gone for the majority of the day.  As I was leaving the office to go meet my mom for dinner, the pounding started again.  I assumed that it was the hat I was wearing (yes, it was a bit tight but OH SO CUTE) so I took it off and risked looking like a hat-headed fool to ease the pain.  I made it thru dinner but right afterwards, it hit me like a ton of bricks.  Just in one area on the left side of my head. 

When I got home, I took some more Advil and managed to get some stuff done, but after a few minutes I could hardly open my eyes.  I laid on the couch, 1/2 sleeping and 1/2 watching Iron Chef with C, and was in bed by 10:30.  That hasn't happened in FOREVER.

What is up with me and my constant sickness and stuff???  First it was the killer cold - then the horrendous sinus infection that lasted two weeks.  Then, I finally start to feel better and it's a crippling headache.  This morning, I woke up, felt better, went to the gym and now I have a headache on the right side!  WTF?

So, some of you may know that I am somewhat of a hypochondriac... I don't make up sickness, but when I feel something, I automatically think it's a sign of the worse.  For example, my headaches?  They have to be a sign of something really bad in my brain, right?  (I say this only half joking - I told you, I'm a bit of a sicko).  Oh!  And our apartment (which is great but in a very old building, built in the 20's) has had some gas issues.  When C and I were in Chicago, we got a call from our landlord.  She mentioned that there was a "furnace issue" in another apartment and that we shouldn't use our heater due to possible gas leaks.  Um, hello?  Also, we have an old stove and the pilot light goes out approximately every 2.5 days.  Is anyone else worried about my safety?  I, of course, thought that the reason for my headaches and the dizziness had to be due to gas leaks or carbon monoxide poisoning... Lucky C, huh?

Does anyone have similar stories?  And by that I mean, does anyone feel like they have been constantly experiencing one physical problem after another lately??  Please make me feel normal!

Ugh

Last night I went out and completely let loose.  It was a loooong time coming and I so needed it. 

C is in San Diego this weekend for his annual "mancation".  You should have seen my living room at 9 am on Saturday. 12 guys, all with beers in hand, tossing back and forth a football (on the front yard) and giddy and excited like 5 year olds at Toys R Us.  Most are in relationships, yet you could tell that they were all counting down the days to just get away from it all, drink countless pints and eat whatever cheese and grease filled meal as they pleased without getting looks from their other halves.

I was excited for C and all of them.  I know he needs to get away with the guys, to remind him that he can still "go crazy" and I'll still be here for him without anger or jealousy. 

I've always been like this - not jealous, encouraging him to have boy's nights out, etc.  Some other girls may call me crazy as I have also been known in the past to completely be okay with him getting a lapdance on a bachelor party and actually paid for one myself at a strip club a couple of years back.  I guess it boils down to trust?  Who knows.  All I know is that when he went to Vegas with his good friends a  couple of years back, I told him he should enjoy himself and get a lapdance, and his friend's very religious girlfriend told him that he couldn't, under any circumstances get one.  Sure enough C told me that his friend ended up getting three but C didn't because he said knowing his girlfriend was condoning the idea made it not as exciting.  Works for me.

Anyway, COMPLETELY got off topic there.  So, when C was driving off on Saturday for his trip, I was secretly relieved, cause I needed a bit of a break.

Cause C and I?  We're not perfect.  We argue sometimes (mostly because I can be a very short-tempered bitch and I tend to nag and pick at little things) and we sometimes get annoyed with each other.  But lately?  We have had this strange energy between us because of one word: marriage. 

See, we're at an odd point in our relationship.  In February, we'll have been together for 4.5 years - a long time.  But we did meet young (at least for me, I was 22, he was 24) and we're behind our peers in say, suburban Illinois because we can't afford to have an amazing wedding and buy a house.  I want to get married, not just to get married, but to have that commitment between us.  C, on the other hand, is a bit more hesitant.  I've talked about this before, so please forgive me if you've heard it all, but C questions almost everything in his life, probably more than the average guy. 

On Friday night, things were going wonderfully between us.  We were at my brother-in-law's company party at this awesome warehouse in downtown LA, listening to music and sipping wine when the marriage talk came up.  Again.  Who knows how but for some reason, when things are going good, I have to go and mess it up by wanting to talk about this stuff.  C begins to tell me how much he loves me, but wonders why we have had to work so hard at our relationship to get where we are.  See, in his life, he hasn't experienced any divorce, and all of his family and friends who are married only show and talk about the good.  It's not like we girls who talk about the good stuff and the shit.  So C sees that we've gone through many ups but also many downs in the last 4 and a half years, and he wonders if that's what good marriages are based on.  I think the opposite.  I truly feel that if we've had to go through hurdles and obstacles that have only made us stronger and more "together", then  it shows that we can get through anything.  It's hard for him to see it that way.  Then he threw in that he also doesn't feel financially ready to make a huge purchase in a ring, and plan a wedding, etc.  I tell him that I feel like that's just an excuse because I don't need a HUGE ring or a HUGE wedding, that's not what I'm asking for.  He then tells me that he wants to get me the best cause that's what I deserve...

Well, as you can imagine, to hear that he STILL isn't sure fucking kills me.  Because if you guys could see the way he is with me and the way we are with eachother, you would think he had a ring sitting in his pocket right now.  He is so attentive and affectionate, and always wants to hug and touch me, and listens to my stories and my complaining and is supportive and gives me wonderful advice.  He is incredible with my family and friends, they all LOVE him. 

So why the hell does he STILL not know???  It baffles me.

I immediately went online and googled "boyfriend wont propose" and read a ton of sites about men who are afraid of commitment. Apparently this is common with guys who a) wonder if getting married means the end of boy's night's out, good sex, being spontaneous, having fun, etc. or b) are comfortable the way they are now (they live with their girlfriend and things are going great) and don't see the need to change things.  Sure, it could be those things but it could also be that he just doesn't want to marry me.

Of course after the party on Friday night, he felt incredibly guilty for hurting my feelings and getting heated and talking about the money thing, cause he knows that that shouldn't be any of my business. I hardly spoke, didn't want to fight so I felt not speaking was easier.  We laid in bed together, him holding on to me so hard it hurt.  And throughout the night, I woke up to him cuddling with me, nuzzling against me, rubbing my back.  We usually sleep on opposite sides of the bed. 

Saturday morning, he woke me up before he left by playing with my hair.  He had 10 guys in our living room but wanted to talk to me privately before he left.  For 15 minutes we sat on our bed, him telling me how sorry he is and how much he never wants to make me sad.  He tells me that he feels he's making progress, and maybe he should talk to my brother-in-law who is a clear example of someone who went through many ups and downs and hurdles in his relationship with my sister, but now is beyond happily married.  I tell him that I love him and I think sometimes in life you have to take a leap of faith.  Sometimes, you can't plan out your life's journey, you just have to go with how you feel.  I also tell him in a loving way that it isn't fair for me, and he needs to figure out how much time he will need until he'll know, and tell me.  So I won't just wait and wait.

Since he's been in San Diego, I've gotten a total of 9 phone calls and 14 text messages, many including the words "I love you" and "you better not be flirting with other guys"... things of that nature.  So obviously I'm confused and frustrated - that it can't just be easy for us like it seems it is with other couples.  The couples that just "know" and don't have doubts.  I read something online that said "you shouldn't marry someone that you want to live with, you should marry someone that you can't live without".  Plain and simple.  And I know I can't live without C.  Not now. 

Anyway,  C and I leave tomorrow for 10 days to visit his family.  I'm not looking forward to the cold but it should be nice being in the snow, drinking hot chocolate and eating a lot.  So I may or may not be able to update.  Either way, I already miss you and thank you in advance for your support and advice... it means the world to me.  Merry Christmas everyone!!!

XOXOXOXOX
DG

Over-thinking... what's a girl to do?

So my weekend was great in theory.  C and I went out for a nice dinner on Friday night, followed by a couple of drinks at a bar.  On Saturday, we went to the gym and met up with some friends for the USC-UCLA game.  At night, we went out to dinner again and spent a few hours at one of his good friend's girlfriend's birthday party.  Yesterday, I went to the gym and then spent most of the day at my mom's with my sister just chatting, before going to the grocery store and coming home to make dinner with C.  Sounds perfect, right?

Well, you see, it kinda was.  We went to great restaurants, had fun, saw friends, smiled, but for the most part, in the back of my head I was not allowing myself to live in the moment and enjoy it.  I was just simply thinking, thinking, and even more thinking.

I tend to do that about most things in my life.  I'll be smack in the middle of having a nice time, where a thought just swipes past my mind and immediately takes me in.  I start to overanalyze and question and almost obsess about whatever it is, and before I know it, I'm not enjoying myself anymore.

On Friday night, before dinner, C and I stopped into our local pub for a glass of wine.  We happened to sit at the bar right next to a friend of mine's ex-boyfriend, who was sitting alone for a bite to eat and a drink.  We started chatting with him, more so because I felt bad that he was sitting there alone, and before we knew it, he was going into a long story of why he and my friend broke up - and according to him, they became more like friends or brother and sister when they moved in together and so they eventually started liking other people while they were still together, etc etc...

So I was having a great time, Friday night with my boyfriend who was looking so cute, drinking a yummy glass of wine, and while hearing this story, I immediately started to wonder about this "friends" thing.  Thinking things like "are C and I like "friends"?" or "are we not in love"? Crazy thoughts.  The annoying part is that I KNOW that is not true.  But I start to almost mentally obsess and then stress in my mind, meanwhile forgetting why I was enjoying myself at all.  Basically, I am a mental hypochondriac - you think that's a real diagnosis? 

I do it with other things too.  C and I will be sitting watching a movie and all of a sudden, I feel a strange  bump or have a weird pain.  Since I am a bit of a physical hypochondriac, all of my attention goes to the pain and OMG I think I have cancer, and then I start to withdraw, and get distracted, and the next thing you know I am having an anxiety attack about dying young.  (OK, I don't always go that extreme, but that's to give you guys an idea how loony I can be...)

It happened again on Saturday.  First at the bar watching the football game.  We finally got a chance to meet C's best friend's new girlfriend who, by the way, is only 21 and he's 30 - a little bit of an age gap in my opinion - but she was pretty sweet for what we were able to see.  Either way, I saw the way they were together: kissy this, huggy that, baby this, looking into eachother's eyes, etc.  Instead of just understanding that OF COURSE they will act that way towards eachother because HI they JUST STARTED DATING, I immediately started to think why don't C and I ALWAYS act that way with eachother?  And then, throughout the rest of the day I found myself picking on C, almost trying to justify my thoughts.  Like, we left the bar and we were walking around town and it was FREEZING, and we didn't know what we felt like doing, and C had had a couple of beers and was being super indecisive about what we should do, so finally after 10 minutes of that I was like "screw it - lets just go home" and the whole drive home I got myself so mentally worked up - thinking "are we right for eachother" kinds of thoughts. 

And then on top of all of it is while I'm having these thoughts?  I want nothing to do with them.  It's like I am trying to push them out of my head because I know that I love C and I know that I want to be with him and I know that every relationship is different and have their own positives and negatives.  So it's like I have an angel and a devil on each of my shoulders sometimes.

Yesterday afternoon I made a conscious choice that I had to stop with the thoughts.  I have a very good thing with C, I am extremely lucky and those questions and thoughts were unfounded and pointless.  It's like if my life is drama-free, I have to find a way to create some.  For the first time for the whole weekend, I was able to just have a nice time enjoying eachother's company, cooking dinner and cuddling on the couch watching some TV.  Sometimes, I wish I was able to put my thoughts on STOP. 

Letter to my fellow gym-goers.

Hey guys,

Isn't it fun that we all go to the same gym here in LA almost everyday?  Isn't it just great that we care about our fitness and cholesterol and appearance?  I know.  It is!

But since we see eachother almost every.single.day and that means we're kinda like friends now, I thought I would just write you guys a letter to let you know how I really feel.

* First of all - the talking.  I totally feel you - you're popular!  I GET IT.  Does that mean I need to hear your cell phone ring 16 times in the course of 30 minutes on the treadmill RIGHT NEXT TO ME??? No.  Sure, if your kid is having an emergency or say you may get fired from your job if you don't take it?  Well then fine.  But if I hear one more goddamn conversation about Dancing with The Stars and "HA HA" and "OMG!!!" and "FUCK YOU you are SO FUNNY!!!" when I am focused on my run?  Not so cool.  See, there's a problem when my "Barbie Girl" is on the loudest setting on my iPod and I can still hear you talk about Tila Tequila.  ON YOUR CELL.

* Next, the smells.  I love smells - you know, of the pumpkin pie, rose, and Marc Jacobs variety but B.O.??  NOT SO MUCH.  Friends - put on some deodorant!  It can't be that hard - wake up, brush teeth, put on deodorant!  Also, please do not eat copious amounts of garlic or drink insane amounts of tequila the night before either.  Because really?  I don't like working out at a restaurant / bar.

* Your clothes.  I'm ALL about wearing whatever you want to the gym - I really am.  Different clothes are more conducive to different people's bodies and workout styles but ladies?  Going to the gym is NOT an audition for the Bachelor.  I promise you.  You don't need to dress that skimpy, I mean, shorts should be at least 5 inches long, right?  I love ya, but I really really don't need to see your Britneys in front of me in spin class.  And men?  Tighter is NOT better.

* Lastly, the sounds.  (I know I'm being a little crazy on this one but go with it)  Please bring a tissue if you need to consistently remove snot from your nose as you work out.  I don't need to hear it every single time you snort, sniff, and cough.  Also, the grunting.  Really?  Seriously?

Like I said before, I LOVE working out all the time too.  If you could just make these slight changes in your "routine", it would be greatly appreciated :)

XOXO,
DG

Sidenote:  I just had seriously the most disgusting experience and had to share.  As I was driving out of the Starbucks parking lot this morning, a man in a GORGEOUS mercedes almost hit my car.  Luckily I was paying attention, because he had no clue what he was doing... as he was looking down straight into the most disgusting SMUT magazine.  (Did he not realize that I have an SUV and can look down into his car and see everything???)  This was girl on girl stuff, with dildos and close ups of the lower regions, and the man was blatantly flipping through the mag as he would be in the privacy of his bedroom. Plus, he was doing it while driving way below the speed limit and in two lines.  Worst part?  He had a wedding ring on.   Just had to share.

Dig me out of the hole please???

I have a headache.

It could be from a: going out last night and drinking wine, a margarita and a couple of beers in the span of 4 hours, b: not sleeping well enough or c: I feel like my life is falling apart.

I'm thinking it's definitely a three-way tie.

I'll start with how my life is falling apart.

As you all know, the writer's are still on strike.  My employment has been a bit up in the air since that Monday two weeks ago, but I remained positive.  We heard from sources above us that they wanted to keep us on as long as possible, which would have been a blessing, and therefore, I kinda pretended like everything was going to be alright.  I should have known better.

First, C was given his last day - November 30th.  It freaked us both out because lately, he's been the "breadwinner" and "caretaker" and money has been flowing pretty well to be honest.  However, he is really the practical, rational one and kept on saying "it will all be okay.  We'll be okay."

Then came this last Friday.  We knew we would hear on Friday whether or not our deal would be extended, since we wouldn't be coming in on Monday if we weren't gonna be paid for it.  Friday morning, my partner and I get a very promising phone call from a higher-up saying that they 99% would keep us on.   So we smiled, and breathed a sigh of relief, and went on about our day.

4 pm comes around and we get another call.  This time, the news wasn't so pleasant.  We were being "let go" to "enjoy" the holidays and they would bring us back in the beginning of January to resume our jobs.  The reason I actually understand.  The strike could be very long, and most likely, won't be resolved until the beginning of next year anyway, so our services wouldn't be needed anyway until closer to the end of the strike. 

Understand?  Sure.  Pissed and sad and worried?  Definitely.

C and I went to a movie and tried to take our minds off of it.  It worked temporarily but what really made me sleep well was seeing the news that the two sides agreed to at least meet and negotiate on November 26.  Hey, it's progress.

Yesterday was a great day considering.  We started it off by going to a spinning class TOGETHER - yes, you read that correctly, I got C to go with me and he LOVED it.  Then an afternoon softball game and a friend's party at a local bar last night.

Which brings me to my meltdown this morning.  I woke up hungover which is NEVER a good start to a Sunday and went to check my email.  I received an email from my car insurance which basically said that it charged me some exorbitant amount of money (which I assume am SURE is wrong because who gets charged $649.46 for ONE month of car insurance???) but I can't do anything about it because it's Monday.  Then I went to check my bank statement and took a hard look and what I have, what I need to pay in the coming weeks, etc...

And then it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Tears started streaming, breathing became shallow.

I feel like I am in a hole that I can't get out of. 

Not sure if you remember but I was unemployed for a bit over four months this summer waiting for this current job opportunity to open up for me.  Therefore, for a lot of 2007, I was not making a salary. I was handling it ok, budgeting myself in a way that I would be alright considering my salary would be constant once the job started. 

But now I'm back to no salary.  But there is still my car payment and car insurance and health insurance and phone bills and cable bills and electricity bills and gym payments and RENT, and yes, every 5 weeks I have to get my hair touched up and hello? I also have to EAT.  SO really, I am royally fucked.

I feel better now, a couple of hours after the meltdown.  I spoke to my sister who always gives me good advice and offers monetary help should I need it.  C always helps me by being supportive and hugging me and telling me we will be ok.  He always tells me how we will one day be rich and successful and look back at "that time in our 20's where we had no money at all and thought we could be homeless etc" and laugh and slap our knees.  When will that time come?

See, I know that one day, all will be okay.  I just feel like as the years go on, financially I should be better and better, not worse. So in that aspect, I can't help but take it a little personally and feel like a slight failure.

My headache did go away though.  It's the small successes too.

Still sick.

I cannot believe that it's Monday morning and I am STILL feeling under the weather.  This cold, by far, is one of the strangest colds I have ever had...

Tuesday night I started to feel a bit of a lower throat/chest/cough thing.  That lasted through Friday morning, when I started to get worst in the chest region, and my head felt a little "floaty".  Saturday I hardly had a voice and my throat KILLED, and starting yesterday my nose was a runny faucet.  Well, either that or a stuffy mess. And this morning, I'm not that much better.  I cannot stop sneezing!!!

Last night, I sent a text to my partner telling her I may not show up to work today, depending on how I feel.  Of course, she was completely fine with that.  However, I woke up this morning feeling ill but still wanting to go to work!  It's an important day for us and I don't want to miss any of it.  Especially considering the fact that the writers are officially on strike and I may not have a job to go to before I know it. 

So I just took a couple of Dayquil and hopefully, within the next few minutes, I'll feel good as new.  It kinda reminds me of this time in college where my best friend and some guys that we were into were going to Vegas one weekend.  The day that we were supposed to leave, she and I both came down with bad colds with fevers.  Instead of canceling the trip, we loaded up on Dayquil for the WHOLE weekend and went about our business as usual.  We were in Vegas so of course that meant drinking A LOT.  How stupid were we???  You should see the pictures. 

That has been my life for the last few days.  I really hope that this cold goes away (the strike as well) and I start to feel back to normal.  Enough is enough!  And I hate to brag about C again but oh my god, if you guys could only see what a good caretaker he is of me - it's amazing.  Anything I want he gets for me, he cooks for me, always gets me kleenex, gives me massages, and gives me puppydog eyes because he really feels bad for me being sick.  Not once have I felt like I have imposed or have grossed him out because honestly?  The amount of used kleenex and the sounds that have come out of my nose and mouth?  NOT PRETTY.  Bless his heart :)

Bulletpoint post

Only because that's what seems to be going through my mind today.  Enjoy!

• I am SO anxious to start working already.  Our deal is closed but the project isn't official yet, so until then, all we can do is mentally prepare ourselves for the "hell" that will be ahead of us.  I secretly can't wait to be busy out of my mind, I just hope that it happens soon before all the wind leaves our sails...

• Obviously, you know today is 9/11.  It was the first thought I had when I woke up.  I still have such vivid memories of that day - I can only imagine what it was like to be in NYC during that day. 

• My dream was insane - there were Macbooks, beaches, margaritas, an ocean, and last but not least, Heidi and Spencer getting married in a "Snow White" theme.  I'm not kidding.  SO STRANGE.  Oh yeah, Justin Bobby was there too.  WTF?

• The friend I told you about yesterday called me last night.  I think we both knew that we hadn't talked since Friday for a reason, and she was all "Yo" when I answered.  I mean, seriously?  WHO DOES THAT?  Do I look like Ms. Wild 'n Out?  She was acting so strange, just asking me about the bridal shower and luckily, I had to go shortly after that.  I seriously couldn't handle it.

• I woke us today feeling SO sick of my unemployed routine that I could scream.  NO, I dont want to go to the gym today.  NO, I don't want to come home and eat lunch and watch reality TV.  And NO, I don't want to find something to fill my afternoon time that includes spending money, which is like, IMPOSSIBLE.  I CANNOT WAIT TO START WORK!!!

OK, that's all. Sorry if that was the lamest post ever.  But today is just one of those days :)

To have or to not have judgemental friends...

That is the question.

My weekend was great.  Friday night, dinner and (many) drinks with friends to celebrate the new job, Saturday, shopping and bbq at mom's house with family, and yesterday a bridal shower for my best friend.

Except one thing happened on Friday night that really pissed me off, and continues to piss me off so I figured who better than to talk to about it than you all?

One of my girlfriends (we'll call her T) and I have known eachother for almost 4 years.  We got a job where we worked in the same office for an INSANE boss and therefore, after spending 15 hour days together, we bonded.  When she needed help I would be there and vice versa.  And soon after, our work friendship transpired into a real friendship. 

T isn't like a lot of the people I normally hang out with.  She rarely drinks (she used to not drink at all), her favorite thing to do is hang at home on her couch with her cat, she has never had a real relationship, and she has a tendency for depression which she takes medication for.

HOWEVER, T is an incredibly loyal person.  She is always there for me if I'm having a problem or an issue in my life that I need help with.  She would drop whatever she was doing to come help me if I needed it, and here in Los Angeles, a friend like that is very valuable.

But, one thing that I've noticed about T is that I have a feeling she secretly enjoys when I am down about something.  For example, if C and I are fighting, or if I am having problems in my job, or a bout with anxiety, I almost feel like it makes her feel better.... so she is more than willing to help me take care of it.  And when I am happy about something?  Sometimes, I feel like she isn't truly happy for me.  It makes her feel worse when I am happy.  Make sense?

Friday night, C and I decided to go to this nearby restaurant/bar with some of our friends and my new partner for work to sort of celebrate our new job.  T had called me earlier and she told me that she was also planning on being at the same restaurant that night for another friend of her's birthday.  So when she got there, C and my friends and I were already laughing, on our 2nd glass of wine just having so much fun.  The second T got there the mood changed.  She was upset or annoyed about something.  I felt it.  And then - she tells me 3 times (!!!) that I'm too drunk.  "OMG you're soo drunk" she said to me when I was just sipping my 2nd glass of wine.  I told her that I wasn't, I was just having fun.  And then, again she said it to me later and I looked at her  and got so angry.  There I was, having so much fun with C and friends that were congratulating me and celebrating me and buying me drinks, and on my right side was T annoying me and making me feel like a drunk child.  And seriously?  SO WHAT if I were buzzed.  We walked to the restaurant, we were celebrating, and it was Friday night.  I wasn't stripping or dancing on tables or falling down.  We were sitting at a table having a good time.  Meanwhile I felt I had to bring my happiness down a notch to make my friend feel better.

And that makes me wonder what kind of a friend she really is.  Look, I know that she's a bit jealous about my new job.  This was something she wanted to do but couldn't handle the instability and had to go corporate.  And I know she's jealous of my relationship with C.  She has never had a boyfriend before and  I know that gets lonely.  But at what point is feeling like you have to supress your happiness for a friend ok?