20 Something in LA LA land...

progress

So now I feel bad. I got all of your hopes up that there would be a ring on my finger.  Let me clear something up: if there would be a ring on my finger, I would NEVER say "update to come".  I would say "HOLY MOTHER *&*$#%^&! I'm engaged!!!!!".

No, we are not engaged, but there has been significant progress in our relationship.  I'm not gonna give the whole backstory on what our relationship dillemas have been as of late, but I will say that as most of you know, C has had a really hard time getting used to the idea of marriage.  It started due to a fear because all of these marriages and engagements around both of us were falling apart.  Then, it turned into him focusing on the negative aspects of our relationship (there are very few of these) and turning them into big deals (for example, the fact that I didn't feel like going to the bar when he did was all of a sudden a HUGE turning point.  Thankfully, he got over that one fast.

More recently, C has had a bit of a freakout / life crisis.  It really started when he knew the strike was going to force him out of a job.  The fact that he had no control of over his job freaked him out.  He started to wonder if this job was right for him, if he was cut out for this industry (since he is actually nice unless most people he works with), and therefore, started to let his mind wander to all of the other things he could be doing, seeing or places he could be traveling to. 

I first found out about this crossroad that he was at during Christmas at his parent's house - the night before 25 of his relatives were coming over.  I had NO idea that he was starting to question his job, or even living in LA, so you can imagine I was completely floored and sad to hear that. 

Since that talk, things started to go really well between us.  We were laughing all of the time, having wonderful nights out and enjoying our time together cuddling on the couch.  It's when things are good that I assume he's "over it" and is on the same track I am.  So I asked him - again - a few days ago, and sure enough, he said he's working on it but no, he didn't have any answers for me about where his future stood.

Now, you have to understand that if I heard one of you saying this about your boyfriend, I would probably tell you "leave him, he's never gonna come around, he doesn't love you, etc."  But you also have to understand that C LOVES ME.  This is not a maybe, this is a 100% sure.  I also know how he feels because I was pretty much EXACTLY where he was in the summer of '06: questioning my relationship, my career, my life.  So although I was trying to be sympathetic, and give him time, I couldn't fake it anymore.

Laying in bed on Tuesday night, I basically told him straight out: "You NEED to make a decision.  I don't want to give you an ultimatum, or put ridiculous pressure on you so that you do something even if you're not ready to, but I have no choice.  You see, I don't need the ring or the wedding or even the actual engagement right now (and that is the truth, believe it or not, I'm only 26 and still a total child), but I need to know that that is where we are headed.  My life, my future depends on your answer. "  I said this all very maturely, and un-emotionally and not over-dramatic, which was good.  He didn't say much (he tends to do a lot of thinking when I talk to him) but I could tell he was clearly moved by what I said.  We kissed goodnight and I went to bed (if you think tossing and turning for 6 hours is sleep).

Yesterday morning started out to be a bad day.  I was sad, and at a loss on how to treat him.  I mean, he woke up and immediately kissed and hugged me, and I could hardly look in his eyes.  I avoided him as much as I could because I felt so uncomfortable, and went to work.  Throughout the day, I got some texts from him just asking how my day was going and that he loved me.

After work, I had to go straight to my little sister's high school dance performance and was able to stay distracted and really enjoy myself.  At 10:15, I walked into our apartment and C was standing right at the door.  He gave me a huge hug that lasted forever, and then asked me to sit down so he could read me something he wrote. He pulled out his journal and said "I feel like I had so many thoughts going through my mind that I needed to just get them out of my head and onto paper.  So, this is kinda like one of your 'blog posts' (too cute)".

He then started reading.  At first, most of it was about himself: why he shouldn't feel this pressure to travel the world and see everything when he is only 28 and he has his whole life ahead of him, how he should understand that work should not be the end all be all to his life, but more a creative outlet and of course a financial means for him to live his life the way he wants to.  And then he got to the good part:

         "I love D.  I see us getting married.  In fact, I see our wedding.  I see my groomsmen (he then listed them) and I see D's bridesmaids (listed them too :)) standing there watching us.  I see our outdoor wedding and can imagine our long honeymoon.  I see D becoming a high-powered, well-respected __________ (my job) and me becoming a successful ___________.  I see us having 2 kids and adopting 2 (uh, news for me, C!), living by the ocean, and being a really good dad.  In 6 to 7 years, I see us opening a wine/beer bar (we always talk about that but 7 years may be too soon financially, but of course I didn't say anything).  When we are in our 50's and the kids are all gone, D and I will run the bar 1/2 the year, and travel the other 1/2.  I see a good life in our future."

Something along those lines at least, from what I can remember.  You need to imagine how I looked hearing these words come out of his mouth, after what felt like forever waiting for him to in some way, commit to a future for us.  It was all I needed.  And the tears rapidly streaming down my face showed him that.  Sure, he has a "plan" for our lives that seems wonderful and a bit idealistic, most likely won't go exactly that way, but hey, he has a plan.  End of story.  I know he wants to spend his life with me.

I woke up this morning rejuvenated, excited, happy and in love.  The pressure has subsided and now we can just enjoy being together.  And when a ring does come along, when we are both ready for that next step, well then I know it will be forever.

I'm baaaaaaaack

Oh how I missed you so!  It's been about two weeks - which is ridiculously long to not keep in touch.  Sure, I love to bore you with the mundane details of my life approximately 4-5 times a week and I'm sure it was hard for you not to have that, but what was really hard for me was not having the time to sit and read your blogs!  I have definite withdrawal symptoms.  So I will quickly tell you about my trip and then I will try to get to all of your blogs through the weekend by the end of this year! HA!

Number one?  We had a fucking fantastic time.  This is quite surprising to both C and me because a) we were in 10-40 degrees weather the whole time and being an LA girl, that usually tends to suck, b) we were with his family for 10 DAYS STRAIGHT and as much as I like them, that worried both of us and c) there was SO MUCH EATING and hardly any moving around and normally?  I hate that.  But guess what?  This time? It was nice feeling like a lazy fat pig!

I won't bore you with too many details but I'll give you the highlights.

Last Monday, we flew into Denver and C and I immediately rented a car to drive two hours up into the Rocky Mountains to Beaver Creek (It's right next to Vail).  Let me just tell you, that as a kid I always wanted to spend some time in one of these cute little ski villages, where there are ice skating rinks and chocolate stores and Starbucks and good restaurants, and you could walk around and ski and then relax by the fire and then walk some more.  It was so perfect and beautiful and out of a movie.  We stayed in a condo there with his family for two nights, playing Trivial Pursuit and eating yummy food and watching good movies and laughing.  C also decided (on his own) that he wanted to take me out alone for dinner the second night, so he found this beautiful restaurant and we went on a date.  Very sweet if you ask me, considering he sees me all the goddamn time and his family very rarely.  I guess he just knew that he wouldn't be alone with me for the next 8 days and wanted to give me a "treat".

On Thursday of last week, C and I had a flight from Denver to Chicago, and what do ya know? They downsized the plane and we were left without a seat, along with 30 or more people.  I immediately went into panic mode, as I quite clearly remember Last December 29th, when C and I had to be put on standby for 8 hours, and only got out of Chicago the next morning at 6.  That, my friends, was HELL.  SO, I nicely spoke to some sweet man wearing a Santa tie, who totally hooked C and I up.  We got to fly first class to Sioux Falls (please, stop the chuckling.  I know, I know, a 1 hour flight, but it was something.  And Sioux Falls's airport?  One long hallway with a stuffed dog.)  and a couple hour layover and then off to Chicago.  SO we made it there only four hours past when we should have BUT we did manage to score two free roundtrip tickets to anywhere in the US except Alaska and Hawaii so I would say we made out well.

Oh, did I tell you that I also was feeling sick again?  I couldn't believe it, as I had just gotten over the WORST cold of my life a bit over a month ago, and then all of a sudden, I was sick again.  And flying.  This was not a good combination.

We woke up the next morning in Illinois to snow on the ground and a pretty sunny sky.  And so started our week of EATING.  Full-on breakfast every morning, and lunch 3 hours later, and of course a heavy hearty dinner.  Did I mind?  Not one bit.  I loved it.  C and I cooked for his whole family on the 23rd (that was 27 people - It felt like Dinner Impossible) and the other days I helped his mom out happily. When I say happily I truly mean it too, because if you would have tried to keep me inside for four straight days at C's parents' house last year or the year before I would have said NO WAY.  But this time, for whatever reason, I felt so comfortable and happy, and genuinely enjoyed their company - especially his mom (In fact, we had a long heart to heart about the "marriage" issue and she was so great about it).  I looked forward to talking to her, and getting her advice, and telling her stories.  It was so nice.  On the 2nd or 3rd day we were there, C looked at me and said this was the best Christmas home he's had in years because he could trust that I was having a good time and he didn't have to constantly check on me like he used to in the past.  This time, he could freely go down to the basement with his brother and dad and play darts or pool, and he knew I would be fine upstairs with the ladies and the kids.

And ohmigod the kids!  C's brother has two kids, a 4 year old boy and a little 8 month old girl.  The boy has always had this thing for me - when C and I see him for the first time in a long time, he tends to run right past him and jump into my arms.  I love that of course, but now that he is getting to a certain stage and has a new baby sister who gets TONS of attention, he had moments of devil-like behavior.  Which was not fun.  But the 8-month old!  So cute - what a sweet age!  And she was obsessed with her Uncle C and wow - to see him with a little baby girl got me teary-eyed at moments.

Other highlights?  We went to visit C's grandparents who are both in a nursing home, the grandfather for physical reasons and the grandma for dementia.  Even though it was sad to see them like that, they were both so sweet and fun and loving, and I just loved seeing the family interact and taking pictures of it.

Also, we spent the first Friday night with a few of C's friends and their wives for dinner at this great Italian restaurant.  It's always good to get together with them, because amazingly enough, I get along with all of the wives really well.  The not so fun part?  Being grilled about marriage after a couple of glasses of wine.  Haven't we had enough???  This last Wednesday, we went to one of the couples' condo, which we hadn't seen yet and they cooked dinner for us.  It was so great.  SUCH a cute house and great food and great music and obviously great wine (anyone else feel they have drank too much lately?) and good conversation and I just loved it.  So much fun. 

And finally Christmas morning.  With mimosas and Christmas music and thousands of presents under the tree, it just it so much fun for me.  And C and I made out pretty nice!  Although I didn't get EXACTLY what I wanted (this is kinda a joke because if C ever proposed to me Christmas morning in front of all of his family, I would be mortified), he did get me the perfume I wanted so badly, an adorable shirt, and a pair of beautiful earrings and a ring.  Not that kind but it was still beautiful.  His parents and family all got us great stuff too (including a new DVD player, gift cards to Marriot Hotels, Whole Foods, Trader Joes, Forever 21, Borders, etc. - they know me well!).

And so came Thursday morning, to quickly pack up and go home, but guess what?  DG got a ridiculous sinus infection!  So no matter how much medicine I took, and how much I tried to forget about it, that day of flying was honestly the most excrutiating thing I had ever gone through.  I mean, ridiculous.  My head was gonna EXPLODE!!!!!  At least I didn't focus on the fact that we were flying and whoops! I'm scared of flying but I actually wasn't at all and I think it cured my fear!

Lastly, C and I are doing really well.  There was hardly one argument the whole time, minus the marriage one after we got majorly grilled.  But other than that, we got along really well and I feel like we bonded even more if that's possible?  As far as the marriage and future talk?  We'll just have to see.  I will say I did get a little more insight as to why he's feeling the way he is, and a lot of it has nothing to do with me but with his job and the current state of his career-life.  So, we'll see.  If I'm happy now must I change it? 

Ugh

Last night I went out and completely let loose.  It was a loooong time coming and I so needed it. 

C is in San Diego this weekend for his annual "mancation".  You should have seen my living room at 9 am on Saturday. 12 guys, all with beers in hand, tossing back and forth a football (on the front yard) and giddy and excited like 5 year olds at Toys R Us.  Most are in relationships, yet you could tell that they were all counting down the days to just get away from it all, drink countless pints and eat whatever cheese and grease filled meal as they pleased without getting looks from their other halves.

I was excited for C and all of them.  I know he needs to get away with the guys, to remind him that he can still "go crazy" and I'll still be here for him without anger or jealousy. 

I've always been like this - not jealous, encouraging him to have boy's nights out, etc.  Some other girls may call me crazy as I have also been known in the past to completely be okay with him getting a lapdance on a bachelor party and actually paid for one myself at a strip club a couple of years back.  I guess it boils down to trust?  Who knows.  All I know is that when he went to Vegas with his good friends a  couple of years back, I told him he should enjoy himself and get a lapdance, and his friend's very religious girlfriend told him that he couldn't, under any circumstances get one.  Sure enough C told me that his friend ended up getting three but C didn't because he said knowing his girlfriend was condoning the idea made it not as exciting.  Works for me.

Anyway, COMPLETELY got off topic there.  So, when C was driving off on Saturday for his trip, I was secretly relieved, cause I needed a bit of a break.

Cause C and I?  We're not perfect.  We argue sometimes (mostly because I can be a very short-tempered bitch and I tend to nag and pick at little things) and we sometimes get annoyed with each other.  But lately?  We have had this strange energy between us because of one word: marriage. 

See, we're at an odd point in our relationship.  In February, we'll have been together for 4.5 years - a long time.  But we did meet young (at least for me, I was 22, he was 24) and we're behind our peers in say, suburban Illinois because we can't afford to have an amazing wedding and buy a house.  I want to get married, not just to get married, but to have that commitment between us.  C, on the other hand, is a bit more hesitant.  I've talked about this before, so please forgive me if you've heard it all, but C questions almost everything in his life, probably more than the average guy. 

On Friday night, things were going wonderfully between us.  We were at my brother-in-law's company party at this awesome warehouse in downtown LA, listening to music and sipping wine when the marriage talk came up.  Again.  Who knows how but for some reason, when things are going good, I have to go and mess it up by wanting to talk about this stuff.  C begins to tell me how much he loves me, but wonders why we have had to work so hard at our relationship to get where we are.  See, in his life, he hasn't experienced any divorce, and all of his family and friends who are married only show and talk about the good.  It's not like we girls who talk about the good stuff and the shit.  So C sees that we've gone through many ups but also many downs in the last 4 and a half years, and he wonders if that's what good marriages are based on.  I think the opposite.  I truly feel that if we've had to go through hurdles and obstacles that have only made us stronger and more "together", then  it shows that we can get through anything.  It's hard for him to see it that way.  Then he threw in that he also doesn't feel financially ready to make a huge purchase in a ring, and plan a wedding, etc.  I tell him that I feel like that's just an excuse because I don't need a HUGE ring or a HUGE wedding, that's not what I'm asking for.  He then tells me that he wants to get me the best cause that's what I deserve...

Well, as you can imagine, to hear that he STILL isn't sure fucking kills me.  Because if you guys could see the way he is with me and the way we are with eachother, you would think he had a ring sitting in his pocket right now.  He is so attentive and affectionate, and always wants to hug and touch me, and listens to my stories and my complaining and is supportive and gives me wonderful advice.  He is incredible with my family and friends, they all LOVE him. 

So why the hell does he STILL not know???  It baffles me.

I immediately went online and googled "boyfriend wont propose" and read a ton of sites about men who are afraid of commitment. Apparently this is common with guys who a) wonder if getting married means the end of boy's night's out, good sex, being spontaneous, having fun, etc. or b) are comfortable the way they are now (they live with their girlfriend and things are going great) and don't see the need to change things.  Sure, it could be those things but it could also be that he just doesn't want to marry me.

Of course after the party on Friday night, he felt incredibly guilty for hurting my feelings and getting heated and talking about the money thing, cause he knows that that shouldn't be any of my business. I hardly spoke, didn't want to fight so I felt not speaking was easier.  We laid in bed together, him holding on to me so hard it hurt.  And throughout the night, I woke up to him cuddling with me, nuzzling against me, rubbing my back.  We usually sleep on opposite sides of the bed. 

Saturday morning, he woke me up before he left by playing with my hair.  He had 10 guys in our living room but wanted to talk to me privately before he left.  For 15 minutes we sat on our bed, him telling me how sorry he is and how much he never wants to make me sad.  He tells me that he feels he's making progress, and maybe he should talk to my brother-in-law who is a clear example of someone who went through many ups and downs and hurdles in his relationship with my sister, but now is beyond happily married.  I tell him that I love him and I think sometimes in life you have to take a leap of faith.  Sometimes, you can't plan out your life's journey, you just have to go with how you feel.  I also tell him in a loving way that it isn't fair for me, and he needs to figure out how much time he will need until he'll know, and tell me.  So I won't just wait and wait.

Since he's been in San Diego, I've gotten a total of 9 phone calls and 14 text messages, many including the words "I love you" and "you better not be flirting with other guys"... things of that nature.  So obviously I'm confused and frustrated - that it can't just be easy for us like it seems it is with other couples.  The couples that just "know" and don't have doubts.  I read something online that said "you shouldn't marry someone that you want to live with, you should marry someone that you can't live without".  Plain and simple.  And I know I can't live without C.  Not now. 

Anyway,  C and I leave tomorrow for 10 days to visit his family.  I'm not looking forward to the cold but it should be nice being in the snow, drinking hot chocolate and eating a lot.  So I may or may not be able to update.  Either way, I already miss you and thank you in advance for your support and advice... it means the world to me.  Merry Christmas everyone!!!

XOXOXOXOX
DG

I don't wanna party!

This weekend is the bachelorette party for my best friend who's getting married next month.  I honestly can't believe that the time has flown so fast and it's already here.  Another friend walking down the aisle!  Although, to be honest, out of my girlfriends she's the 3rd to get married (and one was my sister).

I'm looking forward to the weekend but a part of me just wants to stay home, watch movies and drink wine with C.  Now that the weather is getting colder and the air is crisper (is that a word?), cuddling sounds so much better. 

Last night, C did the sweetest thing.  While I was at my girlfriend's birthday dinner, C went and did 3 loads of our laundry without me even prompting him to.  He also washed all of the sheets and made the bed beautifully so when I got home all of my clean clothes were folded and the sheets were warm and smelled like Downy heaven.  Isn't it just the simplest things that make us girls so happy???  I told you he's the best :)

Dinner was nice, although very strange to be at their house now that the husband had moved out.  All of their pictures were replaced with ones of her family and her friends, and the house had a strange empty feel even though there were eight of us girls there.  See, C and and I used to get together with that couple and others every Monday for our 24 nights, and most of the time we would be at their house.  Plus, they were always entertaining.  So there was something very familiar of coming in and hearing his voice and he would always have the music playing and in general, the vibe was very upbeat and fun.  Last night was very casual and mellow, and the poor girl couldn't figure out how to turn on her stereo for the life of her so it was just quiet.  Plus, every single one of her close friends are married, engaged or in a relationship.  Two are even pregnant and one just had a baby so I can't imagine she didn't feel a bit jealous at her own birthday table around us.  Even though I was more than happy to be there for her, I have to say I left a bit sad.  BUT, she loved the chocolate (I also added a bottle of wine so maybe that's why she was so happy!)...

Enjoy your weekends and think of me while you are relaxing, cause most likely I am taking a shot of some sort and putting down $50 on red. 

life goes on

I was better yesterday. Of course, after I wrote that post I was feeling down. But then I decided to keep myself busy and distracted. Sure enough, it worked. I had a bunch of things to do during the day and at night I taught an actor workshop (I teach about twice a month).

I got about 7 calls & texts from C throughout the day. "How are you" was one. "I love you" was another. "Go Cubs!" was the third. And so on and so forth. I knew he was trying to keep letting me know that I was on his mind. And so I felt better.

When I got home after the class, he was sitting on the couch with his arms open and his mouth pursed, like he was saying come here, give me a hug and a kiss. And I did.

And we talked about surface things, and watched My Boys and and old episode of Sex and the City, and he cuddled with me and was more affectionate than he has been in a long time. Was he overcompensating? Maybe.

He usually stays up later than me and tucks me in when I go to bed. Last night, instead of just giving me a kiss, he laid next to me and rubbed my back and talked and spent time with me. I slept really well.

Then I woke up. And I read the AMAZING comments that were left for me yesterday. And when I say amazing, I mean extraordinary. You were my therapists and my friends and I thank each and every one of you. And while at first I was touched, as I drove to the gym I started to think about the whole situation again and I started to get angry.

When I came home after my workout, C was getting ready for work. He hugged me and kissed me and immediately noticed. "What's wrong" he asked.

"Nothing", my standard answer.

He didn't buy it. So I stalled by telling him I'm still nervous about the job, and I'm rushed since I have to meet my mom and grandma soon. He listened and told me not to worry and continued to get ready.

As he was leaving, he looked at me with his beautiful eyes and said "I know you're having a hard time with this, you know, you and I". That's the thing about being with someone for so long. They know you better than you think.

So I told him that I didn't want to bring it up because I don't have the energy for more drama and I don't want to keep bringing the "issue" up over and over. And I told him that I feel awkward, and a little rejected, and I don't really know how to act around him - especially when he is being so lovey-dovey.

He then told me that he feels horrible for creating this "crisis" and he knows that it really hurt me, but he said that it really helped him. "I know I was having a bit of a mid-life or mid-relationship crisis. But talking about it with you really kind of got me in the right perspective about our relationship. I guess I have just been focusing on so much of the bad part of commitment rather than all of the wonderful things that we have."

And as happy as I was inside to hear it, I still looked at him with kind of dissaproving eyes and said "I'm happy it made you feel better cause I'm still feeling like shit." I know, I'm a bit of a bitch sometimes.

He bent down to me (I'm sitting at my desk) and put his hand on my cheek and looked in my eyes. "I love you so much D. Please know that". I told him that I do. And I know I do.

He just left for work. I feel a bit better, but honestly, I think I need a little time before its going to completely go away - that horrible Saturday night, when I had never felt more despair or any lower. But I'll heal, and I'll get over it, and hopefully, more than anything, I will be able to trust that C does love me, and eventually he'll come around.

Dear diary,

When I was young and had a diary (I called it a journal), I would write whatever was on my mind at the time, no matter how embarassing or innapropriate or wrong it was. I never ever felt judged by my journal. I also was constantly worried whether someone would find it and read it but thats a whole other story. The point is, if I had a crush on a boy, it would be in there. If I cheated on a test (it was once on a 5th grade science test) it was in there too.

So I'm gonna be honest with you here - because I know you guys wont judge me (or maybe you will but who cares)....

I don't think C wants to marry me.

That came out of nowhere, right? A little backstory?

When C and I started to date, the idea of "you are THE ONE" never came up in our conversations. It was only about 2 years into our relationship when I felt like he was starting to hint at marriage: "when we get married, it definitely is going to be outside" or "our son is playing sports!", just cute, stupid things like that.

At first I was freaked out by it because I think I had an element of commitment-phobia at the time. But as we started to get closer, and then move in together, and I really fell in love, things started to change for me. For both of us.

We started to openly talk about it. One evening this April, we had a nice wine buzz sitting outside on a patio of our favorite Greek restaurant and he said that we should look at rings, and ohmigod are we actually saying that we are going to get married??? And I was excited and thrilled, and for the first time in a long time I wasn't scared. That was a first.

Then, couples around us started to have meltdowns. I've written about it already but the idea that close couples to us who seemed so perfect were breaking up scared us. But scared him more.

And then we had a talk in June about how we felt. I told him that there was a part of me that worries that we could be that couple, that gets excited to get married because its the next step, and plans a wedding, and then weeks before the wedding looks at eachother and feels that they have to be honest that they dont love eachother anymore and the whole wedding is just a big mistake. We could also be the couple who gets married and then a week, a month, 5 years into it freaks out, meets someone else, and has an affair.

Sure we could be those couples, but we aren't - we're us. We're different. And because I'm being honest? I really, truly feel that we are different.

A couple of weeks after that we got into a big fight. And again it came out that he was scared. Scared of what? Commitment, marriage.

"Then maybe we need to break up", I told him in between sobs.

"NO. I can't lose you, D. I need you, I love you. It's just the pressure from everyone lately about getting married. All of a sudden, because we've been together for so long, everyone feels like they have a right to ask me why I haven't proposed and why arent we married. And it's freaking me out.!" he said.

And it's the truth - we have been getting TONS of pressure. From all of our coworkers, our family, and friends. I mean, it's not everyday when you see a couple who has been together for 4 years and aren't engaged. Although it does happen. My sister and her husband were together for 5 and a half years before he put a ring on her finger. And they couldn't be happier.

Of course after that "scare" of his, we ended up both crying, had amazing sex, and then we went to Vegas to get our minds off it. It couldn't have ended better and I thought we had gotten over the "hump".

These last few weeks have been very wedding-centered for me. My best friend is getting married in the end of October so I've been doing wedding stuff with her. I am OBSESSED with wedding rings and wedding dresses and wedding ceremonies. I NEVER used to be. I even remember C asking me a while back how come I wasn't the typical "girl" when it came to weddings. I have no idea why I wasn't, but lately, it's been ridiculous. I became a little obsessed. I would Tivo Whose Wedding Is It Anyway and all other wedding related shows. And I'm sure C noticed. And to be honest, I wanted him to. We were doing good, getting along, having fun, etc...

Saturday night we went to see a movie and then to dinner at this beautiful Italian restaurant in Beverly Hills. We had had a couple of glasses of wine. I went to the bathroom, and for whatever reason when I got back to the table I just blurted out "when are we getting married?". With a smile. Our entrees hadn't even arrived yet.

The rest of the night is a blur. He proceeded to tell me that he still gets scared and "don't you ever get scared? When we fight, or we disagree on things?" In between tears and yes, we were still at the restaurant, I told him that "no. I used to get scared but disagreeing and not being always completely in sync is natural and normal. Getting scared is too."

"How do you know we're right for eachother?", he asked.

"Because when I imagine my life without you I forget how to breathe."

We packed up our pastas and paid the check. I didn't have one bite.

On the drive home I started to sob. Uncontrollably and very unwanted. But all I could think was that if, after four years, he has started to get scared, how can we end up together. How can we be right for eachother?

When we got home I immediately went to the bedroom. He followed me. We sat on the bed, we cried, we talked.

"Maybe we shouldn't be together." I told him. I didn't mean it for a second.

"No. Don't give up on me yet. I love you, I'm just having a hard time. I havent talked to anyone about it, maybe we should talk to someone. I don't want to breakup, I don't want to go on a break, I DONT WANT TO LOSE YOU."

We cried, and cried, and fell asleep in eachothers arms.

Yesterday was awkward. I woke up before him, made some coffee and sat on the front porch. He came outside after a bit.

"I still love you, D. I love you more today than I ever have. I feel so much better that we talked about it."

But I don't.

I don't know what to do. I know C loves me, I really do. He is romantic and affectionate, and calls me 10 times a day. he is happy when I am, sad when I am, and more supportive than you can imagine.

But he is practical, and rational. And it takes him 1 month to decide on a new pair of shoes. And this is a bigger decision.

The question is, what do I do? I've never been the girl that needs to get married, and although I want to marry C, it still isn't something I'm counting down the days to. But, do I wait and wait and wait for him to get over his fears or ... do something more drastic.

And yes, I am crying as I type.

Sad. Actually disgustingly sad.

Let's see - how to start.  Let me first warn you all in relationships that this is NOT a FUN thing to talk about.

Ever since C and I have been together (almost 4 years) we have seen our share of relationships bloom, blossom, and sadly end around us.  I guess thats what happens as a couple - you make other "couple" friends.  Which can be great and all until something possibly happens to them and then it really just sucks.

But, in some cases it could be a good thing.

For example, when I first started dating C, he was living with his best friend - I'll call him roommate.  Roommate was dating a girl at the time - lets call her Christian L.  I was excited the first time I was going to meet Christian L because I liked Roommate and thought - "oh, how fun...we will ALL be friends!!''.  The first night we all hung out we went to a friend's party.  He had an outdoor dance floor, DJ, open bar, the works.  I was on my third glass of wine (what?) and Christian L came up to me. 

"Don't you think you're drinking too much?" she asked me.
"Um, excuse me, what and why are you asking me?" I replied.
"I just think you should be careful - girls look really bad when they are drunk".

I almost died.  I ran to C and was all "I don't care if you're bff with Roommate, I DON'T LIKE CHRISTIAN L!!! and I will NEVER be her friend!!". 

Well, the next morning I woke up and after a little persuading by C, I thought I was wrong the night before and I'd give her another chance.  Except when we woke up she wasn't there - she was in church.  That day and EVERY.OTHER.DAY.  (Disclaimer: I have nothing against Christian people but I do have something against religious people who feel it's their job to tell me how to live my life when please? I didn't ASK!).  The point of this story was that for another 3 years I had to see Christian L because Roommate and her were still together.  But when C and I moved in together, Roommate was left with the choice of moving in with Christian L which of course for her meant they would have to get engaged, or break up.  He chose the latter.  Oh yeah, Roommate is ATHEIST!

Okay, I totally sidetracked.  Well, that was an example of when it's a good thing when relationships break up.

The last couple of months have been pretty bad in that arena for us. 

Couple #1:  The first night I went out with C I met M&M.  That's right, both people in the relationship had names that started with M.  They were ADORABLE and lived in C's complex so we immediately became good friends.  They met and started dating in New Orleans (his dad hooked them up over a drive-through daiquiri stand - yeah, I wish I was kidding), he moved out here for work and she soon followed.  She is my age and would ALWAYS tell me how badly she wanted to get married.  Well, 6 years into their relationship he proposed - a very romantic proposal I might add.  She was ecstatic - they set the wedding date 18 months in advance, she immediately bought the $3000 (!!!) wedding dress, they secured the Malibu location.  In April I attended her way over the top bridal shower.  In May, I partied with her for her bachelorette.  The wedding was set for June 23rd of this year.

On June 2nd, all their guests received an email - "we have decided to call off our wedding".  3 WKS BEFORE THE DAY!  I took her out to lunch that following week armed with tons of kleenex and at a place where mimosa's came freely.  But what happened was not what I expected.  She was HAPPY and glowing.  I was pissed.  SO what happened?  She met another guy a month before while her fiance was gone on his bachelor party.  The girl that was SO IN LOVE and DYING to marry this guy fell victim to temptation and CALLED OFF HER wedding LIFE.

Couple #2: (I'm gonna try to keep this one as short as possible as to not give away too many details but I'm still in shock so bear with me.)  J&J (Holy shit!  Both couples have same first letters!!!)  J & J started dating when they were 17 years old - in high school.  They went to college together and moved out to Los Angeles together.  C works with him so we all started hanging out a few years ago.  In May, 2005 we flew up north for their beautiful wedding.  They moved into a gorgeous town home by the beach.  They're both almost 31 so they have been together for 13 years.  We spend tons of time with them.  We travel with them, go out to dinners, watch 24 together, etc. 

One month ago, my mom was out of town so C and I decided to house sit - the woman lives in a resort I tell ya.  It was my bday so I invited some friends over so we could grill, drink, listen to music, swim....
J & J came over (naturally) and everything was great until out of nowhere, they go into a bedroom and all we can hear is hysterical crying from her.  After about an hour, she asks me if we could talk.  We go into a room upstairs, close the door and immediately she loses it. 

"My husband's been having an affair for 1.5 years and he loves her and is leaving me!!!" She is BAWLING. 

I wont go into the rest of that night because my birthday turned into one of the saddest nights for a friend of mine.  Last night, some of us girls went out for dinner (including her).  To spare the details, 6 months after their wedding he went out with an actress that worked on the TV show that he and C work on.  One thing led to another and he was spending all of his free time with her.  He took her on two vacations, stayed with her in NY (she's there on Broadway), the worst possible shit ever.

The wife found out a year ago but kept on giving him more chances.  She didn't believe in divorce and wanted this marriage to work.  I understand that.  They went to counseling, and he would lead her to believe it was over and she would catch him again.  Before my party, she relay felt like it was over between them.  J&J just returned from a romantic trip in Thailand and she was feeling great about their relationship - how it "survived" the bump and they could now move on and start a family.  That night, she saw his phone where he had been texting the actress HO over and over how he was going to leave his wife and be with her.  And the wife just couldn't take it anymore.  So she made it public and he moved out the next day. 

So, of course everyone is sad and shocked but I am DISGUSTED. To fall out of love is one thing.  But to blatantly CHEAT???  And not even a one night stand but a relationship - with emotions???  And everywhere I  look now I see stories - like the Mayor of Los Angeles is leaving his 20 year relationship to be with his reporter girlfriend, and books I'm reading and story lines on TV shows.  This morning I woke up and I feel sick about it.  I guess there's always that fear of what if it happens to me?  What if I were ever to meet someone or worse, if C did.  Any thoughts?

The inevitable relationship post...

Alright, I know I kinda just started this blog last week and just expected you all to know all about me and my boyfriend C.  But I feel the need to explain our relationship and give you the background.

When I first moved back to LA after college, I started an internship with a woman who worked on a TV show.  My first day I remember walking around (so so nervous because HELLO!?  I was on a real TV set and working in a real production office!!!) and being introduced to the various people that worked there: writers, set dressers, wardrobe, producers, etc...  I immediately clicked with C who was the assistant production coordinator.  He was cute, shy, sweet, and I could tell that after a few days, the feeling was mutual.

BUT there was another girl in the picture.  The other girl was some chick that he grew up with and had a crush on throughout high school.  She never gave him the time of day.  It was a Friday night and a bunch of us from work were gonna go out for drinks.  He told me about her and that she was coming out.  No big deal for me of course, I had just met C the week before and we were still just friends (plus, the girl didn't like him like that).  I was smoking at the time (bad, BAD me!!) and told C I was going outside for a cig. when he said he wanted one too.  We were outside smoking, both obviously nervous and after a little small talk we kissed.  It was great (FYI C maybe had smoked 1 cigarette before that night and has not smoked 1 since.  That's how I know he was interested).  I walked inside on cloud 9 and the girl and I started to talk.  She randomly asks me what I think of C (I'm thinking because she knew about the kiss?).  I tell her hes a great guy and what does she say?  "Yeah, I think so too.  For some reason, I never realized it until tonight.  I'm going to tell him how I feel."

EXCUSE ME, HO-BAG???

I, of course being the smart, mature girl that I am did not reply this but screamed inside.  Anyway, trying to cut a long story, she did tell him and he was incredibly flattered and excited.  But then after the shock wore off, C became extremely confused.  For 1.5 months C simply could not decide.  One day he was sure  he would "choose" her and then the next it would be me.  Having to see him at work every day was HORRIBLE - I really liked him and of course all of this "playing hard to get" didn't help either. 

Well, after a few weeks he asked me to meet him at the same bar that we kissed at weeks earlier.  We sat at the bar over a couple of beers and he looked at me and said "I choose you".  Like that - straight out of the Meredith / McDreamy situation.  I know it sounds incredibly cheesy but I'll NEVER forget that moment, that day.  August 15, 2003.

We continued to date and work together - it was a bit tricky.  In my business your average day is 10-12 hours, so we would get home from a long day at work and be like, "How was your day?  Oh yeah, I know because I was there".  Luckily for us, I soon got a new job so we were able to "miss" eachother more.

Not that everything was easy.  I used to always date a bunch of guys.  C was my first serious boyfriend so I struggled a bit.  I would look for problems if things were too easy - I would pick on him for being too nice.  I would pick fights just to give myself some much-needed drama.  We almost broke up like 5 times in the first couple of years because of me.  C put up with most of it but after a while he started getting frustrated with my crazy relationship antics that I had to chill out.  The majority of our relationship (minus that) was AMAZING - we spent all of our free time together, went on vacations, ate out, spent time with friends, laughed, and loved eachother very very much.

In May of 2006 we decided it was time to move in together... so we did.  The first couple of months were SCARY.  I mean, I really freaked myself out wondering if I made the right decision.  Soon after we moved in, I went to Mexico for a bachelorette party.  The weekend was simply AMAZING.  We met a group of guys who were hot and had money and LOVED us.  They were buying us drinks and food, making us feel like queens.  When I got into C's car at the airport back in LA, the first thing he said was "I think we need to buy new sheets this week".  Crazy fun Mexico to that.  Then little things started to bother me.  Like, did he have to brush his teeth at the EXACT SAME TIME as me???  I immediately freaked out that I had really made a mistake moving in - like, I NEEDED to be single.

It took me 2-3 weeks to get back into reality.  I was living such a strange life during that time.  I was miserable.  I didn't know what I wanted - I knew I LOVED C so much but then there was always the other part of me that got scared.  C knew it and could feel the change.  One summer night we were just relaxing.  C poured us a couple of glasses of wine and we sat outside under the stars and talked. About us, about moving in, about our fears and reservations and about our love.  Turned out he was scared too but just hid it better from me.

The talk really changed things for us.  We became so much happier - our bond was strengthened and we started to have more fun with eachother and not take it SO SERIOUSLY.  Since that night, C and I have really enjoyed our relationship.  We know eachother so much better.  He and I even say that even though our 4 year anniversary is coming up, it really feels like we've only been dating for a year.  Which I think is nice.  It almost makes it like we are still in our "honeymoon" phase. 

Not like we haven't been getting the INSANE pressure from our family and friends about marriage.  But that's a whole other post :)