20 Something in LA LA land...

Leaving on a jet plane

I have good news and bad news. 

First, the good news:  C got a few week gig!  It's very exciting because work is so scarce right now so we're both thrilled for him.  He's going to be following a very popular teen band around the country for the next few weeks to capture footage for the project.  It's different than anything he's ever done and it involves traveling, so I know he's really looking forward to it.  If not for anything then the experience and the contacts that he will make.  Plus, the money aint bad either.

And the bad news?  C will be traveling around the country for the next 3-4 weeks!!!  What the hell am I going to do for so long ALONE???  I know, I know, that sounded pretty dramatic.  I'm not really in the midst of depression over this... I'm just sad.  Happy for him, don't get me wrong... but sad to be without him for so long.  The following are some reasons for this:

1) I am a total baby when I am home alone overnight.  Every sound is magnified and I find myself being sure that someone is in my house.  I can try to distract myself, but sometimes I completely lose it in the middle of the night out of fear.

2) C and I spend A LOT of time together.  Yes, we both have our own individual lives, but we choose to spend most of our free time together - especially on the weekends.  Since it has been this way for 4 years, I don't have a huge circle of girlfriends to hang out with on any given weekend.  Even if I did, all of my girlfriends are in relationships and being a third wheel on a Saturday night doesn't always excite me too much.

3) I love my boyfriend - excuse me for not wanting him to go!

Last time C went out of town for an extended amount of time was last April.  He had 4 weeks off work, and I was right in the middle of my busiest time, so he took 3 weeks to visit friends of his in Europe.  I was horrible in the weeks leading up to his departure.  I picked on him, fought with him, got emotional and cried much more than I'm proud of, and was all around a nervous wreck.  I was scared to be alone, but most of all, I was angry with him that he was leaving me for 3 weeks, to go to Europe -  a place where I wanted to go with him.  It ended up being fine, other than a couple of nights at the beginning being pretty lonely and scared.  It actually forced me to be a bit more independent, and I rekindled some of my friendships with girlfriends whom I hadn't caught up with in some time. 

I look back at the way I acted before he left on his vacation last year and honestly, I'm a bit disappointed in myself.  I acted extremely immaturely and selfishly, and I vowed to not act that way this time (according to him, it was sweet up until a point and then just became obnoxious.  I don't blame him.).  Plus, I know that he's traveling for work, not for play (although believe me, he is traveling with the kind of band that NO DOUBT he will have fun... don't worry, you guys know this band).  He also is going for a week starting tomorrow and he'll be back on Saturday for a couple of days, and then again gone for 10 days, and back... and possibly more.  And his schedule currently has him coming home for Valentine's Day so a girl can hope...

BUT... I need your guys' help for the next couple of weeks!  Keep me company - I wouldn't hate to get some extra comments, emails or texts to let me know you're thinking about little ol' poor DG, all by her sad, sad self.  Just kidding, I'm not that pathetic. 

Growing apart.

This morning has just been off.  It started when I set my alarm for a pretty early time (even though I was out late last night) to make it to a Spinning class taught by my favorite instructor.  Upon arriving at the gym, I saw the spin room empty, and after taking a look at the schedule, realized that the class is no longer since the New Year.  Good one D - next time, look online BEFORE you wake yourself up at an ungodly hour.  I still ended up doing 50 minutes on the treadmill so I did get some cardio in.

At home, while I was getting ready for work, my stomach started to hurt.  Cut to 45 minutes later, when I am basically doubled over in the bathroom hoping the stomach cramps go away.  No, not nausea, just "I feel like I have to go to the bathroom but can't" pains.  NOT FUN.  I still am not pain free hours later but I'm hoping for the best?

The weekend was a bit crazy - too much drinking, too much food, and not enough sleep.  Friday night was a fun dinner, followed by a great Irish pub.  Our friends that were in town were staying by the beach, and even though that's a bit of a drive for C and I, of course we went to them.  We have been really looking forward to seeing them, and it's rare that there is a couple that the guys get along as well as the women, so we definitely don't take it for granted.

They had invited us to join them for dinner on Saturday night at the most expensive steakhouse in LA, but due to the strike, C and I felt like it would be too much for us.  So we met them at the beach during the day on Saturday, and had plans to meet them after dinner when we would all go out in our neighborhood.  The wife had just come down with a cold and was absolutely silent for the few hours we were with them.  C was having a blas, tossing the football and playing around with the guys.  But I was just sitting there.  I started to get a very strange feeling about my relationship with the girl and how I felt it had changed.

A bit of a backstory: The couple are from the East Coast, but moved to LA a while back for one year for his job.  We immediately became friends.  She and I were very close for a while there - we had the same interests, and gossiped aand had fun.  Sure, she was a little less outgoing and "fun" as I am - she tended to be more quiet, didn't really drink, didn't love to go out, but we still totally got along.  And C and her husband immediately became really close so it worked.

When they moved back to LA, we would talk on the phone almost every weekend and IM.  The truth was we all missed eachother.  In May of '07, we went to NY and stayed with them for the weekend.  It was mostly a great weekend, a lot of fun was had, but I sensed a tiny bit of shift in my relationship with the girl.  It wasn't as easy for us to talk about whatever - it just felt a bit more forced if that makes sense.

However, we still all kept in touch, albeit a bit less, and we knew that they were coming this weekend and were really excited.  So, the first night, when we were all together and having fun, everything felt back to normal.  But that Saturday when we were at the beach, I felt like she was being incredibly distant.  I just figured she was feeling a bit under the weather, and that night she'd be back to normal.

We knew they were having a late dinner, so C and I also did.  We still hadn't heard from them when our dinner ended, so we went to our neighborhood bar to keep ourselves occupied (after some sake at dinner, I knew I would fall asleep if we went home and waited).  At 11, we texted them trying to figure out what the deal was.  We only heard back at midnight (the restaurant only seated them at 10), and even though he wanted to go out,  she didn't - so we never saw them that night.  I couldn't help it, but I was annoyed.  We had gone out and stayed out late just so that we would see them, and it was all for nothing (not that C and I had a bad time - we actually had a lot of fun)!

The next morning, they called us and of course, invited us to go once again to the beach.  I had talked to my sister and had made plans to go to her house with C so we told them that maybe we would all meet up for dinner later.  Sure enough, later that day they called us, said they were going out with some friends where else? At the beach.  They invited us to join but that was already way too much driving for us and we were exhausted so we politely declined and told them we would see them on Monday night.

Yesterday, while I was working one of the craziest days at work, C biked ALL the way to the beach (17 miles! He officially is INSANE) to hang with them.  After work, I drove to the South Bay (45 minutes) to our friend's house where we were all having dinner.  The food was great, most of the company was great, but towards the end of the evening I realized that the wife and I had hardly uttered a word all night.  She was being completely anti-social, quiet, bitter, and wasn't making a bit of effort to talk to me.  At the end of the night, I told them that since I only had to be at work at noon today, why don't they drive into our area and meet C and I for breakfast since they're leaving on a redeye tonight.  The husband immediately was all over it, he was all "sure, yeah, that sounds great" and then he looked over at his wife - who was giving him such a look.  Immediately, he said "oh but we had made plans to go eat at ________ (whatever restaurant they mentioned that was oh, you guessed it, AT THE BEACH)".  And that was that.  I couldn't believe what I had just saw.  Five minutes later, we were saying a very awkward goodbye, because who knows when we'll see eachother again, and C and I drove home.

I was in shock.  They have been here for 5 days, three of the days C and I have gone well out of our way to see them, and they couldn't go out of their way for one hour to see us?  The crazy thing is that the husband would totally have joined us, but she very quickly ended that plan.  And the worst part?  She didn't even try to make an excuse - no "I'm sorry, but I hope you understand. __________ restaurant is my FAVE and I've been looking forward to it" or "don't be mad at me, k?  I still love you!".  NOTHING. 

The drive home was incredibly depressing for me.  C tried to make me feel better - he thinks that there must be something going on with her for her to act so cold and distant.  I don't know.  I do know that I haven't changed, nor have I done anything that would anger her.  But I can't help feel like this weekend was the beginning of the end of a friendship.  Thoughts?

Ugh

Last night I went out and completely let loose.  It was a loooong time coming and I so needed it. 

C is in San Diego this weekend for his annual "mancation".  You should have seen my living room at 9 am on Saturday. 12 guys, all with beers in hand, tossing back and forth a football (on the front yard) and giddy and excited like 5 year olds at Toys R Us.  Most are in relationships, yet you could tell that they were all counting down the days to just get away from it all, drink countless pints and eat whatever cheese and grease filled meal as they pleased without getting looks from their other halves.

I was excited for C and all of them.  I know he needs to get away with the guys, to remind him that he can still "go crazy" and I'll still be here for him without anger or jealousy. 

I've always been like this - not jealous, encouraging him to have boy's nights out, etc.  Some other girls may call me crazy as I have also been known in the past to completely be okay with him getting a lapdance on a bachelor party and actually paid for one myself at a strip club a couple of years back.  I guess it boils down to trust?  Who knows.  All I know is that when he went to Vegas with his good friends a  couple of years back, I told him he should enjoy himself and get a lapdance, and his friend's very religious girlfriend told him that he couldn't, under any circumstances get one.  Sure enough C told me that his friend ended up getting three but C didn't because he said knowing his girlfriend was condoning the idea made it not as exciting.  Works for me.

Anyway, COMPLETELY got off topic there.  So, when C was driving off on Saturday for his trip, I was secretly relieved, cause I needed a bit of a break.

Cause C and I?  We're not perfect.  We argue sometimes (mostly because I can be a very short-tempered bitch and I tend to nag and pick at little things) and we sometimes get annoyed with each other.  But lately?  We have had this strange energy between us because of one word: marriage. 

See, we're at an odd point in our relationship.  In February, we'll have been together for 4.5 years - a long time.  But we did meet young (at least for me, I was 22, he was 24) and we're behind our peers in say, suburban Illinois because we can't afford to have an amazing wedding and buy a house.  I want to get married, not just to get married, but to have that commitment between us.  C, on the other hand, is a bit more hesitant.  I've talked about this before, so please forgive me if you've heard it all, but C questions almost everything in his life, probably more than the average guy. 

On Friday night, things were going wonderfully between us.  We were at my brother-in-law's company party at this awesome warehouse in downtown LA, listening to music and sipping wine when the marriage talk came up.  Again.  Who knows how but for some reason, when things are going good, I have to go and mess it up by wanting to talk about this stuff.  C begins to tell me how much he loves me, but wonders why we have had to work so hard at our relationship to get where we are.  See, in his life, he hasn't experienced any divorce, and all of his family and friends who are married only show and talk about the good.  It's not like we girls who talk about the good stuff and the shit.  So C sees that we've gone through many ups but also many downs in the last 4 and a half years, and he wonders if that's what good marriages are based on.  I think the opposite.  I truly feel that if we've had to go through hurdles and obstacles that have only made us stronger and more "together", then  it shows that we can get through anything.  It's hard for him to see it that way.  Then he threw in that he also doesn't feel financially ready to make a huge purchase in a ring, and plan a wedding, etc.  I tell him that I feel like that's just an excuse because I don't need a HUGE ring or a HUGE wedding, that's not what I'm asking for.  He then tells me that he wants to get me the best cause that's what I deserve...

Well, as you can imagine, to hear that he STILL isn't sure fucking kills me.  Because if you guys could see the way he is with me and the way we are with eachother, you would think he had a ring sitting in his pocket right now.  He is so attentive and affectionate, and always wants to hug and touch me, and listens to my stories and my complaining and is supportive and gives me wonderful advice.  He is incredible with my family and friends, they all LOVE him. 

So why the hell does he STILL not know???  It baffles me.

I immediately went online and googled "boyfriend wont propose" and read a ton of sites about men who are afraid of commitment. Apparently this is common with guys who a) wonder if getting married means the end of boy's night's out, good sex, being spontaneous, having fun, etc. or b) are comfortable the way they are now (they live with their girlfriend and things are going great) and don't see the need to change things.  Sure, it could be those things but it could also be that he just doesn't want to marry me.

Of course after the party on Friday night, he felt incredibly guilty for hurting my feelings and getting heated and talking about the money thing, cause he knows that that shouldn't be any of my business. I hardly spoke, didn't want to fight so I felt not speaking was easier.  We laid in bed together, him holding on to me so hard it hurt.  And throughout the night, I woke up to him cuddling with me, nuzzling against me, rubbing my back.  We usually sleep on opposite sides of the bed. 

Saturday morning, he woke me up before he left by playing with my hair.  He had 10 guys in our living room but wanted to talk to me privately before he left.  For 15 minutes we sat on our bed, him telling me how sorry he is and how much he never wants to make me sad.  He tells me that he feels he's making progress, and maybe he should talk to my brother-in-law who is a clear example of someone who went through many ups and downs and hurdles in his relationship with my sister, but now is beyond happily married.  I tell him that I love him and I think sometimes in life you have to take a leap of faith.  Sometimes, you can't plan out your life's journey, you just have to go with how you feel.  I also tell him in a loving way that it isn't fair for me, and he needs to figure out how much time he will need until he'll know, and tell me.  So I won't just wait and wait.

Since he's been in San Diego, I've gotten a total of 9 phone calls and 14 text messages, many including the words "I love you" and "you better not be flirting with other guys"... things of that nature.  So obviously I'm confused and frustrated - that it can't just be easy for us like it seems it is with other couples.  The couples that just "know" and don't have doubts.  I read something online that said "you shouldn't marry someone that you want to live with, you should marry someone that you can't live without".  Plain and simple.  And I know I can't live without C.  Not now. 

Anyway,  C and I leave tomorrow for 10 days to visit his family.  I'm not looking forward to the cold but it should be nice being in the snow, drinking hot chocolate and eating a lot.  So I may or may not be able to update.  Either way, I already miss you and thank you in advance for your support and advice... it means the world to me.  Merry Christmas everyone!!!

XOXOXOXOX
DG

Dig me out of the hole please???

I have a headache.

It could be from a: going out last night and drinking wine, a margarita and a couple of beers in the span of 4 hours, b: not sleeping well enough or c: I feel like my life is falling apart.

I'm thinking it's definitely a three-way tie.

I'll start with how my life is falling apart.

As you all know, the writer's are still on strike.  My employment has been a bit up in the air since that Monday two weeks ago, but I remained positive.  We heard from sources above us that they wanted to keep us on as long as possible, which would have been a blessing, and therefore, I kinda pretended like everything was going to be alright.  I should have known better.

First, C was given his last day - November 30th.  It freaked us both out because lately, he's been the "breadwinner" and "caretaker" and money has been flowing pretty well to be honest.  However, he is really the practical, rational one and kept on saying "it will all be okay.  We'll be okay."

Then came this last Friday.  We knew we would hear on Friday whether or not our deal would be extended, since we wouldn't be coming in on Monday if we weren't gonna be paid for it.  Friday morning, my partner and I get a very promising phone call from a higher-up saying that they 99% would keep us on.   So we smiled, and breathed a sigh of relief, and went on about our day.

4 pm comes around and we get another call.  This time, the news wasn't so pleasant.  We were being "let go" to "enjoy" the holidays and they would bring us back in the beginning of January to resume our jobs.  The reason I actually understand.  The strike could be very long, and most likely, won't be resolved until the beginning of next year anyway, so our services wouldn't be needed anyway until closer to the end of the strike. 

Understand?  Sure.  Pissed and sad and worried?  Definitely.

C and I went to a movie and tried to take our minds off of it.  It worked temporarily but what really made me sleep well was seeing the news that the two sides agreed to at least meet and negotiate on November 26.  Hey, it's progress.

Yesterday was a great day considering.  We started it off by going to a spinning class TOGETHER - yes, you read that correctly, I got C to go with me and he LOVED it.  Then an afternoon softball game and a friend's party at a local bar last night.

Which brings me to my meltdown this morning.  I woke up hungover which is NEVER a good start to a Sunday and went to check my email.  I received an email from my car insurance which basically said that it charged me some exorbitant amount of money (which I assume am SURE is wrong because who gets charged $649.46 for ONE month of car insurance???) but I can't do anything about it because it's Monday.  Then I went to check my bank statement and took a hard look and what I have, what I need to pay in the coming weeks, etc...

And then it hit me like a ton of bricks.

Tears started streaming, breathing became shallow.

I feel like I am in a hole that I can't get out of. 

Not sure if you remember but I was unemployed for a bit over four months this summer waiting for this current job opportunity to open up for me.  Therefore, for a lot of 2007, I was not making a salary. I was handling it ok, budgeting myself in a way that I would be alright considering my salary would be constant once the job started. 

But now I'm back to no salary.  But there is still my car payment and car insurance and health insurance and phone bills and cable bills and electricity bills and gym payments and RENT, and yes, every 5 weeks I have to get my hair touched up and hello? I also have to EAT.  SO really, I am royally fucked.

I feel better now, a couple of hours after the meltdown.  I spoke to my sister who always gives me good advice and offers monetary help should I need it.  C always helps me by being supportive and hugging me and telling me we will be ok.  He always tells me how we will one day be rich and successful and look back at "that time in our 20's where we had no money at all and thought we could be homeless etc" and laugh and slap our knees.  When will that time come?

See, I know that one day, all will be okay.  I just feel like as the years go on, financially I should be better and better, not worse. So in that aspect, I can't help but take it a little personally and feel like a slight failure.

My headache did go away though.  It's the small successes too.

Our sweet little Molly

Wow.  It's interesting the way your day can change from 8 am to 8 pm.

Yesterday morning, I had received the news that I got the job that I have been wanting pretty much all summer.  I finally felt relief and excitement, and even pride that at my age I had made it this far.

That's when I got the call from my mom saying she felt that after 15 and a half years, it was time for our sweet Molly to leave us.

Molly was our Belgian Shepard.  We had gotten her 15 years ago, when she was only 11 weeks old.  I remember driving to the Culver City area with the whole family on the way to the breeders.  My sister and I were told we could name her.  Since we were obsessed with Days of Our Lives at the time and our favorite character was Molly, the name seemed fitting.

She was black sweet cuddly love of a dog.  She always had a ton of energy, sometimes too much where she would nip other dogs and even some human butts.  We tried training but to no avail.  Molly was just Molly, with her quirks and her spastic energy.  No matter what, she always was loving.

We had three dogs at the time.  Mikey, Molly, and Mandy.  Mikey was adorable as well, a loving Golden Retriever.  Mandy was a rescue dog, a French hound, who was not so nice and sweet, and poor Molly got the brunt of it.  Over time, we had to let bot Mikey and Mandy go to doggy heaven - Mikey got incredibly sick and Mandy also got very arthritic and was in pain.  That meant Molly got all the love!  And what kind of love - more than any dog I know.

My mom loved Molly many times more than she loved anyone else.  She would be fed only the best human meals, with different meats that my mom would cook for her before she would cook dinner for her husband.  It was so cute, my mom and Molly, how they would be attached to eachother, literally never going into one room without the other one following behind. Although I have to say Molly was usually following.

The last couple of years have been hard for Molly.  She always had bad hips and bones, but in her years of age she started to really show difficulty.  On top of that, my mom moved twice due to remodeling and a fire in the last year and a half which no doubt was stressful for Molly.  But she had still been managing, although it was difficult.

These last couple of days have been really difficult for my mom and Molly.  She couldn't go on long walks, because in the middle of them she would just fall to the ground - without any energy to keep walking, her poor muscles couldn't handle it.  She would drag her back legs and walk with such a limp.  My mom would put down her food and she would have a hard time even getting to the food, and when she was eating she would have to do it almost laying down.

My mom has always been a wonderful mother - that's why she knew that yesterday should be Molly's last day.  I went to her house and was there with some other family and friends - my mom called it her support circle. For a few hours we talked about Molly, pet her, hugged her, loved her.  My mom fed her a filet mignon - her first - as a "last meal".  The veterinarian came to the house - thank God for that - talked to us for a bit, and my mom finally made the decision that she was ready. 

Molly was calm, as it was done in our living room with her family there to hug and love her.  She was put to a deep sleep when we left the room for the procedure to actually be done. 

Yesterday was probably one of the hardest days in my life.  I loved Molly so much, and really bonded with her in the last two years.  But more than that, I know how much my mom loved her, and to see my strong mother break down the way she did yesterday, over and over, about how she was losing her best friend, was one of the more difficult things for me.  I had to take my sadness for Molly out and be strong for my mom.  She felt so helpless and sad, and looked at me in my eyes over and over needing some justification for the way she felt.  But we knew that this was the right thing, so that our sweet Molly could die with dignity.

The sadness really hit me last night - C and I went to dinner and it was all I could think about.  When I got home I went into my room and broke down.  I needed to really cry - I had been holding most of it in all day. I couldn't sleep last night, her image just kept popping up in my mind.

But I feel better today, and so does my mom.  We know that Molly is in a better place with no pain, and filet mignon for every meal. And she knows that we loved her so much, and only made the decision out of love.

R.I.P. Molly. I love you.

Dear diary,

When I was young and had a diary (I called it a journal), I would write whatever was on my mind at the time, no matter how embarassing or innapropriate or wrong it was. I never ever felt judged by my journal. I also was constantly worried whether someone would find it and read it but thats a whole other story. The point is, if I had a crush on a boy, it would be in there. If I cheated on a test (it was once on a 5th grade science test) it was in there too.

So I'm gonna be honest with you here - because I know you guys wont judge me (or maybe you will but who cares)....

I don't think C wants to marry me.

That came out of nowhere, right? A little backstory?

When C and I started to date, the idea of "you are THE ONE" never came up in our conversations. It was only about 2 years into our relationship when I felt like he was starting to hint at marriage: "when we get married, it definitely is going to be outside" or "our son is playing sports!", just cute, stupid things like that.

At first I was freaked out by it because I think I had an element of commitment-phobia at the time. But as we started to get closer, and then move in together, and I really fell in love, things started to change for me. For both of us.

We started to openly talk about it. One evening this April, we had a nice wine buzz sitting outside on a patio of our favorite Greek restaurant and he said that we should look at rings, and ohmigod are we actually saying that we are going to get married??? And I was excited and thrilled, and for the first time in a long time I wasn't scared. That was a first.

Then, couples around us started to have meltdowns. I've written about it already but the idea that close couples to us who seemed so perfect were breaking up scared us. But scared him more.

And then we had a talk in June about how we felt. I told him that there was a part of me that worries that we could be that couple, that gets excited to get married because its the next step, and plans a wedding, and then weeks before the wedding looks at eachother and feels that they have to be honest that they dont love eachother anymore and the whole wedding is just a big mistake. We could also be the couple who gets married and then a week, a month, 5 years into it freaks out, meets someone else, and has an affair.

Sure we could be those couples, but we aren't - we're us. We're different. And because I'm being honest? I really, truly feel that we are different.

A couple of weeks after that we got into a big fight. And again it came out that he was scared. Scared of what? Commitment, marriage.

"Then maybe we need to break up", I told him in between sobs.

"NO. I can't lose you, D. I need you, I love you. It's just the pressure from everyone lately about getting married. All of a sudden, because we've been together for so long, everyone feels like they have a right to ask me why I haven't proposed and why arent we married. And it's freaking me out.!" he said.

And it's the truth - we have been getting TONS of pressure. From all of our coworkers, our family, and friends. I mean, it's not everyday when you see a couple who has been together for 4 years and aren't engaged. Although it does happen. My sister and her husband were together for 5 and a half years before he put a ring on her finger. And they couldn't be happier.

Of course after that "scare" of his, we ended up both crying, had amazing sex, and then we went to Vegas to get our minds off it. It couldn't have ended better and I thought we had gotten over the "hump".

These last few weeks have been very wedding-centered for me. My best friend is getting married in the end of October so I've been doing wedding stuff with her. I am OBSESSED with wedding rings and wedding dresses and wedding ceremonies. I NEVER used to be. I even remember C asking me a while back how come I wasn't the typical "girl" when it came to weddings. I have no idea why I wasn't, but lately, it's been ridiculous. I became a little obsessed. I would Tivo Whose Wedding Is It Anyway and all other wedding related shows. And I'm sure C noticed. And to be honest, I wanted him to. We were doing good, getting along, having fun, etc...

Saturday night we went to see a movie and then to dinner at this beautiful Italian restaurant in Beverly Hills. We had had a couple of glasses of wine. I went to the bathroom, and for whatever reason when I got back to the table I just blurted out "when are we getting married?". With a smile. Our entrees hadn't even arrived yet.

The rest of the night is a blur. He proceeded to tell me that he still gets scared and "don't you ever get scared? When we fight, or we disagree on things?" In between tears and yes, we were still at the restaurant, I told him that "no. I used to get scared but disagreeing and not being always completely in sync is natural and normal. Getting scared is too."

"How do you know we're right for eachother?", he asked.

"Because when I imagine my life without you I forget how to breathe."

We packed up our pastas and paid the check. I didn't have one bite.

On the drive home I started to sob. Uncontrollably and very unwanted. But all I could think was that if, after four years, he has started to get scared, how can we end up together. How can we be right for eachother?

When we got home I immediately went to the bedroom. He followed me. We sat on the bed, we cried, we talked.

"Maybe we shouldn't be together." I told him. I didn't mean it for a second.

"No. Don't give up on me yet. I love you, I'm just having a hard time. I havent talked to anyone about it, maybe we should talk to someone. I don't want to breakup, I don't want to go on a break, I DONT WANT TO LOSE YOU."

We cried, and cried, and fell asleep in eachothers arms.

Yesterday was awkward. I woke up before him, made some coffee and sat on the front porch. He came outside after a bit.

"I still love you, D. I love you more today than I ever have. I feel so much better that we talked about it."

But I don't.

I don't know what to do. I know C loves me, I really do. He is romantic and affectionate, and calls me 10 times a day. he is happy when I am, sad when I am, and more supportive than you can imagine.

But he is practical, and rational. And it takes him 1 month to decide on a new pair of shoes. And this is a bigger decision.

The question is, what do I do? I've never been the girl that needs to get married, and although I want to marry C, it still isn't something I'm counting down the days to. But, do I wait and wait and wait for him to get over his fears or ... do something more drastic.

And yes, I am crying as I type.

so.

My grandmother died on Tuesday. 

She lived in Israel all of my life.  When I was younger, she would come and visit us here in L.A.  As we (and she) got older, it became harder for her to travel.  I have traveled to Israel 7 times in my life to see her and my other grandparents that still live there.  The last time I was there (unfortunately) was 5 years ago.  Israel is incredibly far and sadly a bit dangerous to travel to.  Had I known that she would pass away on July 31, 2007, I would have made it there to see her one last time.  My Sapta (Grandma in Hebrew) Edith was 83.

I never was as close with her as I was with my mom's parents.  That's probably because my father and mother divorced when I was 6 months old and my relationship with my dad has been up and down for the majority of my life.  Also, my father never really cared for his parents.  They never did anything to him other than push him to succeed in his education and in being a doctor - yet my father is notorious for holding grudges.  It was hard for me as a young child to hear bad things about his parents from him and still love them.  Thankfully, I matured and understood that his feelings were his own and that his parents loved me very much.  My mother also was amazing - although she and my father divorced 26 years ago and they had gone through horrible custody and child support battles, she always remained close to her ex-in-laws - because it was the right thing to do.  My grandmother always said that my Mother was the daughter she never had.  I'm sure my dad loved that.

My grandfather (Edith's husband) passed away in 2000.  Soon after, Edith started to learn how to use the computer and she and I would email very frequently.  The language was sometimes difficult but we managed.  I would send her pictures of me and C and she would send me cute E-Cards.  This year she started to send a lot of gifts (maybe she knew her time was nearing the end).  I received watches, jewelry, and just a couple of months ago she purchased a 13 day trip to Florida for C and I.  I never asked for the material gifts but it created more interaction and conversation between us than we had ever had.

One week ago, my father got a call from her doctor who had made a house call.  Her live-in housekeeper/nurse/friend had finally called the doctor because my grandmother wasn't eating.  The doctor suggested to my dad that he come to Israel.  She was dying.  But she never wanted treatment.  For as long as we can remember, she had told us that she didn't want to go to the hospital.  She didn't want to prolong her life.  If she was dying, she just wanted to die.  I called her 5 days ago.  She spoke for about 30 seconds - just to say "I love you" and that she was proud of me.  It would be the last time I heard her voice.

I feel sad that I didn't know her that well.  I pray that when I am a mother and a grandmother, my family all live near to me.  Because I couldn't think of a worse thing to grow old and God forbid, die alone without your children and family near you.  I know she's in a better place, with her husband - her love of her life - and her friends who have passed on before her. 

Rest In Peace Sapta Edith.