20 Something in LA LA land...

Wedding weekend woohoo!

OK, so even the title of this post seems like I am just BURSTING with energy, which in fact I am not. It's Monday morning and I am tiiiiiiiiiired.  Why, then, did I wake my ass up to go to the gym this morning when I felt like I was sleepdriving my way there?  GOOD QUESTION.  If only I had an answer.  No need to lose weight to look good at the wedding, cause it's over, and it's almost winter, so it should be getting cold anytime soon (minus the 95 degree weather yesterday - kill.me.now), and I can wear big sweaters and jackets to hide my flabbier areas.  I'll try to remind myself this tomorrow as I am STRUGGLING to get out of bed to make it to the hell we call a gym ;)

The weekend was FANTASTIC.  Friday night, the rehearsal dinner was fun, good people, great wine, just eh food.  I made a speech for the whole bridal party, letting the couple know how amazing they are and how perfect they are for each other.  It's amazing how easy it is to get me in front of people when I am drinking.  The nice part about the speech I made and everyone else's speech for that matter, is that they were ALL sincere - cause this really is that couple.

Since the venue was about an hour away, C and I had planned to stay in a hotel that the couple had picked for everyone since it was the right price.  Shoulda known better because holy shite, that hotel was the most DISGUSTING thing I had ever seen.  The room! OH GOD the room!  Blue carpet, stale cigarette smoke, apricot mesh curtains, cracks in the toilet seat, etc.  C and I took one look and realized there was a reason he didnt drink that much because we needed him to drive us home STAT. 

The next morning, he once again drove me to the hotel to meet up with everyone (my guess is everyone was WASTED and that's how they were able to sleep there), and we girls went up to the house where the wedding was to take place.  The house had the most amazing yard and view - PERFECT for a small (90 people) wedding.  All day was makeup, and hair, and dress, and pictures! And more pictures!!!  The bride (my best friend from college) couldn't have been more calm and happy, it was IDEAL.

By 4 all of the guests arrived, and guess what?  It started to drizzle.  The wedding was outside and there was no other alternative but to wait out the rain because the couple (on a budget) didn't realize that you have to have backups in case of rain at an OCTOBER wedding!!!

But within minutes, the rain stopped, and we walked down the aisle for a short and sweet ceremony (12 minutes!) and then more pictures!  And then cocktails, and yummy yummy Italian food and then speeches and then dancing.  And SO much dancing.  The bride didn't stop all night.  That was the kind of party it was.  One thing I know about my wedding (whenever it will be) is that there will be A LOT of dancing.

One last thing, C was AMAZING and always is at weddings and social functions.  Dancing with all of the single girls, getting the bridal party drinks, talking to the chatterbox grandparents, friendly with the boyfriend's and husbands.  When I see him in that element, I'm reminded why I love him so much and how lucky I am to have him.  It says something when everyone you know LOVES your boyfriend.

Too bad they didn't see him the morning after hunched over our toilet from too much champagne.  Only I get to see that side :)  And you know what?  I still love the guy.

I don't wanna party!

This weekend is the bachelorette party for my best friend who's getting married next month.  I honestly can't believe that the time has flown so fast and it's already here.  Another friend walking down the aisle!  Although, to be honest, out of my girlfriends she's the 3rd to get married (and one was my sister).

I'm looking forward to the weekend but a part of me just wants to stay home, watch movies and drink wine with C.  Now that the weather is getting colder and the air is crisper (is that a word?), cuddling sounds so much better. 

Last night, C did the sweetest thing.  While I was at my girlfriend's birthday dinner, C went and did 3 loads of our laundry without me even prompting him to.  He also washed all of the sheets and made the bed beautifully so when I got home all of my clean clothes were folded and the sheets were warm and smelled like Downy heaven.  Isn't it just the simplest things that make us girls so happy???  I told you he's the best :)

Dinner was nice, although very strange to be at their house now that the husband had moved out.  All of their pictures were replaced with ones of her family and her friends, and the house had a strange empty feel even though there were eight of us girls there.  See, C and and I used to get together with that couple and others every Monday for our 24 nights, and most of the time we would be at their house.  Plus, they were always entertaining.  So there was something very familiar of coming in and hearing his voice and he would always have the music playing and in general, the vibe was very upbeat and fun.  Last night was very casual and mellow, and the poor girl couldn't figure out how to turn on her stereo for the life of her so it was just quiet.  Plus, every single one of her close friends are married, engaged or in a relationship.  Two are even pregnant and one just had a baby so I can't imagine she didn't feel a bit jealous at her own birthday table around us.  Even though I was more than happy to be there for her, I have to say I left a bit sad.  BUT, she loved the chocolate (I also added a bottle of wine so maybe that's why she was so happy!)...

Enjoy your weekends and think of me while you are relaxing, cause most likely I am taking a shot of some sort and putting down $50 on red. 

Dear diary,

When I was young and had a diary (I called it a journal), I would write whatever was on my mind at the time, no matter how embarassing or innapropriate or wrong it was. I never ever felt judged by my journal. I also was constantly worried whether someone would find it and read it but thats a whole other story. The point is, if I had a crush on a boy, it would be in there. If I cheated on a test (it was once on a 5th grade science test) it was in there too.

So I'm gonna be honest with you here - because I know you guys wont judge me (or maybe you will but who cares)....

I don't think C wants to marry me.

That came out of nowhere, right? A little backstory?

When C and I started to date, the idea of "you are THE ONE" never came up in our conversations. It was only about 2 years into our relationship when I felt like he was starting to hint at marriage: "when we get married, it definitely is going to be outside" or "our son is playing sports!", just cute, stupid things like that.

At first I was freaked out by it because I think I had an element of commitment-phobia at the time. But as we started to get closer, and then move in together, and I really fell in love, things started to change for me. For both of us.

We started to openly talk about it. One evening this April, we had a nice wine buzz sitting outside on a patio of our favorite Greek restaurant and he said that we should look at rings, and ohmigod are we actually saying that we are going to get married??? And I was excited and thrilled, and for the first time in a long time I wasn't scared. That was a first.

Then, couples around us started to have meltdowns. I've written about it already but the idea that close couples to us who seemed so perfect were breaking up scared us. But scared him more.

And then we had a talk in June about how we felt. I told him that there was a part of me that worries that we could be that couple, that gets excited to get married because its the next step, and plans a wedding, and then weeks before the wedding looks at eachother and feels that they have to be honest that they dont love eachother anymore and the whole wedding is just a big mistake. We could also be the couple who gets married and then a week, a month, 5 years into it freaks out, meets someone else, and has an affair.

Sure we could be those couples, but we aren't - we're us. We're different. And because I'm being honest? I really, truly feel that we are different.

A couple of weeks after that we got into a big fight. And again it came out that he was scared. Scared of what? Commitment, marriage.

"Then maybe we need to break up", I told him in between sobs.

"NO. I can't lose you, D. I need you, I love you. It's just the pressure from everyone lately about getting married. All of a sudden, because we've been together for so long, everyone feels like they have a right to ask me why I haven't proposed and why arent we married. And it's freaking me out.!" he said.

And it's the truth - we have been getting TONS of pressure. From all of our coworkers, our family, and friends. I mean, it's not everyday when you see a couple who has been together for 4 years and aren't engaged. Although it does happen. My sister and her husband were together for 5 and a half years before he put a ring on her finger. And they couldn't be happier.

Of course after that "scare" of his, we ended up both crying, had amazing sex, and then we went to Vegas to get our minds off it. It couldn't have ended better and I thought we had gotten over the "hump".

These last few weeks have been very wedding-centered for me. My best friend is getting married in the end of October so I've been doing wedding stuff with her. I am OBSESSED with wedding rings and wedding dresses and wedding ceremonies. I NEVER used to be. I even remember C asking me a while back how come I wasn't the typical "girl" when it came to weddings. I have no idea why I wasn't, but lately, it's been ridiculous. I became a little obsessed. I would Tivo Whose Wedding Is It Anyway and all other wedding related shows. And I'm sure C noticed. And to be honest, I wanted him to. We were doing good, getting along, having fun, etc...

Saturday night we went to see a movie and then to dinner at this beautiful Italian restaurant in Beverly Hills. We had had a couple of glasses of wine. I went to the bathroom, and for whatever reason when I got back to the table I just blurted out "when are we getting married?". With a smile. Our entrees hadn't even arrived yet.

The rest of the night is a blur. He proceeded to tell me that he still gets scared and "don't you ever get scared? When we fight, or we disagree on things?" In between tears and yes, we were still at the restaurant, I told him that "no. I used to get scared but disagreeing and not being always completely in sync is natural and normal. Getting scared is too."

"How do you know we're right for eachother?", he asked.

"Because when I imagine my life without you I forget how to breathe."

We packed up our pastas and paid the check. I didn't have one bite.

On the drive home I started to sob. Uncontrollably and very unwanted. But all I could think was that if, after four years, he has started to get scared, how can we end up together. How can we be right for eachother?

When we got home I immediately went to the bedroom. He followed me. We sat on the bed, we cried, we talked.

"Maybe we shouldn't be together." I told him. I didn't mean it for a second.

"No. Don't give up on me yet. I love you, I'm just having a hard time. I havent talked to anyone about it, maybe we should talk to someone. I don't want to breakup, I don't want to go on a break, I DONT WANT TO LOSE YOU."

We cried, and cried, and fell asleep in eachothers arms.

Yesterday was awkward. I woke up before him, made some coffee and sat on the front porch. He came outside after a bit.

"I still love you, D. I love you more today than I ever have. I feel so much better that we talked about it."

But I don't.

I don't know what to do. I know C loves me, I really do. He is romantic and affectionate, and calls me 10 times a day. he is happy when I am, sad when I am, and more supportive than you can imagine.

But he is practical, and rational. And it takes him 1 month to decide on a new pair of shoes. And this is a bigger decision.

The question is, what do I do? I've never been the girl that needs to get married, and although I want to marry C, it still isn't something I'm counting down the days to. But, do I wait and wait and wait for him to get over his fears or ... do something more drastic.

And yes, I am crying as I type.

the ring talk

Hey guys - I know it's a late time to post today but I've been running around all day.  First to the gym and then down to Orange County to visit my best best friend for lunch.  It was such a fun break in the week to just have girl talk about, you know, boys and TV and weddings.  She is getting married on October 27th, and we both can't believe that it's creeping up so fast.  Actually, it feels like just yesterday she got engaged but really, it was back in November so I guess it's been a while.

And to continue on the whole wedding kick, after lunch she asked if I would come with her to look for a wedding band to match her engagement ring.  Well, hello?  What kind of girl who is just DYING to look at engagement rings herself wouldn't want to??  So into a jeweler we go and start looking.  It was a little difficult for her as she has more of an antique looking ring which I honestly LOVE, and most wedding bands are very sparkly and almost overshadow her ring. 

Anyway, blah blah blah, what I'm trying to get to is that I got to try on like 50 rings (I'm sure the store LOVED us) and I felt SO overwhelmed.  I'm not the kind of girl who has always known exactly what kind of ring I want - but I know what I don't like.  I think I found something that really was my ideal ring, but then I started to wonder about other women and how they judge other people's rings.  For example, my sister has a lovely round (excuse me but I still dont know all the cut names and style names) diamond on a plain platinum band which looks beautiful on her, but when I tried the solitare style on my finger, it didn't move me all that much. 

SO my question for you ladies (and men? if you're even out there?) is, what is your favorite style of ring, what kind of ring do you have or want, etc... AND THERE WILL BE NOOOOO JUDGING HERE!  I promise!  Lurkers are welcome too!!!

I can see clearly now the rain is gone :)

OK so I'm not bipolar (well not entirely), but today I woke up feeling much, much better.  But not for any specific reason.  I still haven't heard an official answer about the job, but I have heard really positive things about how the meeting went - and I know that I didn't not get the job since they aren't meeting with anyone else (yet) and they haven't turned us down.  See??  I can see the fullness in the glass!

I also had a pretty good day yesterday.  Saw my grandma for a short time and she's adorable as ever and when she saw me (we haven't seen eachother in two years), she was so surprised by "how pretty and how skinny" I was.  Which secretely makes me wonder if I used to be a fatty.  But I'm not joking - if you want to make another woman like you, immediately complement her on how pretty and skinny she is because after someone says that to me, I'm instantly the M&M who melts in their...uh... hand? 

Speaking of M&M's, last night I met up with my friend to see the movie Once. 

Oh, but quickly, I have to tell you what I was doing before the movie. My friend was running a little late and so I stepped into Barnes and Noble to do some browsing.  Honestly, I LOVE bookstores - they are my candy store.  But instead of being drawn to the new fiction, or biographies, or even some self-help, I went straight to the wedding section - not even realizing that was where I was going.  And I sat there, and pulled out all of these Southern California guides, and dress magazines, and books about Interfaith weddings (I'm Jewish and he's Catholic), and those wedding planner books (do any of you engaged girls use them?), and I was so content for over 45 minutes.  But y'all - I AM NOT ENGAGED!  And I was never that girl - you know, the one who would plan her wedding before she needed to.  Every once in a while when people would walk by and see me sprawled on the floor I would instantly cover up my left hand so they wouldn't know how pathetic I was.  And when my friend called to say she got there, I threw those books so fast back on their shelves so that she wouldn't judge me and give me that poor, poor girl look.

ANYWAY  - Remember the movie that I was telling you about before I went wedding crazy?  Once is a beautiful indie movie about a man who is an amazing musician but is otherwise lonely and sad, who has nothing really to lose, and happens to meet a young woman who ends up changing his life.  The coolest part about it is that in a way it's a musical, since it tells the story mostly through the original music written by the lead singer.  It is definitely a love story, and almost as a viewer you can't help but feel like you are just a voyeur in their lives.  Very moving to me.  Well, we saw it at these new movie theatres on the westside that were just outrageous.  There was a beautiful bar in the lobby, where you could have a drink before or after, and the candy that they sold was amazing - they literally had chocolate from around the world - Pocky's from Japan and Tim Tam's from Australia.  I went all boring and ordered the Dark Chocolate M&M's.  But the best part was, in a few of their theatres, instead of your average seating, there were couches.  Some for one, most for two, and some for three or more.  So you could go with your sweetie and see a movie cuddled up on a comfy leather couch.  It was awesome.

And after a litle Big Brother last night (I could KILL Amber), I went to bed.  I got wonderful sleep, and here we are. 

Amazing what a day can do.