20 Something in LA LA land...

relationships

- My best friend is ecstatic in her relationship.  She got married last October and couldn't have waited one more second before she was able to say "my husband this or my husband that".  The day after Valentine's Day she called all of her friends to make sure we knew that her first V-day as a married couple was wonderful.  In almost every conversation that we have, she manages to slip in "aw, married life is great!"

- My other friend is taking another significant step in her relationship - she is moving in with her boyfriend of one year.  She vowed that she wouldn't move in with another boyfriend unless they were engaged, but alas, she didn't wait for the ring this time.  She is sure that he is right and I'm secretly hoping that he isn't.  I know her well, and I think she deserves much much better.  But it's all about learning through your own time and that is exactly what she needs to figure it out.

-I have another girlfriend who is 27 and a virgin.  She can't find a boyfriend for her life and believe me, she's tried everything - speed dating, online, being set up by friends, etc.  I feel so badly for her but the only advice I can giver her is to get wasted, have a (safe) one-night stand, and just get on with her life.  I truly feel that once the sex comes, the rest will too.

-My girfriend's divorced was just finalized on Saturday.  This is the girl who's husband was cheating on her for 1.5 years of their 2 year marriage.  No fun.  We had a little party for her Saturday night, complete with wine, food, and of course, lots and lots of lingerie to celebrate her new-found singleness.  She still broke out in tears a couple of times throughout the evening, but I have to say that she sure seems a lot happier these days.  I wish her all the luck in the world.

-My little 15 year old sister has been in a 3 month relationship with the guy of her dreams.  They were so cute, always together, supporting eachother, taking pictures together.  She emailed me this morning that he broke up with her yesterday and she is beyond devastated.  Ugh, I feel so badly for her.  Remember young love?  Could be so great and yet so so shitty.

I'm very happy to report that C and I are doing extremely well these days.  We're having fun, spending a lot of time together and with friends, and having a lot of sex.  Sorry if thats TMI but I'm telling you, it makes every relationship better.  The one thing that sucks is that C is still not working and it's sorta kinda freaking me out but I'm trying to stay calm because when you work freelance, this is your life.

I also want to tell you that I am HUGELY aware that I have sucked at the blogging thing as of late.  No posts, no comments, nada.  And I am sorry.  You guys know that sometimes life gets in the way.  SO if I'm only commenting on every other post of yours or sometimes every three posts, it doesn't reflect my lack of love for ya.  Believe me, that's still there :)

dreams and such

I know I've talked about my dreams here before.  I tend to have these crazy vivid dreams that sometimes, stay with me for days. 

Many of these dreams include other guys - or other girls for C.  Last weekend when C was home for a couple of days (did I mention that he was home?), I had this insane dream about me surprising him while he was on tour and I caught him totally flirting with some hot girl.  I went up to him, all excited to see him and to give him a huge hug, and he gave me a dirty look and walked away with her.  Yeah, the dream sucked, but in a roundabout way, I almost enjoy a dream like that so I can wake up and just be grateful for the relationship I do have with him.

I once read how cheating dreams can appear pretty frequently in even a good relationship and I totally believe it because have had a few dreams in the course of our relationship about other guys.  Some include ex's, for example, I would run into an ex and see him happily married or in a relationship and would be so heartbroken.  Others have been about guys who I don't even know but I would feel "crushes" for.  Some, I would even kiss.  Last night was a bit different. 

We were at some sort of beach resort - C, my sister, a few friends, and some guys (one, in particular, who resembled Riggins from Friday Night Lights).  C had gone to play golf with a couple of the guys (C HATES golf) and I stayed back at the pool.  So, Riggins and I were flirting, and drinking, and I'm enjoying myself, and next thing I know, he's kissing me.  I was initially happy, and then I remember pulling myself away and running.  I then was having a conversation with a girlfriend from high school who I know longer talk to, and telling her very calmly "of course it was exciting and fun.  But anything that even feels exciting and tempting now will just eventually end up in a comfortably, good place - which is exactly where I feel with C.  It's just not worth it.  I'm making that choice."

OK, so when did I become Dear Abby in my dreams?  I mean, I agree with myself when I said that - because I do feel like cheating is always a temptation for anyone in even the happiest of relationships - it then comes down to a decision that you have to make whether or not you want to actually go down that path.

The funny part here is that I feel insanely happy in my relationship right now - infidelity on his or my part is not an issue.  I actually notice that whenever I have dreams surrounding my relationship that are a bit tumultuous, it tends to happen when things are really good.  Anyone else notice the same?

Anyway, C did make it home for a couple of days - but poor thing, was ridiculously sick - with a high fever and horrible cold, and so Superbowl was spent on our couch with Chicken Noodle Soup - which honestly?  Fine with me because who needed the extra calories?  Oh, and he also made a point to pull out the business section of Sunday's paper where there was a huge article about how to pick out the right diamond and pack it into his suitcase when he left on Monday.  Um, I like that kind of reading material!

1 day

Thankfully, last night I FINALLY slept over 8 hours, although it was quite interrupted by the strange sounds... but at least I did sleep.  However, I would be seriously concerned with myself if I didn't considering yesterday was one of the BUSIEST days at work ever.

I woke up extremely early by C on the phone.  Please understand that it's an absolute miracle for C to be awake before me, but to be on the phone and alert before I've opened my eyes is out of this world.  Well, he was both so I decided to forego my extra hour and wake up.  Immediately, I was given assignments: get some advil in travel packs for him, another moisturizer, go to the bank, grocery store, etc.  Normally I would politely tell him to please do these things himself but I looked in his eyes and knew that he NEEDED help.  He was exhausted and stressed and a bit anxious about what this job has already done to him.  He started last Thursday and ever since then, his phone is CONSTANTLY ringing, the emails are constantly binging, and the sleep has been put on the backburner.  I really felt badly for him, so of course I ran his errands instead of going to the gym.

He and his crew were working out of my offices yesterday (same network) and it was crazy.  I was sitting at my desk and all I heard were people calling his name... over and over.  He wasn't kidding when he said this was stressful.  On top of that, my day at work yesterday was going to be INSANE... my partner and I had planned on it, and then we were going to teach a workshop afterwards.  I get a call at 10 am from her that she had been throwing up all night and couldn't get out of bed.  Of course I told her not to but what then transpired for the next 6 hours was HYSTERIA.  My phones were OUT OF CONTROL, and I was in 4 hours of casting all alone.  NUTS.  Somewhere in that craziness, C left to go to Tucson, and I left my crazy day and happily came home to sit on the couch and immerse myself in TV.

I spoke to C for a while last night and was grateful for at least that.  When he was in Europe last year for 3 weeks, I think the hardest part was that I couldn't talk to him every night before bed like we've done now for over 4 years.  But then I had my jealousy dream and now I'm a bit unsettled. 

I'm not a jealous girl.  If I act jealous, it's mostly to make light of a situation and honestly, I think it makes C feel sorta good.  I trust C more than a girlfriend should probably trust their boyfriend, but I just know that if he is anything, it's loyal.  I think he would break up with me before he cheated on me.  So normally, I wouldn't be worried. But yesterday I saw one of the women with whom he is working very closely on this project and is constantly calling and emailing him and vice-versa.  And she's adorable, and petite and blonde.  He loves the blondes!  Anyway, they are in such close contact everyday and I'm not naive, I know that when you are in stressful situations in other cities with someone day in and day out, things could happen.  I'm going to try to not let my mind go there but he's been gone one day and it already is.  The worst part is, I have no way of knowing what's really going on.  Ew.  Now I just feel sad and gross. 

Ugh

Last night I went out and completely let loose.  It was a loooong time coming and I so needed it. 

C is in San Diego this weekend for his annual "mancation".  You should have seen my living room at 9 am on Saturday. 12 guys, all with beers in hand, tossing back and forth a football (on the front yard) and giddy and excited like 5 year olds at Toys R Us.  Most are in relationships, yet you could tell that they were all counting down the days to just get away from it all, drink countless pints and eat whatever cheese and grease filled meal as they pleased without getting looks from their other halves.

I was excited for C and all of them.  I know he needs to get away with the guys, to remind him that he can still "go crazy" and I'll still be here for him without anger or jealousy. 

I've always been like this - not jealous, encouraging him to have boy's nights out, etc.  Some other girls may call me crazy as I have also been known in the past to completely be okay with him getting a lapdance on a bachelor party and actually paid for one myself at a strip club a couple of years back.  I guess it boils down to trust?  Who knows.  All I know is that when he went to Vegas with his good friends a  couple of years back, I told him he should enjoy himself and get a lapdance, and his friend's very religious girlfriend told him that he couldn't, under any circumstances get one.  Sure enough C told me that his friend ended up getting three but C didn't because he said knowing his girlfriend was condoning the idea made it not as exciting.  Works for me.

Anyway, COMPLETELY got off topic there.  So, when C was driving off on Saturday for his trip, I was secretly relieved, cause I needed a bit of a break.

Cause C and I?  We're not perfect.  We argue sometimes (mostly because I can be a very short-tempered bitch and I tend to nag and pick at little things) and we sometimes get annoyed with each other.  But lately?  We have had this strange energy between us because of one word: marriage. 

See, we're at an odd point in our relationship.  In February, we'll have been together for 4.5 years - a long time.  But we did meet young (at least for me, I was 22, he was 24) and we're behind our peers in say, suburban Illinois because we can't afford to have an amazing wedding and buy a house.  I want to get married, not just to get married, but to have that commitment between us.  C, on the other hand, is a bit more hesitant.  I've talked about this before, so please forgive me if you've heard it all, but C questions almost everything in his life, probably more than the average guy. 

On Friday night, things were going wonderfully between us.  We were at my brother-in-law's company party at this awesome warehouse in downtown LA, listening to music and sipping wine when the marriage talk came up.  Again.  Who knows how but for some reason, when things are going good, I have to go and mess it up by wanting to talk about this stuff.  C begins to tell me how much he loves me, but wonders why we have had to work so hard at our relationship to get where we are.  See, in his life, he hasn't experienced any divorce, and all of his family and friends who are married only show and talk about the good.  It's not like we girls who talk about the good stuff and the shit.  So C sees that we've gone through many ups but also many downs in the last 4 and a half years, and he wonders if that's what good marriages are based on.  I think the opposite.  I truly feel that if we've had to go through hurdles and obstacles that have only made us stronger and more "together", then  it shows that we can get through anything.  It's hard for him to see it that way.  Then he threw in that he also doesn't feel financially ready to make a huge purchase in a ring, and plan a wedding, etc.  I tell him that I feel like that's just an excuse because I don't need a HUGE ring or a HUGE wedding, that's not what I'm asking for.  He then tells me that he wants to get me the best cause that's what I deserve...

Well, as you can imagine, to hear that he STILL isn't sure fucking kills me.  Because if you guys could see the way he is with me and the way we are with eachother, you would think he had a ring sitting in his pocket right now.  He is so attentive and affectionate, and always wants to hug and touch me, and listens to my stories and my complaining and is supportive and gives me wonderful advice.  He is incredible with my family and friends, they all LOVE him. 

So why the hell does he STILL not know???  It baffles me.

I immediately went online and googled "boyfriend wont propose" and read a ton of sites about men who are afraid of commitment. Apparently this is common with guys who a) wonder if getting married means the end of boy's night's out, good sex, being spontaneous, having fun, etc. or b) are comfortable the way they are now (they live with their girlfriend and things are going great) and don't see the need to change things.  Sure, it could be those things but it could also be that he just doesn't want to marry me.

Of course after the party on Friday night, he felt incredibly guilty for hurting my feelings and getting heated and talking about the money thing, cause he knows that that shouldn't be any of my business. I hardly spoke, didn't want to fight so I felt not speaking was easier.  We laid in bed together, him holding on to me so hard it hurt.  And throughout the night, I woke up to him cuddling with me, nuzzling against me, rubbing my back.  We usually sleep on opposite sides of the bed. 

Saturday morning, he woke me up before he left by playing with my hair.  He had 10 guys in our living room but wanted to talk to me privately before he left.  For 15 minutes we sat on our bed, him telling me how sorry he is and how much he never wants to make me sad.  He tells me that he feels he's making progress, and maybe he should talk to my brother-in-law who is a clear example of someone who went through many ups and downs and hurdles in his relationship with my sister, but now is beyond happily married.  I tell him that I love him and I think sometimes in life you have to take a leap of faith.  Sometimes, you can't plan out your life's journey, you just have to go with how you feel.  I also tell him in a loving way that it isn't fair for me, and he needs to figure out how much time he will need until he'll know, and tell me.  So I won't just wait and wait.

Since he's been in San Diego, I've gotten a total of 9 phone calls and 14 text messages, many including the words "I love you" and "you better not be flirting with other guys"... things of that nature.  So obviously I'm confused and frustrated - that it can't just be easy for us like it seems it is with other couples.  The couples that just "know" and don't have doubts.  I read something online that said "you shouldn't marry someone that you want to live with, you should marry someone that you can't live without".  Plain and simple.  And I know I can't live without C.  Not now. 

Anyway,  C and I leave tomorrow for 10 days to visit his family.  I'm not looking forward to the cold but it should be nice being in the snow, drinking hot chocolate and eating a lot.  So I may or may not be able to update.  Either way, I already miss you and thank you in advance for your support and advice... it means the world to me.  Merry Christmas everyone!!!

XOXOXOXOX
DG

Over-thinking... what's a girl to do?

So my weekend was great in theory.  C and I went out for a nice dinner on Friday night, followed by a couple of drinks at a bar.  On Saturday, we went to the gym and met up with some friends for the USC-UCLA game.  At night, we went out to dinner again and spent a few hours at one of his good friend's girlfriend's birthday party.  Yesterday, I went to the gym and then spent most of the day at my mom's with my sister just chatting, before going to the grocery store and coming home to make dinner with C.  Sounds perfect, right?

Well, you see, it kinda was.  We went to great restaurants, had fun, saw friends, smiled, but for the most part, in the back of my head I was not allowing myself to live in the moment and enjoy it.  I was just simply thinking, thinking, and even more thinking.

I tend to do that about most things in my life.  I'll be smack in the middle of having a nice time, where a thought just swipes past my mind and immediately takes me in.  I start to overanalyze and question and almost obsess about whatever it is, and before I know it, I'm not enjoying myself anymore.

On Friday night, before dinner, C and I stopped into our local pub for a glass of wine.  We happened to sit at the bar right next to a friend of mine's ex-boyfriend, who was sitting alone for a bite to eat and a drink.  We started chatting with him, more so because I felt bad that he was sitting there alone, and before we knew it, he was going into a long story of why he and my friend broke up - and according to him, they became more like friends or brother and sister when they moved in together and so they eventually started liking other people while they were still together, etc etc...

So I was having a great time, Friday night with my boyfriend who was looking so cute, drinking a yummy glass of wine, and while hearing this story, I immediately started to wonder about this "friends" thing.  Thinking things like "are C and I like "friends"?" or "are we not in love"? Crazy thoughts.  The annoying part is that I KNOW that is not true.  But I start to almost mentally obsess and then stress in my mind, meanwhile forgetting why I was enjoying myself at all.  Basically, I am a mental hypochondriac - you think that's a real diagnosis? 

I do it with other things too.  C and I will be sitting watching a movie and all of a sudden, I feel a strange  bump or have a weird pain.  Since I am a bit of a physical hypochondriac, all of my attention goes to the pain and OMG I think I have cancer, and then I start to withdraw, and get distracted, and the next thing you know I am having an anxiety attack about dying young.  (OK, I don't always go that extreme, but that's to give you guys an idea how loony I can be...)

It happened again on Saturday.  First at the bar watching the football game.  We finally got a chance to meet C's best friend's new girlfriend who, by the way, is only 21 and he's 30 - a little bit of an age gap in my opinion - but she was pretty sweet for what we were able to see.  Either way, I saw the way they were together: kissy this, huggy that, baby this, looking into eachother's eyes, etc.  Instead of just understanding that OF COURSE they will act that way towards eachother because HI they JUST STARTED DATING, I immediately started to think why don't C and I ALWAYS act that way with eachother?  And then, throughout the rest of the day I found myself picking on C, almost trying to justify my thoughts.  Like, we left the bar and we were walking around town and it was FREEZING, and we didn't know what we felt like doing, and C had had a couple of beers and was being super indecisive about what we should do, so finally after 10 minutes of that I was like "screw it - lets just go home" and the whole drive home I got myself so mentally worked up - thinking "are we right for eachother" kinds of thoughts. 

And then on top of all of it is while I'm having these thoughts?  I want nothing to do with them.  It's like I am trying to push them out of my head because I know that I love C and I know that I want to be with him and I know that every relationship is different and have their own positives and negatives.  So it's like I have an angel and a devil on each of my shoulders sometimes.

Yesterday afternoon I made a conscious choice that I had to stop with the thoughts.  I have a very good thing with C, I am extremely lucky and those questions and thoughts were unfounded and pointless.  It's like if my life is drama-free, I have to find a way to create some.  For the first time for the whole weekend, I was able to just have a nice time enjoying eachother's company, cooking dinner and cuddling on the couch watching some TV.  Sometimes, I wish I was able to put my thoughts on STOP. 

I'm penis-ed out

The weekend ended up being great.  After a Friday night of watching Friday Night Lights on DVD (SO GOOOD!!!) here at home, I woke up bright and early on a rainy Saturday morning to do the drive down to the OC to meet up with the girls. 

From there we went in two cars (there were 8 of us) and drove to a nearby Indian casino/resort.  I had never been and was pleasantly surprised to see how not ghetto the place was.  Actually, it felt like a pretty descent Vegas hotel. 

While a couple of the girls were up in the room decorating with penises galore, the other 6 of us sat at the bar and, what else, started drinking.  Hey - it was already 1:30 pm!

7 of the 8 of us are in serious relationships.  Two are married and two are engaged.  The one single one is in a serious relationship with her career which she's very happy with so you can imagine how fast our conversations turned into relationship and sex talk.

If there is one thing I've learned from the weekend, it's how different some relationships are and how HAPPY I am that I am with my C.  Not that they were all bad.  But one of the girls?  Her stories about her boyfriend almost made me shudder.  They have only been  dating for 6 months and already are living together and, you guessed it, FIGHTING.  He's closed off and quiet when she wants to talk about their relationship.  He doesn't call her when he says he will.  He drunkenly mentioned that he wants to marry her a few weeks ago and has since retracted the statement over 10 times to make sure she doesn't get her hopes up because he doesn't actually ever want to get married.  My instinct?  The relationship is doomed.  But how do you tell a friend that when you see how much they are wanting it to work?  So instead, you end up giving her advice to make it work. 

I also loved this weekend cause it gave me the opportunity to reconnect with one of my great friends from college who I lost to her career.  She and I and the bride-to-be lived together in college for three years and shared the best and worst times together.  And when we graduated, both she and I moved back to LA and live 10 minutes from eachother.  But I started dating C and she was so deep in her career that she works days and nights for, and so we slowly stopped talking.  This weekend was the moment where, drunkenly, over the Wheel of Fortune slots, we hugged and told eachother that we couldn't do that again and NEEDED to keep in touch.  I hope that stays true.

Other than that, the weekend was filled with alcohol (not too much for me but the bachelorette?  Holy SHIT), food (piiiiiizzzzzaaaaaaa), and gambling.  Oh yeah, also a club on Saturday night where we danced our asses off.  Now THAT was fun - I hadn't done it in ages and there's nothing like dancing to the Shakira - Hips Don't Lie with a group of 8 girls.

So, all in all, the bachelorette party was a success but honestly?  The best part was coming home and cuddling with C while watching the incredibly depressing Bears game and eating dinner and just feeling happy to have him in my life. 

Feeling a little Wicked today

Why, you ask?  It's because I'm seeing the musical, Wicked today!  And I cannot wait.  It will be my second time seeing it - the first was in May when C took me as a Chrismakkah present.  I always liked the music but after I saw it, I fell in LOVE with it.  The stars of the LA performance are INCREDIBLE.  Sure, they aren't the original Kristin Chenowith and Idina Menzel but they are very very close.  I'm going with my mom, sister and grandma so that should be great - as long as my mom doesn't fall asleep or want to leave at intermission.  A few years ago my sister, my mom and I were in London and went to see Mamma Mia.  My mom was out like a light after 15 minutes.  Then, a couple of years ago my family went to see The Producers here in LA.  At intermission, my mom and stepdad were SO over it and left.  But I think Wicked will be different - it's fun and pretty and LOUD.  If you haven't seen it, I suggest you try next time its in your city.

And just to give an update on the C situation:  He has still remained more loving and sweet as ever, being very affectionate and kissy and huggy and foot massagey and all of that stuff.  I appreciate it and I find myself getting over the anger and resentment - which is needed for us to get over this.  I also keep remembering that C always had a hard time with making any big steps in our relationship.  It took him a while to even decide he wanted me to be his girlfriend 4 years ago.  And when I thought it would be a good idea for us to move in together, he was initially very hesitant and scared before he began to get excited about it.  So, maybe that's just the way he is.  Once again, I really appreciate all of your sweet comments and advice - it helps more than you know.

We leave for Chicago on Friday for the long weekend.  That is C's hometown - actually, a suburb north of Chicago.  I think the trip will be good for us.  We go to a Cubs game on Saturday which should be fun because they are doing so well and we're sitting in the bleachers with C's two best friends and their wives.  Supposedly, the bleachers is THE spot to sit to have fun at Wrigley.  I'm more concerned about what to wear to a baseball game in the middle of 90 plus degree weather with possible rain!

Anyway, I'm off to run errands... happy Wednesday!

life goes on

I was better yesterday. Of course, after I wrote that post I was feeling down. But then I decided to keep myself busy and distracted. Sure enough, it worked. I had a bunch of things to do during the day and at night I taught an actor workshop (I teach about twice a month).

I got about 7 calls & texts from C throughout the day. "How are you" was one. "I love you" was another. "Go Cubs!" was the third. And so on and so forth. I knew he was trying to keep letting me know that I was on his mind. And so I felt better.

When I got home after the class, he was sitting on the couch with his arms open and his mouth pursed, like he was saying come here, give me a hug and a kiss. And I did.

And we talked about surface things, and watched My Boys and and old episode of Sex and the City, and he cuddled with me and was more affectionate than he has been in a long time. Was he overcompensating? Maybe.

He usually stays up later than me and tucks me in when I go to bed. Last night, instead of just giving me a kiss, he laid next to me and rubbed my back and talked and spent time with me. I slept really well.

Then I woke up. And I read the AMAZING comments that were left for me yesterday. And when I say amazing, I mean extraordinary. You were my therapists and my friends and I thank each and every one of you. And while at first I was touched, as I drove to the gym I started to think about the whole situation again and I started to get angry.

When I came home after my workout, C was getting ready for work. He hugged me and kissed me and immediately noticed. "What's wrong" he asked.

"Nothing", my standard answer.

He didn't buy it. So I stalled by telling him I'm still nervous about the job, and I'm rushed since I have to meet my mom and grandma soon. He listened and told me not to worry and continued to get ready.

As he was leaving, he looked at me with his beautiful eyes and said "I know you're having a hard time with this, you know, you and I". That's the thing about being with someone for so long. They know you better than you think.

So I told him that I didn't want to bring it up because I don't have the energy for more drama and I don't want to keep bringing the "issue" up over and over. And I told him that I feel awkward, and a little rejected, and I don't really know how to act around him - especially when he is being so lovey-dovey.

He then told me that he feels horrible for creating this "crisis" and he knows that it really hurt me, but he said that it really helped him. "I know I was having a bit of a mid-life or mid-relationship crisis. But talking about it with you really kind of got me in the right perspective about our relationship. I guess I have just been focusing on so much of the bad part of commitment rather than all of the wonderful things that we have."

And as happy as I was inside to hear it, I still looked at him with kind of dissaproving eyes and said "I'm happy it made you feel better cause I'm still feeling like shit." I know, I'm a bit of a bitch sometimes.

He bent down to me (I'm sitting at my desk) and put his hand on my cheek and looked in my eyes. "I love you so much D. Please know that". I told him that I do. And I know I do.

He just left for work. I feel a bit better, but honestly, I think I need a little time before its going to completely go away - that horrible Saturday night, when I had never felt more despair or any lower. But I'll heal, and I'll get over it, and hopefully, more than anything, I will be able to trust that C does love me, and eventually he'll come around.

Dear diary,

When I was young and had a diary (I called it a journal), I would write whatever was on my mind at the time, no matter how embarassing or innapropriate or wrong it was. I never ever felt judged by my journal. I also was constantly worried whether someone would find it and read it but thats a whole other story. The point is, if I had a crush on a boy, it would be in there. If I cheated on a test (it was once on a 5th grade science test) it was in there too.

So I'm gonna be honest with you here - because I know you guys wont judge me (or maybe you will but who cares)....

I don't think C wants to marry me.

That came out of nowhere, right? A little backstory?

When C and I started to date, the idea of "you are THE ONE" never came up in our conversations. It was only about 2 years into our relationship when I felt like he was starting to hint at marriage: "when we get married, it definitely is going to be outside" or "our son is playing sports!", just cute, stupid things like that.

At first I was freaked out by it because I think I had an element of commitment-phobia at the time. But as we started to get closer, and then move in together, and I really fell in love, things started to change for me. For both of us.

We started to openly talk about it. One evening this April, we had a nice wine buzz sitting outside on a patio of our favorite Greek restaurant and he said that we should look at rings, and ohmigod are we actually saying that we are going to get married??? And I was excited and thrilled, and for the first time in a long time I wasn't scared. That was a first.

Then, couples around us started to have meltdowns. I've written about it already but the idea that close couples to us who seemed so perfect were breaking up scared us. But scared him more.

And then we had a talk in June about how we felt. I told him that there was a part of me that worries that we could be that couple, that gets excited to get married because its the next step, and plans a wedding, and then weeks before the wedding looks at eachother and feels that they have to be honest that they dont love eachother anymore and the whole wedding is just a big mistake. We could also be the couple who gets married and then a week, a month, 5 years into it freaks out, meets someone else, and has an affair.

Sure we could be those couples, but we aren't - we're us. We're different. And because I'm being honest? I really, truly feel that we are different.

A couple of weeks after that we got into a big fight. And again it came out that he was scared. Scared of what? Commitment, marriage.

"Then maybe we need to break up", I told him in between sobs.

"NO. I can't lose you, D. I need you, I love you. It's just the pressure from everyone lately about getting married. All of a sudden, because we've been together for so long, everyone feels like they have a right to ask me why I haven't proposed and why arent we married. And it's freaking me out.!" he said.

And it's the truth - we have been getting TONS of pressure. From all of our coworkers, our family, and friends. I mean, it's not everyday when you see a couple who has been together for 4 years and aren't engaged. Although it does happen. My sister and her husband were together for 5 and a half years before he put a ring on her finger. And they couldn't be happier.

Of course after that "scare" of his, we ended up both crying, had amazing sex, and then we went to Vegas to get our minds off it. It couldn't have ended better and I thought we had gotten over the "hump".

These last few weeks have been very wedding-centered for me. My best friend is getting married in the end of October so I've been doing wedding stuff with her. I am OBSESSED with wedding rings and wedding dresses and wedding ceremonies. I NEVER used to be. I even remember C asking me a while back how come I wasn't the typical "girl" when it came to weddings. I have no idea why I wasn't, but lately, it's been ridiculous. I became a little obsessed. I would Tivo Whose Wedding Is It Anyway and all other wedding related shows. And I'm sure C noticed. And to be honest, I wanted him to. We were doing good, getting along, having fun, etc...

Saturday night we went to see a movie and then to dinner at this beautiful Italian restaurant in Beverly Hills. We had had a couple of glasses of wine. I went to the bathroom, and for whatever reason when I got back to the table I just blurted out "when are we getting married?". With a smile. Our entrees hadn't even arrived yet.

The rest of the night is a blur. He proceeded to tell me that he still gets scared and "don't you ever get scared? When we fight, or we disagree on things?" In between tears and yes, we were still at the restaurant, I told him that "no. I used to get scared but disagreeing and not being always completely in sync is natural and normal. Getting scared is too."

"How do you know we're right for eachother?", he asked.

"Because when I imagine my life without you I forget how to breathe."

We packed up our pastas and paid the check. I didn't have one bite.

On the drive home I started to sob. Uncontrollably and very unwanted. But all I could think was that if, after four years, he has started to get scared, how can we end up together. How can we be right for eachother?

When we got home I immediately went to the bedroom. He followed me. We sat on the bed, we cried, we talked.

"Maybe we shouldn't be together." I told him. I didn't mean it for a second.

"No. Don't give up on me yet. I love you, I'm just having a hard time. I havent talked to anyone about it, maybe we should talk to someone. I don't want to breakup, I don't want to go on a break, I DONT WANT TO LOSE YOU."

We cried, and cried, and fell asleep in eachothers arms.

Yesterday was awkward. I woke up before him, made some coffee and sat on the front porch. He came outside after a bit.

"I still love you, D. I love you more today than I ever have. I feel so much better that we talked about it."

But I don't.

I don't know what to do. I know C loves me, I really do. He is romantic and affectionate, and calls me 10 times a day. he is happy when I am, sad when I am, and more supportive than you can imagine.

But he is practical, and rational. And it takes him 1 month to decide on a new pair of shoes. And this is a bigger decision.

The question is, what do I do? I've never been the girl that needs to get married, and although I want to marry C, it still isn't something I'm counting down the days to. But, do I wait and wait and wait for him to get over his fears or ... do something more drastic.

And yes, I am crying as I type.

What a weekend...

GUESS what I did this weekend? 

I went to VEGAS, baby!!!

How's that for spontaneous.  This was my weekend:

Friday night, C and I went to our friend's going-away party at a local Irish pub.  All of our friends were there which was great since lately I feel like we have been seeing everyone less and less.  I had a few drinks and NO food at all so even though the night was so much fun, by 12 I was ready to go.

Unfortunately, by 12 C was just getting started.  Some of his closest friends (you know, the single guys who I like but C LOVES and always treasures his time with them) just arrived and were buying him beers left and right.  At this point most of my girlfriends and the couples were gone.  So I was hungry, tired and not really into playing darts with C and his bros or whatever the hell they call themselves.  I gave C the "let's go home and eat and have sex and fall asleep" look and he gave me the "hell no I'm having fun" look.  WTF?  I immediately start getting angry because in my mind, I should be his number one priority and what boyfriend CHOOSES to hang with the guys over going home with his girlfriend???  (Yes, I know I became Mrs. mc-sensative).  The final straw was when I overheard him talking to his friend who's in a marriage with absolutely no love and the married guy goes "I DON'T envy you".  That was it.  I just got up and left.  No goodbye's - nothing.  Surprisingly, C followed and we got into a loud screaming fight in front of the Valet on Sunset Blvd.  EXACTLY what I want to be doing on my Friday night.

My car got there and C got in.  I keep telling him "just go, it's ok.  I'll be fine. Go have fun". He didn't but he looked  pissed. This turned into a huge thing as I ended up telling him "I don't think we're right for each other".  He told me he didn't want to talk about it because he was drunk.  The thing is, the SECOND I told him that I knew I was lying.  I just was feeling over dramatic and angry and humiliated so I said that.  And he knows me and he knows himself so he decided not to engage. We got home, I started to sob hysterically, he laid next to me and we fell asleep.   

The next morning I woke up sad.  He woke up after me and tried to pretend nothing had happened the night before.  He was incredibly cheerful and accommodating to me.  I couldn't let it go (don't you LOVE us girls?).  We then got into a long, draining, emotional conversation about us and where we are going and how we feel.

(Sidenote:  This could turn into the longest post ever so I will tell you the short of it.  C and I have had a very tumultuous relationship for the most part and only in the last year have we felt really solid and strong and in love.  So, of course, then marriage is next on the agenda.  I used to never feel ready and I don't think C did either until a few months ago when we started to talk about it and get really excited.  Then: BAM - three couples very close around us broke up - one is ending a long relationship, one called off the engagement and one is divorcing.  We couldn't help but get affected.  It made us start to question our own relationship - you know, to make sure that we still love each other and that we are right for each other and etc... Plus, I'm an over thinker and an over analyzer by nature and not working and having all the time in the world to do that has caused me to pick fights left and right.)

For the first time I felt a little doubt in C's eyes and I literally lost it.  I guess I never realized that he could have doubt.  I just always thought that I was the crazy one and I would always doubt every choice I made.  When he opened up to me I felt like my life was crumbling.  Literally.  He hugged me and told me he still loves me and wants to be with me but our fighting lately has freaked him out.  I told him that I was so sorry to pick fights and be so controlling and that I would really try hard to be supportive and not fight and try to be his mother.  He told me he would try to understand where I was coming from more and not do so many things that would lead to me getting angry.  After a lot of tears and seriously the BEST sex we've had in two years, we felt renewed and almost like we got out of a slump.

So what did we do?  We went to Vegas.  (And NO - we didn't get married)...

I was taking a shower and by the time I got out C had booked a room at the Paris and had put my suitcase on the bed.  I was jumping up and down and packed in 20 minutes (which hello? Is a MIRACLE in itself).  We got in the car at 1 pm and were in Vegas at 5. 

It ended up being a great weekend.  We gambled (roulette is SO much fun but only when you're drunk.  When you're sober you care too much when you lose), ate (um I seriously gained 7 pounds in 24 hours), drank (I don't know why but Vegas has the BEST bloody mary's around) and fell in love all over again.  Why?  Cause we just had fun.  No talks about our relationship - no other friends or phone calls to distract us.  Just us and each other.  And Wheel of Fortune slots.  Those machines rule.